I remember I had several friendships since I was a child. Some of these friends were with me for a short while, other friendships stayed for several years. As I grew up, I learned that it is okay to have a friend, to share and love, to walk on the mutual path of life, but that it can be totally okay to let them go when time tells you so. It can be that two friends don’t see one another for years and when they meet, they pick up where they last saw each other. It seems like there has not been a day in between. There are friends you may enjoy for a while, it can be that they vanish without ever hearing about them again.
And it can be that you HAVE to say goodbye to a friend because this friend is leaving this earth by dying.
My so beloved friend Tosca is saying goodbye within a very short while.
The moment I first saw her was in March 1980, 30 years ago. I still remember the first time I looked into her eyes and simply knew: I KNOW you….She had the same experience. I wrote about Tosca in one of the blogs about past lives. She was a dear friend in that life too, named Todja. She then lived in a “kampong”. We were not allowed to have a friendship. In this life we immediately felt we “knew” each other and that moment was the start of a deeply connected lifetime friendship.
We have been through a lot together, when she did not have enough money, I brought her food. When I was totally broke, she brought me home made noodles with chicken. When she was ill, I nursed her. I listened to her and advised her. We learned from each other. We laughed with each other. We cried with each other. Shortly; we shared ….She was there when I was having an asthma attack, when I was ill, she nursed me. She was there when I divorced and got my children. She was there when Elise, my oldest daughter, danced and got a price for that. She is a part of me, like I am a part of her. The Love I feel for Tosca is beyond borders. Even her death will never change that.
A few years ago, she felt a little nodule and it was painful, so she went to the doctor. It was considered as a muscular something and that was it. Later on she started to cough, went to the hospital and there they told her that she had cancer, it started as breast cancer that had expanded itself to her lungs and bones. We were totally stunned, this could not happen in real! Not Tosca! Who always worked her ass off, who always took care of The Others, who had had so much stress in her life and who was such a gift to everyone….On the 13th of August 2008, she came to visit us to say goodbye. Strangely enough it did not feel as she was dying within a few months or weeks at all and I decided to tell her so. She smiled and said that her doctors told her this. The time after this visit, we talked very much about life, her life, her wants and what she achieved of that. She started a special experimental treatment that improved her condition. The results were even good! Till the 16th of March this year, as she started to feel breathless. On the 20th she went to the hospital. Things got worse since then. She has difficulties breathing, the doctors have done all they can…
Tosca is a very special person, not only to me, but to many other people I know. The only thing that she was looking for was rest, find a way not to overwork herself in order to be able to pay for all the bills and to live her life with her dogs and horse and her friends. Recently she said goodbye to her last partner, which did cost her all of her strength to tell him. They were already separated souls for years and years. Actually it was like that from the start, they were together but not in real togetherness. Tosca once loved (and married) a man so deeply that as he died (he got shot) and she went there to identify him, she afterwards told me that the Tosca she used to be was gone. That she would NEVER love a person this much anymore. Years later I understood that this was not only a statement, it was a promise she kept till the end. She tried to protect herself in this way and fully understood that this so called protection, did not allow her to FEEL deep love ever again too. She chose to live her life in this way, rather than feeling the same pain ever again. She told me that she admired me for being able to open myself up each time I got my lessons of life. And asked me why I did that. I answered her that I wanted to give and feel love in the deepest way possible. Because that gave me what I wanted. She felt amazed that this was possible. She thought the price I paid for that was too high. Though she did marry again, she could not give herself for the full 100% anymore. What she did do, was compensate this by taking care of her second husband in a perfect way. The marriage ended after a few years and after this Tosca did not believe in Love again. She decided that all she felt was that being here on earth was a struggle for life. The Love she had, was given to her dogs and horse and to her friends who were always there for her. Her family has always been important to her, her brothers, her father, her mother….she gave everything possible to be the perfect daughter, until she realized that in the eyes of her mother, there was no perfect daughter. That has meant and has taken a lot. Now, at the end of her life, her mother shows the mom she always wanted to have…
Tosca has always asked me: ‘What is the reason why I am here? I experience my life as being hard and life has taken a lot from me. I find it hard to always fight to be able to exist. I feel so tired of it all, when does this fight stop? When will I be able to live a normal live without stress and so many problems?…’ We talked about the events in her life a lot. I tried to explain that NOTHING in life happens to irritate, frustrate or depress you. That the events that take place are there as mirrors to look in and then find the insights they can give you. Tosca is a very sensitive person, who used to live by mostly using her brain capacity and did not want to go into her real feelings too much in times of stress. She was afraid she would not be able to survive when she did. She likes structure, wants to be organised, so she can have control over things. She did everything to keep control over everything, untill she realised that there was no control…Unexpected things happened, control proved itself to be a not existing aspect of life.
During the last years, she got many answers on many questions. She read books on a spiritual base more and more and developed a balance between mind and soul. We had great conversations about spiritual growing and how this all influenced her. She got so many answers to so many questions, she was able to forgive and to let go of the things that bothered her. The last years have taken so much of her powers. The battle with the companies that wanted money of her, the way she felt in the last relationship she had. She knew for years that she wanted to end it, but still she was the ultimate giver in this. It was almost impossible for her to hurt another person, even as this person took much more than she received. Even as she felt she could not give any more, she gave her last power. The only thing she got from him was the reaction she always got, the reaction of the victim; the reaction from the child within him. As a child believes the world is only about him, so did he. There was too little room for Tosca. She was the mother and was expected to behave as one to him.
How sad it is, to witness that she asked for Love from her partner and did not get what she wanted. The normal things as being together, sharing, taking good care of each other, were the things she longed for and did not receive in this relationship. I am convinced that the lack of Love in this way has influenced her highly and that this has taken lots of energy from her. She never felt a victim, she always was the warrior. She enjoyed life when she was riding her horse, or when she was with her friends and her dogs. The missing of a child was compensated by her dogs. They all were dogs with a history, abandoned or rejected; she gave them a warm and very much loving home.
Later in her process as we spoke to each other, she told me that she found such a rest and power in what we discussed. We talked about the Light, about her dream in which her father was standing outside of her house at the wooden little parapet, waiting for her to come with him on her last journey. She then told him that she was not ready yet…I am convinced her father will be there for her now, together with all the animals she loved and who have passed away before her, together with the man she lost, who will be there to tell her he wants her to know it’s allright….
Tosca and I talked about her life, as we ate together the last time we visited her. We laughed, talked deeply about what was on her mind, in which Brian was a great help to her. As we left, she told me that Brian was the best man possible for me and that she was so happy for us both! Even the names Mary and Brian were so matching, she said. As Brian said: ‘Mary van der Valk and Brian Ellis, could even be changed into; Mary Ellis and Brian van der Valk! We feel so blessed that we could talk together and are so very greatful for that! Tosca asked me to tell Brian that what he said to her, was exactly what she had been looking for. It comforted her in an enormous way and told me that he was the first person ever who had been talking to her like that. Another beautiful experience for her was that her second husband, from which she divorced, visited her. After a short stay they embraced each other and Tosca later on told me that this was a very special gift to her, she told me that she even felt more balanced by his caring attitude towards her. How wonderful when a person like him feels it is time to come….
Now, my dear friend is dying………She does not want to have any visits anymore. I respect that with a sharp pain in my soul because I would have loved to hold her and be with her to comfort her for the last time, as I promised her. Still I understand it too. It’s good between us; we do not need to see each other to know that. We always had a strong telepathic bond. One thing I know, even death will not divide us. I know that we will always be connected, no matter what. Tosca knows that too. Her journey to the Light will be fascinating, exiting and filled with Love in an overwhelming way.
I feel her every minute; I can feel her strength diminishing, like a river that runs down to the end of the creek. My so beloved sister, I feel so deeply connected to you, I so Love you. I will travel with you through this, know that I will always be with you………….