Lying in bed, I finally get the rest my body needs. As my doctor said:”Well, it seems to be that the man with the hammer came by!” which is an expression here that you are exhausted.
Of course I knew I was exhausted. I only thought I did not have a CHOICE in how to deal with my exhaustion. Or as my good friend Mark T once said: ‘There must be SOMETHING in it, because you WANT it, you are the one who makes this CHOICE’…. How very true.
Everything has to do with our beliefs, with how we hold on to the beliefs in life.
My belief was that I HAD to work this hard. I HAD to overdo myself to KNOW I did EVERYTHING possible to live the way I thought was best.
But was it?….
Since my car accident in August 2006, I have had a whiplash. A young guy decided to drive through a red traffic sign and drove into my car with high speed. I just started to drive, since my traffic light was green. He bumped into my side and it is a miracle I am still alive. This has had far more influence to me than I could have ever imagined it would have. I thought the pain would be gone within a few weeks or max months. It did not. It got even worse and now, after four years and a rehabilitation program I took in the hospital, doctors tell me that there is nothing they can do for me. I seem to have a W.A.D. ( a whiplash associated disorder). Because of the pain I am not able to work the way I WANT to work. I can’t write all the books I want to write. I cannot do the maximum hours I want to work. So, all of a sudden there were a lot of things I could not do anymore, which I thought of as very frustrating!
Apart from that, there was a sign in it I did notice, but let go of again.
The sign of:”He you! Slow down there!”
Then I got another sign, first my stomach, after that my lungs. I recovered and went through with working the way I was used to do. Ignored the signs on long term again. I was holding the belief I HAD to work this much because I was the only person who was responsible to pay the rent, etc.
But was I?
I felt tired because of the not being able to sleep well for years now; my neck pains are terrible at night, despite the several sorts of pillows in my bed… Stood up, went to work and felt even more tired. Well, it has lasted almost four years before I collapsed. The point of no return…I clearly can see that now.
Friends of mine warned me before, but I did not want to listen. I could cope with my own things here, thanks! And don’t you worry!I am a strong person! I know what I am doing! Still holding on to my beliefs that I could (read SHOULD) manage this on my own.
Because of this the circle started to close itself. I became even more exhausted. And went on by willpower only. Which has brought me to this point of no escape… Now my body tells me to stop because I did not listen to all of the earlier signals. It does not give me any other choice than lie down…
I finally come back to my WHOLE ME again. I am not only WILLPOWER, I am not only STRENGTH, I am not only a bowl filled with BELIEFS, I am a WHOLE person with a BODY!!!! The train I travel in has used its emergency brakes….to stop me before it’s too late.
Thinking this over I see a pattern in it.
Every time I got an insight, I took it in. But instead of REMEMBERING it, I fell down in the same pattern again. All because I BELIEVED I did not have another CHOICE…
But I do.
Whenever this sounds familiar to you, think about it. What patters are there in your life? What are the stops for you? Where does your train (body) stop every now and then? Does it stop for a short while?
I know that I am going to do something with this on a long term now. Because I feel that this does not happen without but WITH a reason. The time I am in bed, I will spend on thinking things like this over while I am resting too. I plugged myself out for the first time in my life and want to make my changes. It’s time….
To some people it will be a few minutes to midnight….
To some other people it may seem as if thet own time….
To me, time is what I believe it is…. how about you?