Yesterday Timothy, the boyfriend of my oldest daughter Elise, picked me up from the hospital and drove me home. I had to pick up some meds by the pharmacy and he drove me there too and waited for me to come back. We have been talking for quite a while.
As we were driving, he asked me more about the way I work with people and if he could learn that too. I explained him how to live a full life here and he listened carefully and said he understood what I was telling him. I told him how to live your life here on earth the way you want to live it. He wanted to live his life in a conscious and aware way. Told me about his website plans and what he wanted to do with his performances. He called Elise with my phone and asked when they would meet, they both agreed that Timothy would come the next day to Elise her place, the moment he heard her voice his eyes started to twinkle and he looked happy.
This morning I was called by a friend of Elise, called Rochelle. She told me that she had a real bad message for me and that it had to do with Elies. The first thing I asked was: ‘What’s a matter with Elise? ‘But then she answered: ’No, it has to do with Elise but it is not Elise….’ It was about Timothy . She told me he jumped out of the window in his apartment and died…
I cannot tell what went through me; it was like an ice cold hand took me up and put me down again. I could not breathe and I felt paralyzed. I heard Elise at the background in shock hyperventilating, screaming and crying. What a shock!
These two were so close, they were so loving and caring to each other. Elise decided to immediately go to the hospital where he was brought in Alkmaar, the MCA. She has been there with him for over 20 minutes and held his hand, held him and kissed him for the last time. Then she came home. Broken and with swollen eyes of the crying. I opened the door for her and hugged her. We both cried intense. One of the most talented guys I have ever known died. Musician, he taught himself to play instruments, played self composed music. Adored Beethoven, his entire life was music.(look also at www.thebodhi.nl)
Incredible dub step music, how I loved his compositions! He worked every now and then as a model, (he looked a bit like Lenny Kravitz) and started to make websites too. Timothy was a friend of my son, we knew him for years. Only the last half year, we saw him more often. A very inventive, creative and very spiritual and really caring and loving guy. He and Elise were a team in creativity, both spiritual and they had a strong bond together. It was beautiful to see these two individuals become as one. When they were together, you could see how much they loved each other. When they were not together and spoke of each other, you could tell the same.
In the car, on the way home from the hospital, we talked and Timothy talked about control, that everything was controlled. I asked him how he meant this.
‘Well, there seems to be someone or some force that is telling you what to do, and I do not want to feel controlled’ he said.
I explained to him, that the Light is not a force that wants to control you at all. Nothing new, since he always has been interested in these things. There was no sign that he asked this for another reason than just being interested in it. Tim spoke about this subject with more people, such as his friends who understood him and who were very committed to him. He lived his life in a spiritual way, and neither Timothy or his friends talked about it in a destructive way.
Timothy drove me home, got my bags and put them inside at my house. I asked him if he had something to eat, because he looked a bit pale. I asked if he wanted something to drink, or eat but he told me that he was fine, had eaten a sandwhich with egg and that he wanted to walk to his apartment. It was a very sunny day and he loved to go for a walk. This morning I woke up and felt restless, half an hour later the phone rang and Rochelle, the roommate of Elise, told me Timothy jumped out of his window and died…
The misery of this all is obvious. We are all in total shock…
Many of his friends gathered here at the house, sharing their feelings, crying and talking about Timothy. Their togetherness is so intense and so empowering that it is a real bless to be a part of that! Through our tears we celebrated Timothy, talked about the way he influenced their lives. The way he was creative, the way in which he spoke about spirituality, the way he looked at life, the way he was there for the ones who loved him, the way he made his music, the complete Timothy…
Timothy, our talented, gifted and loving friend decided to escape his physical limitation and went back to the Light…Why he has decided to do so we don’t know. There are so many questions without answers.
There are people who believe that I could have seen this coming. But I did not, neither did Elise or his best friends who were very close to him. Aspecially since Timothy made such great plans for his life! It is really hard to accept what happened, because we love him so much and all want him to be with us. Still, Timothy will never be gone. In each of us he has left a little piece of him, which we will carry with us. His creative soul will be remembered by his beautiful songs, music, and all of the loving memories. How incredibly hard it is to his parents, losing your child is the most terrible thing that can happen…How hard this is to his sisters and family…
To Elise it is very hard to miss him. They made plans, she thought of a new artist name: “The Bodhi” which he immediately liked, they were enthusiastic and felt so good when they were together. He told me how happy they were. She inspired him to write more music, he wrote music for her and he wanted to pick up his professional musical path again to work out ideas and decided to make a new start with his performances. They were going to make some money so they could buy the Yamaha DX 7 he wanted to have. he went totally wild in the store seeing it! So alive, so much plans. Elise and Tim were so together! With her it was different, he said. Elise was very much like him in many ways. Togetherness in so many things…
Knowing this all, it makes it hard to understand why he took his own life in this way.
To his family, his parents and his friends this is a loss that will be hard to overcome. Our thoughts are with them all….
What happened is hard to accept, it is hard to understand that he will never be here again, no jumping anymore, no dancing or sudden laughters anymore…It is hard we cannot hold him, hug him and live our lives with him in a physicall way. But Timothy will never be really gone. He will be alive in us, he will be with us and we will always think of him. In my belief he is in the Light now, where Love and Freedom will comfort him. Timothy talked about the why he was on earth with a lot of people. What the meaning was of being born and living here.
But don’t we all do that from time to time? I thought he found some answers in that, though his questions remained. To me he made an impression of wanting to be alive, not at all of suicide. Timothy was busy with his life and I have seen him being happy, laughing and dancing. There were no conversations that pointed out that he was only busy with the why he was here. He was very much present in the Now…go with the flow, it’ll be allright.
Timothy made music, he inspired people, he was here in a HUGE way. Still he did not feel that himself a lot. He could have never imagined what he meant to so many, many other people. The influence he has had on their lives and still has. A great personality, a very loving and very caring person, always helping! Such a talented guy, he even started to play another instrument. So productive, such an energy, such a talent of learning himself how to play an instrument. He adored Beethoven and sent me a link on Youtube to watch a piano solo. How he enjoyed that! We skyped together and laughed a lot! He and Elise were working together, creating, painting together, making such a beautiful plans. It is therefore so hard to understand what went through his mind.
We do not judge him at all, we do feel beaten by his sudden death, we feel like a part of us died with him.
We feel blessed, so very blessed by knowing him. We have had the chance to Love him, he is in our souls and we will always keep on loving and cherish him. Some people come into your life like they have always been there. Timothy came into our life like that.
No being afraid in the dark anymore Tim, no staying up late till it’s light again. Now you are taken care off and surrounded by the protection of the Light.
My sweet, sweet Timothy, we will always love you….