Obviously I’m feeling in a very tongue-in-cheek humor mood the last couple of days!
But seriously folks…beware of so-called “experts” who use absolutes when talking about dating and relationships, and, if you go to most dating sites, that’s EXACTLY how they write! Here are some wording examples from some of the articles:
Besides the meaning of life and the ingredients of hot dogs, many a man has questioned, “What exactly do women want?” We’re not playing coy here, we know we’re complex creatures. And, true, we operate on a different wavelength than men.
Here’s a dating mystery we’re dying to crack: Why is it that even when we guys open up and clue a girl in to our thoughts and experiences, you ladies insist on pushing for more and more intimate info? It’s hard for us to relate to your wanting to know everything about us, because even the most love-bitten man doesn’t feel the need to be in on every detail about his girl.
From John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (I DO want to make clear that of all the dating/relationship sites/gurus that I have read and researched so far, his is BY FAR the best fit for what we teach here, but, even so, he does go into absolutes at times):
“John Gray points out in Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus that men and women place different values on the positives they bring to a relationship.” Here are 25 easy ways that a man can score points and raise his partners’ oxytocin levels:
1. Make her coffee or tea in the morning, especially on the weekend.
2. Tell her she looks as beautiful as the day you first met.
3. Hug her when you or she first come through the door after a long day at the office.
4. Give her a kiss on the cheek, not as a prelude to intimacy but just because you’re happy to be in her presence.
5. Encourage her to go on a night out with her girlfriends.
A sexually “open” relationship is not healthy. A solid partnership must have fidelity and monogamy at its center.
So you may ask: “what’s wrong with absolutes?” Aren’t there some things in life and relationships that are simply TRUE in all cases? The answer is…NOPE! First, when these sites (and many others that I could not locate in my quick search) espouse that “men are this way…” and “women are this way…” implying that they are that way ALL THE TIME, in the words of Mary, “well that just ain’t true!” First, while there certainly are things that most, or the majority of men and women do a certain way, there are always many, MANY exceptions to these so-called rules. And second, and MORE IMPORTANTLY, all of these majority stances or approaches are TRAINED! We are trained to be this way from birth, or even before. And because they are TRAINED, they can be RE-LEARNED to be any way you want them to be! You are NOT relegated to living a certain way or to entering or creating relationships a certain way, whether you are a man or a woman. Even though his current title is really catchy and better for marketing, the better title for John Gray’s book would be “Men are TAUGHT to be from Mars, Women are TAUGHT to be from Venus”.
He does go into body chemistry and processes, but remember, even these are just pre-dispostions and generalizations. While MOST peoples’ bodies may work this way, there are exceptions to the rule (while morphine as a post-surgery painkiller USUALLY makes one very drowsy, it made my ex-wife wired instead), and all of these pre-dispositions are at the mercy of the power of your beliefs! Don’t think so? Think physical body processes are FACTS? Think things like allergies are not contollable? How about this?
From the publication “Clinical Reference Systems”:
Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is the presence of 2 or more different identities within 1 person. It used to be called multiple personality disorder. The different identities, called alters or subpersonalities, may have completely different attitudes, thoughts, and ways of speaking. The alters may even differ in allergies, right-or left-handedness, or the need for eyeglasses.
I have my own story on this, lest you think this is just medical mumbo-jumbo. I used to be allergic to cats. My friend Jane can attest to this. Though I loved her cat, every time I was in their house, my throat would get wonky, I would cough and sneeze, my sinuses would go into overtime producing phlegm, and my eyes would turn to sandpaper, to the point where keeping them open was a significant challenge. Fast forward to 2006 and meeting my best friend Lynne and finding that I wanted to pursue a potential romance with her. One problem: her two wonderful cats, Bobby and Nagano. Well, since I REALLY wanted to pursue this, I decided that I didn’t want my cat allergy to get in the way of that, so I just BELIEVED that it was no longer going to be an issue. I WANTED to be able to go forward without it.
Then the big test came when we went to visit Lynne’s sister and brother-in-law, who had been hosting Bobby and Nagie for a while, and where there also resided Martha and Mike’s own cat. So it was a triple-whammy for me! And, of course, as soon as I walked in the cats sensed a new victim and came right over to me. Well, the most amazing thing happened: NOTHING! No reaction, not even a sniffle. And later on that night, as Lynne and I sat talking on the bed, Nagie sat on her and Bobby sat on me, literally right in front of my nose…same thing, nothing. And that’s the way it’s been since then. My allergy has never returned, although when Lynne and I broke up I asked if this meant I had to get my cat allergy back! But I never have.
So NOTHING is absolute! (Yes, I’m aware that’s a self-negating statement–LOL!) So if you’re looking for someone to give advice on dating and relationships, go with the ones who use words like “majority”, “usually”, or “pre-disposed”, and who understand and advise with the knowledge that EACH INDIVIDUAL is their own person. That every person and every relationship is unique. That includes ME! That’s why you’ll hear me say things over and over like “be yourself” and “what do YOU want” and finding someone who is “perfect for YOU”. Because no one, and I mean NO ONE, can tell you what is right or what works for YOU! Not even me. Only YOU are the one who knows that. Become comfortable with figuring what does work for you and you will be well on your way to an empowered life and the building of GREAT relationships!