The reason why I changed my mind was that I almost choked to death the night before. I had to cough, got no breath, no nose breathing possible and then tried to inhale some oxygen which was not possible, my lungs cramped into a vacuum… In those seconds my world stood still…I stopped breathing and felt panic, then sharp pain, then a strange kind of rest…My head was banging, I felt pressure on my eyes and simply knew in a very clinical observing way, that I could die.
It lasted for only seconds; in my feeling these seconds were minutes. I started to pray, please God, I connect myself to the Light, please, please help me….! Please let me have a life with Brian and watch my children grow up! Then, without me doing anything at all, it was like someone took out the wad that closed off my breath and lifted it up a bit, so I could get some air. It took all of my power to stay calm and breathe, short in and out. Tears started to drop down my cheeks. I was safe! And felt deeply grateful I could breathe again. The strange thing was that after this, I set my alarm to call my doctor first thing in the morning, instead of calling 911 (or 112 here). Why? It was very obvious that I went through the eye of the needle here. Still I chose to lie down again and concentrate myself on my breathing. I did not sleep anymore and felt terrible.
Was it because I am used to take care of The Others and not for me?
Was it because I thought this would not happen again?
Or was it because I was too sick to think at all?
Actually I did not think ANYTHING…….I just lied down trying to breath. I obviously programmed myself to call the doctor as I normally do when something happens, the first possibility to do that was at 08.00 in the morning, so I set the alarm and waited till it was 08.00 o’clock.
The doctor called me back at 10.47 and I told him what happened.
‘What do you want me to do?’ he asked, since he knew I am not a huge fan of hospitals.
‘What can we do?’ I replied.
‘I will call the hospital and let them check you’ he answered. So, that afternoon my oldest daughter Elise and her friend Timothy took me to the heart and lung department where a heart film was made, blood was taken and radiographs were made of my lungs. I seemed to have a lung infection, exactly what I thought I had and my sinuses were infected. It was like I Apart from that my duodenum was infected, as well as my intestines. No wonder I felt terrible!
But what did this learn me?
First I can tell you how incredibly strange it was to experience that I, who is ALWAYS the one to act immediately when it is about The Others, did not call for help for ME…
Secondly I can tell you that because of the high fever I had, I seem to have mixed up things and I thought Brian did not respond to me for days, which was not true at all!
I learned that I can ASK FOR HELP!!!
I learned that I DON”T HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF!
I learned that I DON”T FAIL WHEN I AM SICK!
Pfffff………..so I had to get a pneumonia etc. first, to dis-cover something I tell The Others and did not do myself…To take good care of themselves! The mirror spins round and round…just as long untill you take out the lesson that is in there. Well, it took me a while, but I did! And it will never be necessary again because this time I REALLY got the message loud and clear!
So, whenever you read this and think that your HAVE to’s, NEED to’s and MUST do’s are taking over your pleasure of life, think what your WANTS are and if they are in the majority or minority!
And take GOOD CARE OF YOU!!!! Even when your belief is you do not have a choice, believe me, you DO….
And my sweet, sweet Brian, I have ONE SHOULD have to share with you. I SHOULD have listened to you when you almost begged me to go to the hospital and I will never let it come this far ever again. How difficult it was for you, not being able to do anything with that huge ocean between us. And how deeply I love you………..