Thinking about a blog, I decided to write about the way we act. Or in this case, the way I act.
Everybody deals with confrontations every now and then. In relationships, work, life…Though I WANT to act in an authentic way, though I believe I act in an authentic way, I still wonder why it is that sometimes I find it difficult to stand up against The Others. In these moments it feels difficult to react the way I want to. Sometimes I feel like I am not 51 but 15… Not always, but every now and then.
This morning I discussed that with Brian. When I talk to him, Brian is able to ask the right questions at the right time. meaning that he never judges me, no matter in what proces I am in. He is very direct but at the same time so loving, that I feel totally free to say whatever comes up. This is one of the things in our relationship that means so much to me. being me, no matter what. Being loved, feeling loved, no matter what. And always in an open and supporting way. Our relationship becomes more beautiful each day. We learn from each other. We appreciate each other. We are two connecting souls, connected by the deep Love we share. I feel so deeply grateful for Brian in my life. I have always known that this was possible and I never kept my faith in true Love. My belief is that whenever you hold on to what you truly belief, it will come your way…It may take some time, but it is there at the right time and place.
Back to the main story now. Though I love (deliberately I write this in the present time because even though my dad is in the Light, I still love him) my father very much, he has been dominant and he could have a temper that frightened me as a child. Whenever I wanted to say something back, my dad did not allow that and he warned me not to say a thing! This happened more than once. The belief I bought through these events was that The Other was always right and I was not allowed to speak up against him. So, because I was learned that reacting and giving my opinion was a very disrespectful thing, I began to change myself into the way my dad wanted me to be. Silent, not speaking up against anyone and because both of my parents were not able to stand up for themselves, only when things got very worse, I never saw an example of how to solve a disagreement other than at the worst. My dad could react in a calm way, but when I disagreed he did not want me to stand up against him. My belief I have been holding on to since my youth was: The Other is always right and when I believe he is not right, I will not be allowed to say this.
Now I am a grown up person, I still have issues with standing up to persons who are dominant and even though I decide not to react in the way the child in me was taught, it can be a struggle for me. Why?
Somehow I believed that I had to wrap the bad news in beautiful gift paper, and bring it in a very good way, so The Other could buy that. The Other does not necessarily have to agree with me, not at all, but I used to hate it when The Other started to shout or started to call me names.
I realize that I have reacted more from the child view on disagreement than from the adult view. And I wanted to change that. So I did. I started to speak up for myself without fear. Most of the time this is what I choose, but sometimes it can happen that I feel I react as the child. That I want to behave good, so The Other will like me more. I hated fights, the shouting, the quarrels. As it happens I only realize later, that I reacted in this way. It can even be even in the moment I am doing it. So I decided to be more aware This is a learning progressing proces in me.
What I want to make clear is that I have learned a lot. How to act differently and stand for what I feel, think and how I act or respond. But I have learned more. Every now and then as I do react like the child I used to be, I let it happen and choose to learn from that. I do not judge myself for it, I embrace myself for it. I want to look at it and take out the new lesson. And enjoy being me at all times. Even when I feel sad, even when I feel irritated. Because life is a beautiful learning path that I want to walk with an open mind, heart and soul. In full awareness.
Do I need to write more? Don’t think so… these words written down by a person who really understood what life was about, have stayed with me for years and years. They are still true and will always be true….