As you know, I am in the hospital now. Lying in bed, being taken care of and resting a lot. The way I felt as I was at home, I did not want to go here. Now I am here, I am in the moment and can let go of everything. Since 2 days another woman was brought in, short of breath too, age 83. Her name is Jannie. Lots of humor, but as exhausted as I am. She has been alone her entire life, never got married. Jannie took care of her nephew when her older sister died at the age of 36 from cancer, but since he moved out she lives her life alone in her house.
Now I cannot do very much, apart from talking and she is as deaf as you can imagine, still we communicate. Her hearing attributes help her a little bit, but most of the time, she talks and I listen. Her view on life is that you have to take life as it comes, or not …To let go of what you believe is good for you, because life will decide differently than you ever imagined. I have a colleague here!!! Who believes control is fried air too!!! YOOHOO!!!
Yesterday evening I sat down at her bed as I came back from the bathroom. We cough in stereo and laugh about ourselves as we walk slowly and try to breath. She told me that she wants to enjoy her life in her own way. And talked about her two year older sister who died, about her son who actually is her nephew and about her grandchild who wanted to call her grandma. She refused.
‘Grandma is a title that belongs to my deceased sister, SHE is their granny, not me. I am auntie Jannie. That’s who I am, once i said that, I never heard them say anything about it ever again.’
Jannie is a very decisive person with the mentally age of a young woman. Only her body does not do what she wants it to do. Like mine…. Being together in one room means you start to share. Our world has diminished itself to a few square meters and there is no outside world in our world now. Except for some visitors, who bring in stories, we are isolated in the moment now. Which is great! Jannie is not used to get a hug, so I hug her. She is not used to receive love in the way I am used to give Love, she enjoys getting it. I enjoy giving it. We both fill each other up with good and sparkling energy, despite our physical function, we are alive and kicking! I take care for her when she can’t find the bell to press, so the nurse will come. I get out of my bed to put in her oxygen when it falls out of her nose again. I give her some water and a bowl to spit it in, after spraying. (Necessary because you can get blisters in your mouth when you don’t rinse with water) She sleeps a lot, but whenever she is awake she has such a great remarks and answers, funny, sharp and to the point. There is another person in her life who takes care of her and that is Dick, a neighbor from across the street. She can call him night and day, which she does do too….he takes care of the house, her garden and does errands in the house. Drives her to the hospital and back, drinks coffee with her and stays with her in the evening. I asked him why.
‘She is alone, no one else who does it this way, so whenever I can do something for her, I choose to do so. She can be very sweet but she can also be a real pain in the ass, still I love her for the beautiful person she is. What else does she have in her life? What use does her life have?’
I started to think this over. To Dick Jannie’s life is pretty meaningless, to Jannie herself it is not. She tells me that she thinks the world around her is terribly hard.
‘People don’t care about each other that much, ‘she said. ‘Now I don’t care about people or what they say, people like to talk negatively about each other. But I hate that. So I live my life for me now, the way I want it, the way I believe is best for me.’
The remarkable thing in this is that I see Jannie as a very warm and helpful person. With her own ideas, which is great! I like that! She is social, warm and intelligent. Because of her deafness people make jokes out of her, knowing she will not hear it. Still, that does not bother her at all. She makes jokes out of them at the same time. Yesterday her nephew, whom she brought up, was here to visit her. He took her downstairs to the main hall; there is a little flower shop there that also sells gifts. After half an hour she came back, sitting in the wheelchair and with a beautiful bright smile on her face. In her hands she held a silk flower in a small pot.
‘Here! For you!’ she said and stood up to give it to me. That gesture moved me and I even got teary eyes. Here stood a woman of 83 years old, who could barely breathe, with her hands around this little flowerpot, because she wants to express her feelings to me.
‘And don’t say you do not like it because it is beautiful!’ she warned me. I had to laugh, which I could not, so we both almost choked in our coughing ….hahahahaha! In the short while I got to know her, I start to love Jannie more and more. As I am writing the blog, she is asleep again. Making little noises…so sweet. The bond we feel is one that will remain, she asked me to visit her when we are “out” again. I promised her I will do that. She is a brave, good hearted person. The Others do not always understand her the way she is. But that is totally fine to Jannie.
‘I am who I am and whenever The Others believe I am a bitch, so be it. It tells me something about them, it doesn’t say anything about me. It’s just the way The Others view me in their world. I have learned that I can only think and decide for me and I feel totally happy with that!’
I cannot agree more. How about you? How important is the opinion of The Others to you? And do you believe that they are right about you? Or can you leave their opinion to them? Without taking it into your beliefs about you? By staying in the NOW, you will be able to create a feeling of being detached in a way. Enjoying what is there, letting go of what can disturb your peace. By choosing for what is and by realizing what will pass. Looking at it in a “bird on a wire view” things will get clearer to you. Everything that IS will be past time after another breathing. So why taking in the painful emotions when you can decide to be happy?
I cannot do much, except for lying in bed and shuffle to the bathroom in the corridor. Does this mean that I feel unhappy? Or feel victimized, asking questions such as why me? Of course not! I enjoy the moment I am in right now and learn from it. Happiness is something you create, it is the same process people go through when they create the opposite: unhappiness. Knowing this, my choice is made. I feel a truly blessed and very grateful person. I create my own happiness, how about you?