As I sat down at my friends table I saw a newspaper. It is the most read newspaper I know and I was happy to read one, since I do not get a newspaper at home. At first there are the accidents, the recession news, the gossips and the dramas that are written down. Then the news about the campaign for the elections at the 9th of May. I read it and knew immediately why I do not want to choose to have a newspaper each day on my doormat. Too much bad news and too little good news. I am a personality who feels attracted to the possibilities in life, not the disasters. In a way of bringing the possibilities up AFTER you give people bad news.
Anyhow, I was reading the newspaper, enjoying a nice cup of my favorite tea as my eye was drawn to certain lines at the Woman’s page. It was about how a love relationship could survive the absence of one of the partners. For instance when a soldier is sent to Afghanistan, or when a person decides to go to work in another country and the partner does not want to or is not allowed to come with him or her. The most amazing thing is that the person who wrote this was not named. In my opinion that is odd. Almost half of a page and just a short note that this came from the redaction of the Woman’s page… I read the story, a guy is gone for a couple of months or even longer and the wife says: ‘I have my own life, my job, my friends. Sometimes I feel like a bachelor, because I also go to parties alone.’
The author continues to say that she does not care about it. She does not really miss him.
Another person says: ‘Well, I do not miss him because he was mostly gone anyway, even before this job. Only with the newborn here it’s a bit inconvenient…’
The author tells the readers that this is commonly accepted but informs us about the danger that a psychologist notices.
It all starts with the feeling that the woman gets. She starts to feel that she is the only person who is responsible for the kids, the house, the life she has with but actually without her man. According the psychologist, women ask themselves and later the husband: ‘What kind of a contact do we share here?’ And/or: ‘Can he still feel like a part of the family?’ The psychologist tells us that not seldom the partner falls in love abroad and that the women stay more loyal in the love relationship.
Now first of all I ask myself if it’s true that women stay more loyal than men. It could be, but in my office I hear a LOT of women who cheat on their partners. When I would put that on a scale of 0 till 10 I would give it an 8. Which leaves us to the statement of the psychologist that when one of the partners is gone for longer, the chance that the love relationship won’t last is huge. But is it true?
As I look at the relationship of Brian and I there is total trust, because we truly Love each other. We don’t have any hidden agendas, we are open and very honest towards each other and we WANT to hear each other and talk each day. I NEVER doubt him. Is this naïve? Or is this normal? To US it’s normal. The article continues saying that the woman SHOULD DEMAND that the partner e-mails and calls.
‘Go to him on a regular base, SIT ON IT! Trust is great, but CONTROL IS BETTER!’
What do you feel reading this? Do you believe it is normal to demand, sit on it and do you believe that control is better than trust? What effect will this have on your relationship? Do you believe that control can work as a solution? And how about demanding? Will this have the effect you want in your love relationship?
I can only talk for me, but I do not choose to demand Brian anything, I do not believe in “sitting on it” in order to control. Control is an illusion that doesn’t fit me. I do not believe that I will feel good, practicing one of these things. I do not believe that Brian will feel more loved, comfortable or even longing to be with me when I demand, sit on it or want to control him. What for? What will I achieve?
I DO believe in self deciding partners, feeling free to choose whatever I or he wants to feel, do or not. To be the authentic me in my Love relationship with Brian. Not in a predictable way, but in a spontaneous way of being me! The real and only me! Which is the only thing that Brian wants me to be! No demanding but asking when I want something. No sitting on the situation, the circumstances (or Brian) in a negative way. No wanting to control the situation (I am no God) or believing that control will keep Brian with me. Brian is the only person who can decide what Brian wants. As I can only decide what I want. And you know what? It feels SO GOOD! That we both WANT to be together. We do not tell the other person what to do or how to act. We accept each other the way we are and whenever we want something we COMMUNICATE in a fearless way. We feel the love we share as a true gift, we are US always. That is a self chosen freedom in a loving partnership. To last because we LOVE to be together. We CHOOSE it, we never DEMAND!
So, to the psychologist I would like to say that I hope he or she will have a very loving relationship with his or her partner. For what I am reading in the newspaper today I have my doubts. However when this “makes” him or her feel great, that is great for me too. It’s only NOT the way I want to live in a Love relationship. How about you?