As I wrote before, my mom did a lot of fear and actually still does. And of course, without any doubt, I copied some of her fears. At the time I understood that these were not my own fears, I already was in my thirties. Then I was asking myself, when I BELIEVE that this fear is real, will that become real to me? Wrong question! It already was!
Now that I am 51, looking back at my life up till now, I can review it openly and come to a conclusion. I took over certain issues of my mom, even without actually knowing I did. Such as being scared that my children would not come home ever again. My mom always told me that I was irresponsible by letting them discover the world. I decided to do it my way but still heard her talking to me in my head.
‘How can you let that poor child come home on her own at night! Even when she is on a bike, that will not make any difference, the world is full of men that only want one thing. How can you do that, don’t you take any responsibility at all?’
Now, even though I decided to give them more space and less fear than my mom did to me, my children went totally banana’s because of my worrying about their well being. I was the only mom that called them when they were not home in time, according to them.
I told them I wanted to make some deal there. Whenever they would NOT be biking home with the group of friends and would have to be coming home alone, I wanted them to call me. I think I did that because I wanted to be REAL responsible and did not think that they would be safe at all on the streets at night.
Did I take over my mom’s fear here? Or was it just my own feeling that it would not be safe to let a girl go home alone at 03.00 in the morning?
It probably is both, though I still hear my mom’s voice here…
Listening to the CD’s of “Fearless”, by Barry Neil Kaufman of The Option Institute (www.option.org ), I started to change my beliefs about this.
To empower myself it would be the best thing to be present. And that means to be, to REALLY be in the NOW. And NOT empower a fear that something MIGHT happen and that I was responsible for that. Of course, it is good to tell your children to take care of themselves, but I cannot protect them anymore. I have taught them everything I could. They are living their own lives now and they are much wiser than my mom believes. Actually I can love my mom for the way she lives by her beliefs. It is HER choice and that is totally fine with me. I decided to accept her the way she is. And embrace myself for being me. So I let go of old believes that were not even mine in the first place. Now I know I am a damn good mother, always have been too. And my children who are 24, 21 and 18 tell me the same. We are very much opened; we hug and love one another very much. We all accept that we are individuals with opinions that do not necessarily have to match. It’s okay when we disagree. We are there when it is asked or even when it is not asked but good to be there, we do that too. My children were raised by me; I did have some issues before because we have been through a lot together. But looking back at that now, we all agree. We look back in gratitude, even at the worst times. How come? We took out the insights and we know that all that has built us to the persons we are right now. We do not choose to carry hate in our souls, why would we poison ourselves?
We choose to be happy, every day, every moment, being very present in the NOW. Does that mean that we are never doing unhappiness? Of course we do! We can sense something that is not right in our beliefs, or maybe even not comfortable at all. But we do have the CHOICE to connect to a negative emotion or let it go with love and gratitude. How that is possible?
By looking at the WHY we feel that way, by dialoguing and being honest to ourselves. And by smiling at it because it has brought us something we were not aware of before. By letting go of the load in it…
I have had a tough life, but I always stayed positive. Because I understood that these problems were not there to bother me. They were there to help me! To be able to reach out for the insight I was looking for. I always knew that there was a reason for why things happened in my life. That nothing ever happens just to be in your way. And I feel very, very grateful that all that I have learned, I am able to pass to my children.
Fears are not real. Fear is NEVER the present. Fear is something we create. I call Fear “FRIED AIR”, we create it ourselves but when you come to look at it, there is only air, heated up to a brownie that does not exist…