Self- esteem and relationships…
As I was young, I believed that one day my prince would come to pick me up and we would live happily ever after. My mom told me, that when I would be 18, there would be a real nice guy to ask me out on a date and we would get married. I did not believe that for real. First of all I knew that there was this guy waiting for me to find him, second of all I believed that my mom was projecting on me, the way she and my dad met. Though I was pretty much sure of who I was and felt really comfortable with myself, that started to change on the moment I discovered that I was different than most people of my age.
I was about 6 years as I treated a sick bird, fallen down from the nest. It was very small and I was feeding him each day 6 times. But I did something else to that. I started to talk with the little bird and let all of my Love go through him. First I connected myself with the universe, The Light. Then I asked for everything this little creature needed and filled it up with this stream of healing energy. And the bird got better each day, till it was healed. Then he flew out…I told about this to my good friends but they all looked at me like I was mentally disturbed and started to laugh and make fun out of it. I felt like I was a stranger in the middle of what used to be my safe world.
More things happened. I told my mom that a woman we knew would not live very much longer anymore, I even told her how and when I knew she would die. At that time I was about 7 years. My mom said: ‘You have this huge fantasy Mary, better make no fun out of things like this, this ain’t funny at all you know, so stop talking like that! Why on earth do you say things like this? Why making up things about other persons? I do not want you to talk like that!’ In fact I described very precisely at what time the woman was going to die. I had “seen” this the day before. She would be hit by a truck and her little dog would run away. I tried to forget it and went to school. That day as I walked back, there were a lot of people gathering around on my way home. At the exact time and place, the event took place I had foreseen. I ran home and was very upset. Talked to my mom about it, but she thought I was going bananas and sent me to my room. A couple of hours later, she came up and said I could come down again. She did not speak about it ever again. Neither did I. I knew then that I was different.
From that day I refused to talk about things I knew or saw in advance. I began to isolate myself. My mother never told me she loved me, though she did a lot of things for me, I never felt unloved. But the lack of emotional safety in combination with a non confirmative way of bringing me up, has led to a lack of self-esteem for me. I felt very ugly, too fat and too different to be popular or accepted. I always was the one people came to for advice, even in high school, even the teachers asked me what to do and how I saw things with which they apparently were having issues with. I felt lonely, not able to speak out for what my real thoughts were. And I felt like asking myself why I did not make the choice to be in the outside world. At that time I got my first boyfriend. I felt terribly in love with him, an artist who was really different than others. Like me….I never asked myself if he would be a fit to me, I just assumed he was. So I projected my wants on this guy without really looking if he WAS like I saw him. Well, he wasn’t. Our marriage lasted about 3 years. I married him at the age of 17, and my parents had to sign up for that in order to give permission. The thing I learned from this was that I wanted to LOOK who a person was before I would decide to have a deeper relationship with him. But as I fell in love again, I THOUGHT I did do that, but I did not REALLY do that. I ignored my inner voice and got involved in relationships that were not a fit for me. Only later on, I understood that this all had to do with ME! I was the one that did not believe I was worthy enough to get a REAL good and REAL LOVING relationship. My mom always said:
’What you want is a fairytale, it will never happen for you in the way you want it to happen, because that just doesn’t exist.’ I totally disagreed…
After years of practicing UNHAPPINESS, I knew it was going to change. I read the book “Happiness is a choice” by Barry ( Bears) Neil Kaufman and went to the Option Institute in America. I learned I was NOT my HISTORY and that I was totally beautiful and worthy of whatever I wanted to have or do in my life. Strange people, women I never saw before, told me that I was this most beautiful, bright and shiny person. A woman of power and spreading lots of Love…There it was that I took off my coat of “unworthiness” and started to relate to ME again. I felt strongly connected to ME! Exactly what I needed! In the meantime I met my man Brian, he accepted and accepts me exactly the way I am. What I had been hiding for so many years, started to open up again. And you know what? I felt AMAZINGLY GOOD!!! Better than I had ever felt in my entire life….
Now what I want to make clear to you all is, that the way you THINK, ACT or BELIEVE is “making” you happy or unhappy. But remember this; it is YOU and ONLY YOU that is doing this to YOU! When there has been NOBODY except you, to confirm that you are the most adorable, bright, beautiful and loving creature, do it yourself!
Be honest and stop immediately judging yourself negatively in each possible way!
Look at the beautiful you who you truly are and wipe out all the negative thoughts THE OTHERS have or had about you.
Looking back I am grateful for everything that ever happened, though I could have learned things quicker, it is like Brian said this morning: ’I am so, so happy that all of these things have led you directly to me. Which is true. For all of you who recognize things in this blog, know that whatever you decide to do with your life, it is a learning process. Which you can do in the way and the speed you chose to do. However, one thing I am totally sure about is that when you truly want to be you, you can start with making YOUR wants list which will bring YOU to YOU in GIANT steps! Being the REAL you is so much more fun, is so much more effortless and is so much more rewarding. So why wait?