How to get what we want without having expectations is a difficult thing to many of people. I would like to put that differently.
“How to KNOW what we want” comes before the “how to GET what we want….”
Let me explain this to you.
In my work I meet a lot of people who THINK they know what they want and try very hard to get that. They purchase their wants in an almost fanatic way; they get disappointment after disappointment in what they receive. Or better in what they believe they do NOT receive. I will give an example.
One day a man comes into the office and he says he feels depressed in an enormous way. Actually he is just done with his search for help, nothing worked so far. he got pills from his doctor to feel less depressed, didn’t work. He had been seen by a psychologist, did not work either. He does not see any outcome anymore and I was the last person he wanted to go to. I asked him why.
‘Because you were recommended to me by a friend’s friend’ he told me.
‘What do you tell yourself in this?’I asked him.
‘Well, I hope you might tell me what to do with my life’ he answered.
Now this is something I hear more than often. I asked the guy why he thought that I would be the one who had the right answers for him. He looked at me, and then said: ’Because you are the expert!’
WOW! This is a very interesting belief! I do not know this person and he believes that I am his best expert. Of course I do understand how he means it. He expects me to help him and believes that I know these internal processes better than he does. But is it true that I am the guy’s best expert? No!
In my belief every person is its own best expert. All the questions can be answered by the expert. In this case by himself! (here I want to add, that whenever you are interested in developing yourself, please take a look at: www.option.org the site of The Option Institute. Here you can find life changing courses through which you can empower yourself even more!) As we talked, we came to the cause of this all in his life. He did not feel like he was seen by his parents, he did not have the feeling that it mattered that he was here on earth. Everyone rejected him. His life was useless…so were his expectations…
So I asked:
‘How about you? Do YOU reject YOU? At this point he began to cry. He did recognize the load of this question and told me that this was totally true. He rejected himself hugely.
‘Why do you reject yourself?’I asked him.
‘Because no person in the world can love me for who I am’ he replied.
‘Then who are you?’ I asked him.
After he calmed down again, he answered me that he actually was a real nice guy who wanted the best for everyone. He was a giver and did not ask ANYTHING for himself.
‘Could it be that this is why people seem to see you as a piece of their furniture?’ I asked him directly. I explained that always being a giver, means that The Others do not “have” to give you anything. I said:’What you have is always available, it’s always there…because you do not ASK for ANYTHING. Other than the want you are willing to mean something to them and apparently do not expect anything from them towards you. I asked him if this could be the case and what was his view on this.
‘I never thought about it in that way’ he answered.
‘How does it feel to think about it in that way now?’ I wanted to know.
‘Well, if I would be clear on what my wants are for myself, I also would be able to tell them what my wants are!’ he told me.
‘And how does that feel?’I asked him again.
‘ It feels as a relieve’ he answered.
‘What is your belief in this?’ I asked.
‘I believe that I finally start to understand why things happened in my life the way they happened’ he replied. I decided to ask more questions.
‘What happens when some person, who always relied on your saying yes to everything, now asks you something without even considering your ability to say yes or no to his/her wants?’I wanted to know.
‘I would act different. First I would ask ME how I felt about that want. I would have a choice!’ he answered me happily.
This example tells us what not only this client did, many other people still put The Others first. It tells us that a lot of people still THINK their want is to be liked by The Others…Why? And is this their true want?
Isn’t it far more great that The Others can see you as the beautiful person you are? Even when you do not act the way THEY want you to act?
Doesn’t it feel great to feel and understand that YOU decide WHAT to do or give to another person? And that The Others cannot, can NEVER control YOU?
You are ALWAYS in control of YOU! Meaning that you can feel a balance within yourself! You are the most empowered person!
Life gives us many opportunities from which we can learn. Problems are there to wake us up, not to disturb us. They are our silent and sometimes even disguised little helpers. To bring us the insights we want.Without fear, filled with trust and feeling very comfortabele!
Expectations are not more than the scenarioWE have written ourselves for The Others, how we think they “SHOULD” behave. (read: the script we have in mind as a reaction by The Others) Whenever The Others seem to have a free will to decide to act different than we want them to behave, (they want to write their own scenario/script), we start to get frustrated, angry, irritated or worse…
Knowing that this is the process, the choice can be very easy. Still this is different to each person because every person is somewhere in his or her own process.
By thinking about what your wants are, by knowing what your scenario’s (expectations)are, you might decide to totally stay in the moment NOW. To stop thinking for The Others. To stop creating expectations. And to be fully aware of your own thoughts, your own wants and your decision what to feel no matter what the circumstances are. YOU always decide how YOU feel. Not The Others. Only YOU…
By staying present in the NOW, you do not fill in any thoughts that belong to The Others. And whenever they decide to disagree, that does not get you out of your inner balance. Because you are always the person who can decide what happens to YOU. Does this mean that emotions are wrong? Of course not! Whenever you CHOOSE to feel emotions, that is perfectly fine. As long as it is YOU that decides you WANT to feel these emotions. Nobody in this world can MAKE you feel ANYTHING. You are the most empowered person, you and only you. So, how about your wants and expectations? Feel free to leave a comment on this!