Q & A: Jeanenne’s Question
Hi yes, wonderful site. Can you both write about your views regarding your completeness (or perhaps wholeness is a more fitting word) as individual people and from where and why did your desire for finding a partner come about? Also how is loving yourself related to finding a real love partner? And, why would we create a wants list for a partner but not for a child to be???
Completeness or wholeness, is a feeling of satisfaction and happiness in being yourself. Without NEEDING another person to give you that feeling. When you feel wholeness in your mind, soul and body, you are able to live your life in a very pleasant way. When others want to connect to you, it will be something you CHOOSE to accept and let in, or not. Very much people are looking for wholeness by connecting to the partner who they expect to GIVE that to them. But can another person create your feeling of wholeness? Most people think this is true. I don’t.
My belief is that once I found my wholeness in myself, the NEED to look or even search for the man who would be able to MAKE me whole, was totally gone. If there would come a man who would be a fit to me, my want would be that he was a whole person too…That he was a complete individual who’s choice it was to be with me because he WANTED to be with me. Not because he expected me to make him complete.
The relationship with Brian is one with so much happiness and great joy! It is joyful! We create happiness! But we too are our own self. We own our identity ourselves… Two persons choosing to be together. Equality, acceptance, wholeness, we own that ourselves and we have chosen a state of wholeness together. Without needing the other to find/ fix that, we already did.
The way to achieve the state of wholeness in oneself is different for each of us. There are no rules in how to do it, or how to create that. It has to do with knowing what your wants are (That’s why a wants list can be so useful) and being prepared to let go of old beliefs. Looking at the old beliefs as if you see them for the first time, asking yourself two questions:
1) Is this MY belief?
2) Do I want to connect myself to this belief? (Does it serve me?)
Doing this, I realized that I did NOT want to continue to hold on to certain beliefs. Some of them belonged to my parents, others were brought in by teachers, family or friends etc. Television has most certainly had its influence too… One of my old beliefs that kept me from feeling happy was this one:
I had the belief that I had to look like a model to be seen. Totally ridiculous, I KNEW that but somehow I held on to that. And judged myself for not having these beautiful legs I saw in magazines and on television.
One day I thought what the f….do I care!! I have judged myself for so many years, why on earth do I do that? I am more than two legs!!!! Since that moment I felt better than I had ever felt….
I chose to be ME! And be happy with that! In total acceptance of being me, I started to love my inner and outer self. It felt and feels GREAT!
The second part of the question was why I felt a desire to find a partner?
That had to do with my want to share. But this can be different for any person. The wants list you make will give you the answer, as well as looking at your beliefs; which ones are truly yours and do you want to consider to be useful?
And what’s about the individuals we both are; if I would not have met Brian, I would have been happy on my own too. But I decided to open myself for the love of my life. Now I DID meet Brian and I feel connected in a way I always knew was possible. Because I decided I wanted to do that.
I WANT to love another person from soul to soul, from heart to heart, from mind to mind. I clearly DECIDED to love Brian this way. These are MY wants. Everybody will have their own feelings and wants that will lead them to a choice. To find what they want and the way they decide to
The third part of the question is how loving yourself is related to finding a love partner.
I already wrote something about that in the last posted writing on our blog, but I will explain how I see this. When you DO love yourself, you will attract another person than when you do NOT love yourself. Because when you Do love yourself, you don’t NEED another person to MAKE you happy… When you do NOT love yourself you will be happy with a person that seems to be able to love you. With a lack of self esteem you most likely attract a person that fits in your belief: ”I am not good enough”. Choosing that belief will lead you to get the crumbs instead of a whole bread.
The fourth part of the question has the answer already inside; why could we create a wants list for a partner and not for a child to be?
You can make a wants list for your child to be too, of course. But the child will do the same….and so both parent and child may choose each other. ..
Hi Jeanenne, and thanks for the question!
About “wholeness” or “completeness”: I have a couple of thoughts on that. First, I believe that we are, EVERY ONE of us, whole and complete just as we are. Even if there are things we would like to change about ourselves, there’s nothing to “fix”. There’s a line from the movie “Jerry Maguire”, where the one partner tells the other “you…complete…me”, and whole audience is like “awwwww….” What a CROCK!!! (Although, as a writer I’m thinking, MAN, that was GREAT writing!!!…it’s just a crock is all) We are the only ones who complete ourselves and everything we need to do it is right inside us…all the time. The only time we’re not complete is when WE CHOOSE to see it that way. And even then, the “incompleteness” is an illusion.
My desire for a partner has altered RADICALLY over the years. WHERE it comes from is just that I love being with a really wonderful woman! I have GREAT friendships with both men and women, I have found that I just also love the added component of intimacy and excitement that sensuality and sexuality bring into the equation. But what I’m looking for in a relationship has changed completely over the years. Originally I wanted the “fairy tale” love. I believed there was one, and ONLY one woman on the planet for me, and if I didn’t find and marry her, I would be lonely and miserable. Well the years passed and I spoke about the fact that I was too afraid to even approach any woman who might have been my “princess”, to the point that I was lonely and miserable and still a virgin at 31. From there sprung a series of less-than-empowered choices for relationships, read as: I’d take anyone that was interested in me, and right into that 10 year relationship with my ex.
Enter: my time at The Option Institute. And the notion that I could, in fact, love and accept myself COMPLETELY. And this is a nice segway into your next question, Jeanenne. Because learning to love and accept myself completely, even the things I wanted to change, like being overweight and struggling with drinking, was the KEY to unlocking the door of spectacular relationships! Once I was able to let go of judging myself for those “negative” things and accept me just as I was, I was actually able to create someone in myself that I genuinely liked! Who’s company I enjoyed! And what I found was, for the first time in my life, that I was just fine with the thought of being alone the rest of my life. It was good enough just to be me. That did two great things: 1) it allowed me to never again settle for less than a GREAT relationship, because there was no fear of being alone, no lonliness, and 2) it allowed me to be more aggressive in pursuing relationships, because I also was no longer afraid of rejection! So, in answer to your question, the MORE you love yourself, the MORE you will be willing wait for, AND aggressively pursue (interesting paradox!) a truly spectacular relationship!
There’s one other belief caveat that I want to throw in before answering your last question, and that is (and if I’ve said this before—I’m saying it again, must be IMPORTANT!) the crucial ability to hold onto the belief that you can get EVERYTHING you want in a partner! There’s someone close to me who is having this really neat relationship with a man who she just has a GREAT time with. The only issue is that there are a couple of big things on her wants list that he ain’t giving at this time. Now she’s free to ask for these things, and, in fact, I ENCOURAGE everyone to ask for what they want in a relationship, but if he isn’t willing or can’t do these things, the key belief to hold is: I can get ALL the really great things I have in this relationship, AND all the ones I don’t, as long as I KEEP LOOKING. It’s OK to leave! It actually is a gift for the other person, cause if they don’t fit what you’re looking for, eventually you’re gonna be unhappy and the relationship will not be joyous. Free them to go find their perfect match and get on with the search for yours!!! No matter how long you’ve been together. I measure relationships not by how long they are by how WONDERFUL each moment is!
Finally, on “wants lists”: YES! Do them for everything! I have a “Life” wants list that I have done and then set in priority order, and it’s GREAT for helping me to make EFFORTLESS decisions on what I want to do with my life. If Want X is above Want Y on my life wants list, and there’s no way to have both in that moment, I choose X. Perfect example: item 1 on my Life wants list is “find the woman of my wants list and go on the romantic adventure of a lifetime together”. Item 2 is “have a career/passion making inspirational feature films”. So if I’m in Hollywood making great films and the woman of my wants list wants to live in Zermatt, Switzerland, it’s sayonara tinseltown! Now, knowing the type of person I’m looking for, doing BOTH is almost a certainty (like I already have in Mary), but really making lists like this, in my mind, can NEVER hurt. So go for it! But like Mary says, your child may have their own wants list!
PS: We’d LOVE to hear more real life questions like this one, so keep them coming!!!
PPS: in case you couldn’t tell, this ain’t the “startling” post, that’s still to come! LOL!