This weekend I decided to take some more time for me. By deciding to do so, instead of doing errands in the house, I did not get dressed and took an “Off Sunday” in pajamas. Anyone who would have told me about half a year ago, that I would not be doing anything at all on a Sunday, I would have declared to be totally insane. I always do SOMETHING. But now I considered it to be a challenge to do none of the things I normally do, such as the laundry ( in between writing a blog or working on books, walking the dog or taking care of The Others), I just putted all of the laundry on the kitchen floor, looked at it and decided to literally “get over it!” Took a shower, grabbed a cozy, warm pajama and jumped into bed again. My first thought was to write a blog. I resisted it. Then I decided to have a telephone call with some people, which I did. Then I drifted off. A lack of sleep during the last couple of nights, caused by my own belief that I still feel responsible for my children to come home safely after going out, made me feel dozy and comfy. I snuggled with Brian, who thought it was a great idea of getting back into the warmth shelter of the bed again. Sunday is Holy Sunday to him because of the American football games and as he was looking the game, Istarted to dream. In this dream I saw my dad who died almost 4 years ago. However, I still see him and talk to him. Though his physical appearance is gone, I still feel his presence with me. Always. I wanted to know how he felt about my love for Brian and the way we are together. He was very loving but also cautious. He told me that he thought of Brian in a good way. A reliable and most loving person, he told me. But how do YOU feel about it Meertje? (My dad used to call me Meertje or Marietje, or Kleintje, the last name means little one) I told him that I felt a deep gratitude for Brian in my life. That we love each other in a deep way. That I always FEEL Brian, even when we are not together, even when he is not with me in a physical way. MY dad understood it perfectly and nodded his head.
‘Just like it is with us now’ he answered. Then he told me that it is all about what I feel and NOT what The Others feel or think about this.’
‘ As long as YOU feel happy and are totally present with and in the situation with him, combining your brains with your feelings it’s alright, he told me. I feel so happy, really happy for the both of you!’ As I woke up, I smiled and felt a little sad at the same time, I do miss my father’s presence in a physical way. My dad was a fabulous hugger; he could give his soul energy in an overwhelming way just by hugging us. My father always knew when something was wrong with me. It could be that he did not phone for weeks, then all of a sudden he started to call me up and asked:
’Is everything okay there?’ Just on the exact moment I felt like shit.
I have had several relationships, I have loved in a deep way before. Still there is a HUGE difference between ALL of the other relationships and the relationship of Brian and me. And that is PURE AUTHENTICITY….
In the beginning all of my former relationships were loving, attending and very much wanting to put in all energy I wanted to put in there. But after two, or three months, the first masks started to fall off with my partners. Being inauthentic, the guys I dated said nothing was wrong, they told me that they just showed more of the real them to me. So what was the issue? After 6 months in the relationship, I saw a totally DIFFERENT person than the guy I dated in the beginning. And almost all of them wanted to be taken care of. This is a very easy thing to me, as being The Giver instead of The Taker in relationships. But it made me into the ONLY giver. The behavior of the partners were dominant or showed a total lack of interest, egoistic talk and refusal to put in any energy in me and the relationship anymore… The guys held on to the belief that once they HAD me, they did not have to put any energy into the relationship anymore. I was just nagging in their belief. All clear to me now, looking back. What an insight! When I stood up for me and my wants, they did not want to respond to that. Or only with a very small interest. As long as they did not have to do much, it was fine. I felt unhappy. I had been authentic, I felt misunderstood and neglected. I wanted to have a relationship from soul to soul; I wanted to have a relationship with a person that would REALLY love ME. I talked about it with friends, they all recognized the things I said, but almost all of my friends thought that this was the way things go. My mum told me that what I wanted was impossible. Fairytales don’t exist, she said. My reaction to this all was that I did not want to sell my beliefs in order to get a relationship, based on inauthenticity. I believed and still believe in an authentic and very loving relationship. In being authentic at all times, even when you would “fear” the reaction of your partner. With Brian and me it is all what I ever wanted. I never do fear as I tell Brian things that I do not like. I never HAVE to make up a belief such as that he can tell me things that will hurt me, because I am the owner of my own beliefs. And my belief is that I am totally fine with whatever Brian wants to say or decides to tell me. Being authentic in a LOVING way gives way more stability than whatever you can think of. I KNOW he loves me. So, therefore I understand that it will never be Brian’s intention to hurt me. He can tell me certain things I never thought of, he can show me a side in me I was not aware of before, but does that mean that Brian can MAKE me feel unhappy? No! I and only I decide what to do with his comments. I can take them in, look at them and make up my mind about it. And tell him what I feel, think or believe. Brian is as authentic as I am and does the same to me. The outcome of that all is a very loving comfort zone, created by two very loving and empowered people. Appreciating each other’s belief, communicating in a way without defending ourselves and laughing about things we both start to see different. Life is a learning process!
The reason I am telling this to our readers is that I want you to be aware of true authenticity and the meaning of this in relationships. When one of the partners is authentic and the other is not, you can talk about it. Most of the time partners are simply hiding their feelings, thoughts and actions, because of a judgmental belief. To themselves as well as to their partner. Unsure what their partner will think, say or do with it. Even trying to get the most of the rope to hold…But it’s all about decisions here. You can DECIDE to open yourself up and show the real you. Whenever you seem to have forgotten who you are, since you have been hiding out for as long as you remember, start with the first step; see the huge benefit of being authentic. It will save you time, it will save you discussions and it will make your life much easier. In the beginning, it will be something you decide. Then it will start to feel as a relief. To be who you are without worrying what The Other(s) will say, think or do about that. I do not preach an egoistic way of living here. Like, “well, you better accept me as I am, because I am not going to change; this is what you get and I don’t give a shit about whatever you think!”attitude. No, I am talking about being the REAL YOU in a very relaxed, open and very loving way. Towards yourself AND The Others…Whenever your partner refuses to be authentic, talk about it. Communicate. And trust on your belief that there is always a way out! Knowing that NOBODY can MAKE you feel unhappy. EVERYTHING another person is telling about you is just the OPINION of the other person. The way he or she sees you or thinks about you. But ONLY you know YOU. ONLY YOU can decide to take in a belief of The Others, or stay with your belief, knowing who you are. Really are. And when you do know who you really are, the opinion of another person is just an opinion. It does not say ANYTHING about you. It only expresses the way other people THINK you are. So why would you take that in as YOUR belief?
With Brian and me it is very easy. We tell each other what our wants are. And we live by that. We decided to be authentic, as we feel we ARE. And THIS is why I know that Brian and I will stay together for a lifetime. Because there are no hidden agendas, no masks to fall off, no unexpected unauthentic moves. We choose to be together, from the inside as well as from the outside. In total acceptance of each other. In a hugely loving way.