In relationships we hold on to the belief that friends want to be there for each other, no matter what. Real friends that is. Now I am not a fairytale teller in this, but ask around you and you will hear about the same. People have real friends who will be there for a lifetime and people will have been disappointed in what they thought were their friends. Look at this in your own life. But how to deal with that? Do you judge your friends whenever they are not there with you when you need them? Do you criticize them for it and feel offended? How will your reaction be? Whenever a friend is there to help you out, or whenever you are there to help your friend it is totally fine. But when life takes its own course again and we do not call that often anymore, do our friends feel used? Do they believe they were only good enough to help out?
Has this to do with beliefs we hold on to? Do we judge it and let go of the friendship, or do we think about our own part in this?
This is an interesting question. Everybody will get to know some kind of situation in which he or she will be thinking for the other. In this case for the friend. We will even base our actions on that assumed belief.
‘She did not respond my mail, I wonder what happened. Was it something I said? Or is she too busy with others now, to even bother about me? Well, I believe I will keep some distance here, I do not choose to mail again. Now it’s her turn.’ Or what to think of the next: ‘I have been talking and I have been listening for hours, I have called her up each day because she needed that. Because I wanted to be a real good friend. And look now what’s happening! She even doesn’t call me every day to tell me how things are. She even doesn’t bother to inform me once a week. Well, I know enough now. I am the only one who is the giver here and I am not going to spend more energy at her again!’
It is so remarkable that we do give energy here to be THINKING FOR the friend, but do not act authentic in this. We hide. We are ruminating about it. We even discuss it with our partner, our other friends. And decide to feel hurt or offended. But we do not speak out what we feel towards the one we are thinking for. Often we act normal, when we are in contact again. ‘But I believe I want to give her or him another chance to make up for this.’ Right!’But maybe she or he had a bad mood and will be a real good friend now, you never know!’Right!……We often talk more with others about issues with a friend than talking to a friend directly, this is called hiding. Not telling what you feel is almost always based on a belief of fear.
Friendship is a relation. And relations are very well served by being authentic. Even when that could hurt the friends’ feelings, we can always tell them how we feel or think about certain issues. Instead of swallowing it, chewing on it and then spit it out into their faces when we are totally fed up with the situation. Brian calls this “shoulder bagging”, commonly used in love relationships as well.
Just think about it and how things could work out for you here. You can be very loving, very friendly and still tell your friend or partner what you feel or think. And it is always up to them how to respond to that. Know that whatever THEY say about that and directly or indirectly about YOU, this is only THEIR opinion and it has NOTHING to do with YOU! It is only a thought or an opinion the friend or the partner holds on to. It is a way of viewing the world. With you in it.
‘But I feel hurt when he or she is talking like this!’ Why? Why feel hurt when YOU know it is not true at all? Why feel hurt when YOU know you did the best you could? Just talk about it and then decide what you want to do with what your friend or partner said to you. Do you decide to take in their words and to think about it? Or do you decide to take the words in and feel guilty? It is ALWAYS YOUR decision how to feel. The other person NEVER MAKES you feel hurt or guilty. You do.
Yesterday we were visiting friends of mine, Remko and Esther and their three children May, Jip and Thomas. Brian never saw them, I did not see them for almost 3 years, so it was a real joy to meet again! Within 10 minutes, we were talking, hugging with the kids and it was like we only saw each other y 3 minutes ago instead of 3 years. We laughed our asses off, we talked seriously and we were even moved to tears. It was all still there. Without any comment on the absence of contact during a long time, we totally enjoyed each other’s company. Brian never met them, he did not feel very good as we left our house, to get into the car. We drove about 2 hours to reach their house, since they are living in Leusden, which is not next door. But, immediately after we were in their house, Brian felt much better. We ate, we drank some diet coke and we were present in a totally authentic way. Even the children who never met Brian and did not really remember who I was, wanted to hug as as they went to bed. And this was a REAL hug, so not a polite or taught hug at all. They WANTED to express their feelings to us as we did to them. And it moved us right into our souls to feel their openness and love.
Remko and Esther are authentic people and fully aware of their own presence. Their love has known ups and downs as well, as with many of other people being in relationships. What was very clear was their strong want and belief that they choose to be partners. Loving partners. When there are much differences between two people it will be a different relationship than when two partners are very much alike and share the same view on life. However, this does NOT mean that the relationship is not working!
The key in this all is authentic communication in a loving way. Without judging and without thinking for the other person. Being patient, being loving and most of all being PRESENT. LISTENING to what the partner wants to tell, without already forming your own sentences can take some practice, but is very worth wile. I used to think that a relationship was a LOT of work. Now, being in a relationship with my love Brian I simply experience that a relationship does not take work at all!
We are communicating in a very open way about ANYTHING. We share the same view on life. We are both writers, we share the same passion in this. Brian is more a screenplay writer and a filmmaker than I am. I am the writer type, I even hold the belief that writing is as breathing for me. I want to do that each day!
As I said, we were at Remko and Esther’s place and we talked about almost everything yesterday night. We were able to advice them in options to look at things that were happening in their lives. Which made the evening even more fun! Remko is a very good acupuncturist, with his own practice and many clients. He is funny, high sensitive, can be dominant every now and then and knows that. But most of all he is a guy who is loving, he wants to learn how to live his life in an even better way than he already lives it. Letting go of the ego related issues. I admire him for doing that! Esther is a very intelligent and high sensitive person too, who handles situations with care and who undoubtedly is what I call a GIVER. She wants to be there for the children and quitted her job at the bank she was working for. Being a mum to 3 children, she is very busy. Still she is putting a lot of effort in her relationship with Remko. Esther is a very strong and powerful person with a hugely loving soul. Remko and Esther are in a learning process with each other, life and all they encounter. And this is a real joy to witness. Apparently in real love, there seems to be space. A space in which one can breathe, be oneself and feel totally accepted for who her or she is. Weather this is in a friendship or a relationship. A space in which we do not judge one another. A space in which we can freely speak out our thoughts and feelings. Without fear, in a self created comfort zone. Whenever you recognize certain things in what I just wrote down in this blog, take it in…Whenever you decide to change your belief by what you just read, feel empowered to do that in a totally comfortable way. Feeling guilty is a self chosen feeling. It is adopted by something you belief is true. But whenever you have done everything possible at that time, it is totally fine. Because it was all you could do at that moment. Moments in the past we cannot change, the way we view them can be changed at any time.