‘It’s a hernia, your basin has moved and a nerve is pinched in your back’ the doctor told me in simple words.
Well, that explained a lot was my first thought.
Immediately
I started to think in a deeper way, strongly desiring to dis-cover the why this happened to me. I did know the psychological explanation of back pain the way Louise Hay explains this, I will quote her here:
The back represents support. When we feel overwhelmed by life, we often have back problems. The upper back usually represents a lack of emotional support; the middle back is guilt—carrying all that stuff from the past. The lower back is usually fear of money—that is, feeling a lack of financial support. A beginning point for you could be to use affirmations like these daily: I trust life to support me. My every need is taken care of. All my bills are paid. I am safe.
This was very much true. I did feel overwhelmed and I did feel like I was beaten down by my past. Though I believe because of my past experiences I was able to receive so many Insights. Which I shared with many people. I have never felt angry about things that happened or felt bitter, after receiving the Insights which were there for me to dis-cover. When I look back at my past I see a turbulence of activities, like a hurricane that raged over me. Still, I deeply believe this all happened for a reason. I have developed myself in this way thanks to all of the so called “negative” things in my life. True, I have been through a lot, but…it has Given me a lot too.
Back to the quote of Louise Hay: I did not feel guilt, since I have done everything possible and from a place of Love. The lower back, there where I feel my back pain, is usually the fear of money….is this true I asked myself? I am raised in a way that money
is not important and wanting (much) money is wrong. True values are more important than money, this is true, I feel that the same way my parents did. At the same time my parents taught me that money is necessary because when you are in a Love relationship, Love will fly out your front door when there is no income/ money…This is based on fear, not on Trust….fear that belongs to my parents beliefs, but do I believe this too?
I know I decided to not believe this a long time ago. But was it really out of my system, or was there still something left of their belief? Something that would grow without knowing it? Fear that tells me I could loose the Love of my Life when we will not have any money? My answer to this is a week Yes and a strong No. I do sense a bit of fear when I think of being without any income, and at the same time the strong No means I DECIDE to CHOOSE to feel TRUST instead of FEAR….
But what is it that causes this back pain? I started to think back of what I learned from The Option Institute ( http://www.option.org ) My Life changed after being there and feeling confirmed in what I always thought and believed in. I heard about The Option Process Dialogue, a real good tool people can use when you want to do some inner research (more on this here: http://www.option.org/the-option-institute/what-we-teach/37#process ).
I decided to do a self dialogue.
What I do is answering questions that I ask myself as if there is another person who is asking these questions to me. A person who asks questions in a very Loving and none judging way. I always think of Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman, the co-founder of The Option Institute) when I do such a dialogue. And even though I only met him once as Brian introduced me to him in the kitchen of the Option institute, it is like I can hear him, asking me questions which can help me. Of course I do realize these are the questions I ask. Still it is like Bears is with me in a Loving way which helps me to do the dialogue.
For anyone who is curious about the Option Institute, please visit their website at www.option.org! It will change your life in a very positive way once you have been there. The atmosphere, the teachings, the way you can get a grip on yourself and your Life is amazing….
My self dialogue:
Me:
I feel pain in my back.
Question:
Why do you believe you feel this pain?
Me:
I don’t know.
Question:
Take a guess, what is the first thing that pops up?
Me:
I feel fear.
Question:
Fear of what Mary?
Me:
Fear of not being able to manage.
Question:
To manage what? Can you be more specific?
Me:
Not being able to take care of myself by a lack of money
Question:
Why would you not be able to take care of yourself and have a lack of money?
Me:
Because this is what my parents told me, always take care of earning money, without money you are nowhere and you will not be able to hold on to Love. Where there is a lack of money, there is a no Love possible. You will be on your own and people don’t want you any more. Everything is about money nowadays, when you do not have any money, you will not be able to survive.
Question:
Do you believe you will not survive when you have no money Mary?
Me:
I have seen the homeless people in America and in Holland, that is my deepest fear.
Question:
Why is this your deepest fear?
Me:
Because it is the most terrible thing I can imagine to have to live on the streets and have no income.
Question:
Do you believe this will happen to you?
Me:
(silence)……….No.
Question:
Why is that?
Me:
Because I know, deep inside of me that I am taken care off. The Light/ the Universe will guide and protect me. I will always have money to be able to live from.
Question:
So when you feel the inner belief you are taken care off, why would you hold on to fear?
Me:
Because I was raised with fear instead of Trust
Question:
What does this tell you Mary?
Me:
That I can Trust on my inner belief that I will always have money and can let go of the back pain. That it has taught me I can feel Trust instead of fear. That I felt Fear with a capital F and that this Fear belongs to my parents beliefs and not my beliefs.
Question:
How does it feel?
Me:
Better, much better.
Question:
Is there still something there that is connected to your back pain and you want to make clear to yourself?
Me:
That I need to take time for me instead of being there for The Others only. That I allow myself to relax, to read a book again, to let go of things that are brought on my path of life and upset me. That when I feel Trust I will feel no fear at all. That nothing can ever hurt me unless I allow it to hurt me. That I am the director of my life and no other person can “make” me feel anything. I and only I create my own feelings and emotions.
Question:
How does that feel for you, knowing you are in control of your life?
Me:
It feels like a reminder, a confirmation and a huge relief. It feels great!
(End of the self dialogue)
I chose to write this self dialogue down here and share this with you as a reader. Because by doing a self dialogue you will be able to understand more of you.
When I look at my life now, there are many uncertainties. Everything is moving and I want to do self dialogues to keep myself in the right place for me. I am a Giver and always used to give to The Others first.
My destination
here has been clear to me since I was born. I want to Help people. But my destination is more than this only. The other part of my destination is that I am here to Give to Myself….to award me with a quality of Life. To Give to myself so I can have a home with Brian, a place where we can live together, work together and Give even more to The Others because we have given to ourselves. To be able to do this we are busy creating ways to earn money. There is a total lack of money right now, we are starting all over again and have zero. This connected to the old Fear that no money would mean losing Brian and our Love. Because of the dialogue I became aware of this and am able to change from Fear to Trust….My deepest Fear was to become a homeless person. But in fact I felt like a homeless person because I forgot to Give to myself….
There is a difference between only thinking of and giving to yourself and taking good care of yourself. Because I was always busy with taking care of The Others, I forgot to take good care of me….I choose to change this now.
Taking good care of me means:
Eat well, sleep well, rest, read a book, walk, write, feel space and feel at ease, the “Have to and Need to’ thoughts change into “Want to and Choose to” and feel happy even when Brian and I are apart from each other as we are now because of my visa.We are married to each other and not together with Christmas. Does this mean I cry all day and feel terrible, asking myself why this all happens to me? NO!
It means I Miss
my man here, absolutely! But I can choose how I cope with that…So I decided to write a blog…and after writing this blog I feel more happy than before I started writing. I am a Giver, and I like to be Me…Now I will heat the oven and make some rolls and sit down, music on, enjoying my day. Thinking of my dude who is 9000 miles away from me, but still with me. That is Love, True Love and I don’t need any money to feel that. It is a Gift each single day and I see that Gift and I feel deeply grateful for it. Money will come our way. Why? Because we have opened ourselves up to Trust instead of Fear. Because we create opportunities to make money. And because we Trust that the Universe will take care of us and guide and protect us, while reaching out for our destination. The word Destination as I translate it is what you feel, deep inside of you, is your path of Life and will give you the answer why you have come to this earth. When you do not see your destination yet, open yourself up to that and ask for it. Or do a self dialogue. Give yourself a present and go to the Option Institute, or read books about how to dis-cover your destination. Which is the meaning of Life and why YOU are here.
The Option Institute can and will give you more tools to create an even better Life than you already have and will give you many Insights which can also lead to the meaning of Life. Decide and choose what you feel is good for you. When you walk the path of your destination you will feel deeply Happy and you will have lots of Energy. You will be creative and achieve more than you ever thought would be possible. By keeping Faith and Trust, by believing your beliefs and not the beliefs which were taught or taken over by The Others.
Taking good care of me means that I feel the want to choose to feel Happy and be Happy all the time.
How about you?
