This is a real good thought. As I went to the hospital last week, I talked to a psychologist called Jeroen. I talked to him because I get treated for my whiplash and I am in a rehabilitation program. Now the thing is that I always took care of my family myself. I raised my children on my own, I worked very hard and wanted the best for all of us So I was a giver, never a taker or a receiver. I had to learn that and every now and then I fell back to the giver system instead of the person who took good care of herself. Always others first, I was taught. Never think about yourself. When you please another person, you will be pleased yourself. All beliefs I could not hold on to anymore. Happily…..But where did this bring me?
As I was talking to Jeroen Roor, the psychologist, a very good one as well and a most loving person too, I concluded that I was still in the position of the giver. Though I thought I was taking care of myself, I was still running for others without taking any time for myself. Even as I knew I slowed down a lot, the high speed in which I was travelling through my life did not give ME the things that were necessary for ME! How to learn from this? As I got my whiplash, I did not immediately think, well, this is a point of return; now I know why this happened to me. No, instead of looking at the WHY it happened, I only got upset because I could not use my neck the way I wanted to use it. I only got upset because I wanted to live my life the way I wanted to,….as before….Interesting isn’t it? I did not take in the LESSON in this, because I was used to living my life being busy without any rest in it. Sitting at the desk of Jeroen, I all of a sudden realized that, when he asked me: “How can I help you Mary? Tell me….”
And I got emotionally moved by his caring. His true caring brought tears into my eyes and I wanted to answer but couldn’t. Here I was, being his colleague, moved to tears and not being able to say another word. He then asked: “Why do you cry Mary?” I looked at him and could not tell him that I was moved by his loving caring for me. It was like I was totally paralyzed. Why? I realized that I was not USED to people who REALLY wanted to know how I was doing in the way he did. I was a survivor, I always chose to be the strongest one. I did not show my tears in front of people. Only in front of people I felt safe with. As we talked about this, I told him that I realized that I wanted to take better care of me. That I had discovered this button I clicked on whenever I needed it. Like when I had to work and felt terrible, there was the “Feel strong button!” I worked in my own company and I did not have the chance to sit out my dips, disappointments or sickness. I went on and on and on. Now, because of my neck, I was “forced” to sit down and look at myself. To learn from it and to take in the insight that I did not only live for others. That I was a person too. I can say that I love myself, but I did neglect me for years…
I chose to be ME first now instead of putting The Others first. I chose to take care of ME in a good way, so I can be a great help to others, but not in only a giving way. I have learned to be a receiver. And believe me, this is a much better belief than the old one. I know who I am, I love myself for who I am, as I always did. Only, I did NOT realize that I still was buying the beliefs of my mother, who taught me those old beliefs about putting others first, etc. She did this in the full perspective of her love. But I created my own insight in this. I created a better perspective for ME. For all of you, reading this blog, take a look at yourself and check this out. Who are you in this?