Happiness as a choice!
First time I read this book by Barry Neil Kaufman (Happiness Is A Choice, see at www.option.org ), I immediately knew that this was very much true! Thinking that over, I realized that only a few people in Holland are real happy for us (Brian and I), while others only judge me and try to warn me. “How can you go to America? How about your kids?” (My children are grown ups now).
My mom, who lived her life in and out of fear, did not say ANYTHING about my relationship with Brian. I sent her 4 e-mails in which I told her about him, while I was in America and at home in Holland. She totally ignored everything that had to do with Brian and asked how I was doing. Then I decided to ask her directly. After telling me: “Well, it’s your life!” I wanted to know how she really thought about it. Being curious, I waited for an answer. She started to talk about an aunt of mine and did not respond at all. I smiled at her and waited until she was ready with her story. Then I asked her again, very friendly and with a lot of patience. I adjusted that I was real interested in what her thoughts were. She sat down, took a zip of her coffee and said: “The only thing I want for you is to be happy. How you do that is none of my business, it’s your life and you don’t need my opinion in this anymore”. I smiled again and nodded my head. “Great!”, I responded.
“That’s totally clear to me, but how do you FEEL about it?” She obviously started to become more uncomfortable.
“I always wondered how it’s possible that you and I are so totally different. You went to America on your own, you met a guy out of the blue, you decide to marry him and then come back and ask me what I think about this? I think you are going way too fast, you don’t even know this guy! He could be anything, they all are nice in the beginning, but after a few months they will show their real face and then you are the one that gets hurt. That’s the way this world is. You cannot trust a single soul nowadays. I am glad that I don’t live this way”…
Now, I know my mother very well. She has always lived out of fear with EVERYTHING. An elevator? She would not go in there; elevators were failable. Driving along water? No way! There would be a possibility of drowning. Going on my bike as it was dark outside? She did not allow me to. Talking to strangers? Not done! Eating on the street? Not done either. Letting my children go out to stay with a friend at the age of 16? Irresponsible! How could you do that! There are a lot of fears she projected on us, fear has been her companion for as long as she remembers. In one thing she was right. I was different….I believed in my own experiences with life. Meaning that I always followed my inner feelings. Listen to my inner voice. And always knew that I was taken care of. I have known from my birth day on that there was a universe. A benevolent universe. I refused to take over beliefs that were not mine. I held on to my own beliefs, which have brought me all the outcome I wanted. Learning moments, each time, over and over again.
I do understand why she is doing fear. But it does not mean that I copied her fears. Over the years I have had a lot of conversations with my mom. In which we discussed the way she sees things and I do. Certain times she allowed me to come some closer and took in some of my beliefs. When she practiced them, she did get enthusiastic, but most of the time it did not last very long. My mom holds on to the old beliefs, they give her a sense of being safe in it. Apart from this, my mother is a very loving person , always helping us with everything. As my dad died on the 28th of April 2006, she did not only feel alone, she felt homeless and aimless. Because she always depended on my dad and he on her. They did not have many friends; they lived for us as a family. I am different in this. I love my children immensely and I feel my want to always be there for them very strongly. Still I do realize that I only have this life now. And in this now I decide to live my life the way I believe in. Meaning that I have taught them all I could. I raised them on my own; we are strongly connected with each other through love. But I do not wish them to feel dependent towards me. They are their own personalities. With their own capacities. They own their own life! So do I. That is why I decided to go and live with my Brian in America.
My mom does not understand this at all. She blames me for letting my family down. She believes I am very selfish. And she is telling me to THINK this over before deciding to go to The States. Now I do have an intelligent mind which I even use! But I choose to live by what I FEEL and think. I grabbed her hand, rubbed it and gave her a kiss, because I love her dearly. Saying: “And that’s the answer mom, I am different than you. I do not choose to live out of fear, I choose to live my life with a strong inner believe that I am making my own good choice here. I believe that everything that happens to me is to learn from. I am not avoiding life, I embrace it! I decide to live my life in trust. Sure, I don’t have any guaranties in this, but does fear help you in that?” She took back her hand and sighed.
“I always wondered how you could be a child of mine”, she answered. “I never understood that at all! You always did what you thought was good for you. I always see danger in everything, it’s a real rotten world out there, you know!”
And this is EXACTLY why I am so DIFFERENT from my mom. I walk my path of life in total trust, I hold on to what I feel what’s good for me. Even when it brings me unhappiness, each event always has a gift in it as well. Bringing me insights and there for more happiness. It is all about beliefs, where my mom believes it is a rotten world out there and you cannot trust a soul nowadays, I believe that the world is how your perception makes it. I choose to live my life fearless. My mom helped me to hold on to that belief…