Love with a capital L. is love without demands, restrictions, rules or control. Love with an L is the Love you can choose to feel. Not only for the ones who are right there around you and who you consider to be lovable, being your family. Not only your friends, who already love you and you love them.
No, the Love I am talking about is the Love that is truly connected from one soul to another. Regardless who that person is.
‘Are you insane young lady?’ (I consider myself still as being young; age is just what you make of it)
And my answer to that is:
‘NO!’ I do NOT feel insane; on the contrary, I believe I am totally sane.
‘But how can you possibly LOVE each person on this earth?’ she wanted to know. ‘That ain’t normal!’
‘Because I WANT to do it that way and because I CHOOSE to do so. Because I have this immense POWER of Love in me. Because I can CREATE and DEVELOP all the Love I want. And do not feel picky to share it with persons.’
My mom, who has had a huge influence in my life, always judged me for being so loving. She said that this was wrong.
‘People take advantage of you and you even don’t seem to care! ‘she said.
‘You cannot trust a soul and still you do, didn’t you learn ANYTHING from the last time you did?’ Ha! Yes I did! I accepted the other person just the way they were. Without any withholding in me. Why?
Because I LOVED them.
‘When you think like that, you could even love a murderer!’My mom said disapprovingly.
‘Yes, I can’ I replied gently smiling.
My mother did not understand me or the way I felt. I don’t blame her for that and I do not Love her less for it. This is the way my mother sees things. I do not choose to think that way. Never did. I understand that she asked:’ Are you really my child?’ because to her it seemed to be as if I came from another planet. My mother was raised at a boarding-school with nuns. She was not allowed to eat on the streets, she was not allowed to see her own body (that was considered to be a something sinful in these days), she was not allowed to speak first in the company of others, she was taught to be obedient and that she was not allowed to have her own opinion. She was brought up with the idea of SERVING THE OTHERS in order to create happiness…
Never put yourself FIRST, always think about what THE OTHERS may think of you. So I understand that she has created fears and a lot of discomfort.
My mother never spoke to anyone from abroad like I do now. She never learned to open up for other beliefs. My mother is 82 and has learned how to use a computer. She is very much willing to learn new things. But on a more personal level, she does not have wants to create more happiness in a different way than was taught to her. What I see is that, even though the nuns are long gone, they still rule her world of made up beliefs. She still is the obedient child within, afraid to do something wrong. Dependant of others. Always the lower person in the hierarchy.
I went to America on my own, which is something she does not understand at all.
I met my huge Love Brian there, after 5 months of intensive talking with each other. She does not understand that at all. Does that influence me in the NOW? No. It does not. Not anymore. Why?
Because I CHOOSE to create my own beliefs in this. And feel totally happy with that. I don’t have to carry her “Monkey” on my shoulder. She has to take care of her own monkeys, since she is the one who “feeds” them.
She tried to project her fears on me in order to protect me from disaster. She believes that I will never find what I am looking for, because within her beliefs there is not such a thing as the kind of happiness I am looking for.
Is my mother therefore wrong? No!
Am I right and is she wrong? No!
My mother chooses her own beliefs in this life, the way she believes is right. And I totally accept her and Love her exactly the way she is. Because I CHOOSE to Love her. As I CHOOSE to Love any person that I meet.
I believe in opportunities, not in impossibilities.
It’s all about what I decide to believe. What belief I design. And I simply want the best. Not only for me, but for all people.
My beloved friend Tosca Thijssen once told me this:
‘You have the most incredible, huge and woolly heart I have EVER seen in my entire life. The whole world would fit in that!’ I smiled at her and though this has been years and years ago, I still remember it. And I answered:
‘Yes, I know and that makes me even more happy than I already felt inside. It is like this HUGE source of endless Love that grows and grows and can feel overwhelming every now and then’…
This HUGE LOVING FEELING is still present within me. It has increased itself hugely.
And still does. ..
Together with Brian, I feel we are a team of EMPOWERED LOVE with a capital L. We feel and own the same visions, and the same goal for life. To Love each other, to Love others and to SHARE all we know to reach out for those who want to be reached. It’s all about our beliefs that will lead to helping others in this way. The way we believe in…
I never felt happier than during the time we have had together till now. Even the distance (there is an ocean between him and me) does not change that in a negative way. On the contrary, it only strengthens our Love. Because we FEEL together, THINK together, WORK together, LIVE together, even when we are not together in a physical way all the time. Our time to really live together in that way is to come. The future is ours, both being creators and designers of our own beliefs, we will create SO MUCH LOVE AND HAPPINESS, that certain times it will feel again that my heart will burst open because of it.
Does that mean that Brian is perfect or I am? Yes!
Not in the way THE OTHERS look at us, but in the way WE look at it.
We are the perfect match!
So, what’s about my mother, I thank her for all her Love and being her. Because of what I have experienced I am on the path I choose to be. And the most incredible thing is happening. My mother is opening up for it, slowly and step by step. She gave up on Love and Trust, I NEVER did. In the last years she has left, she will be able to choose her way. When I can walk with her on that path for a while, I will decide to feel grateful. When she decides not to let me walk with her, I will feel grateful and Loving towards her too. She chooses to live her life the way she wants to live it. Even when it is totally different than mine. That is the POWER of LOVE……….