With the death of our beloved ones, we never know how we will respond to that. When a person is very old, we use to find more peace in the passing away of that person. But when a young beloved one dies, we feel a different kind of grief.
I have lost many people in my life, people I truly loved. Not only by death. The process of mourning starts as soon as we know and feel the person we used to Love is not there for us anymore.
There are many different ways to react when we lose a beloved one. Some people shout, become angry, throw with furniture…Others become very silent and want to be left alone. And of course there are people who have a little bit of it all. The ways we respond to a loss can be experienced in so many ways. Mourn knows several stades, every person will do it in their own way. It is up to us to respect the way people choose to mourn.
There is a saying in Holland that when you lose a beloved person as a partner, it’s normal to grieve for two years. After this you are “allowed” to be in another relationship with a lover. The Others make the rules and when you do not hold on to their beliefs, you did not really Love your partner as deep as The Others thought.
I do not believe I have to spell out here what my beliefs are in this. But for the people who read our blog for the first time, I want to explain what I think about this.
First of all, I believe I and ONLY I can create my own beliefs. I live my life the way I believe is the right way for ME…This can be totally wrong in the eyes of The Others, so be it. What The Others think about me is their belief and does not tell anything about the way I think, belief or act. The only one who can be responsible for my life is ME…
Back to the so called two year mourn time, do you really believe it is the best thing to mourn for at least two years before you can even THINK about another Love relationship? How important is it to you what The Others think?
Do you fear their judgment? How important is that judgment to you? How important are The Others to you?
When I look at the date October 16th 2010, my thoughts immediately go back to Friday April 16th2010…the day Timothy died…I can still hear the deep scream of my daughter Elise on the background as her roommate Rochelle told me on the phone that Timothy, my daughter’s boyfriend, had taken his own life that morning.
I had seen him the day before and though he looked pale and was more silent than normal, I never expected this to happen.
Elise went to the hospital, where Timothy was taken to. The same hospital he picked me up from, the day before. I was in the hospital because I suffered from a pneumonia, after over 10 days in the hospital, Tim was there to drive me home. It seemed to be something unreal, our Tim was dead… It was an unbelievable shock to us all.
The way we respond to the death of Timothy is personal and diverse because of that. When we would truly believe death is death, it might even be more difficult to accept the loss of Timothy. But as we, my family and I, believe in a life after death we find comfort in that belief. We mourn in our own way. We still feel connected with Tim. We still hear him and see him in our thoughts, memories and in our souls. That untaken Love remains forever.
As I see how my daughter creates a corner in her room for Tim, that’s her way of going through her process of mourn. She will always be connected to Tim. When he chose his point of no return, he lost his body, not his soul. His soul energy we can still feel, when we choose to do so. I respect the way Elise goes through her process. She is authentic in it and does no fear how The Others think about it. Therefore she is able to do it her way. How long that process will take cannot be answered, not even by herself. She will experience that time can be a friend in this. Still, whatever happens to her and her proces is something only Elise can decide. There are times that grief can take over, so it will be. It all has a function and by permitting yourself to FEEL instead of only THINK about it, the process will run it’s own time. When it might feel good for people to do it differently, that will be something to decide for them. Grief and mourn are personal experiences. This brings me to the next questions:
Does the death of a partner means we are not allowed to Love again within two years?
Does the death of a partner means we are not allowed by The Others to Love again?
Does the death of a partner mean we cannot Love again because that would be wrong? Because it would imply we did not truly Love our partner who passed away?
Just ask yourself these questions…….what are your beliefs in this? And what is taken over by what The Others taught us?
What do WE believe? Really believe?
Can we answer this question and reach for our own truth in this? Or don’t we allow ourselves because we hold on to the beliefs of judgment in this?
My thoughts today are with all people who have lost a beloved one…My thoughts will be with you all, asking for Light, Love and non judgmental beliefs.
My thoughts will be with you and with those who feel guilt towards their beloved ones. To those people who feel guilt, ask yourself the next question:
Did and do you truly Love the person who passed away?
Did the other person know you Loved him/ her in this way?
When you find it hard to answer the last question, do you FEEL your beloved person FELT you Loved him/her?
Please realize that guilt is a judgment…that guilt can take away all the good and Loving thoughts there have been between you and your beloved person who passed away…Guilt is a creation that can appear with a feeling we SHOULD have done something in a different way than we did. Does this mean we have to JUDGE ourselves and PUNISH ourselves during our lifetime? Why?
Do we really believe we COULD have saved another person?Do we really believe that we could have said different things and because of this things would have been better? Would it have given us satisfaction instead of guilt? Do we really believe that our behaviour towards the person who passed away was bad? And that by behaving ourselves in a different way we might have been able to change the outcome? How can you be sure of that?
Doing guilt means we convict ourselves to shame, anger, feeling bad, feeling sorrow and all kind of other negative things. Does that help? Is that the inheritance we hold on to? Why?
Why choose for negative and self judgmental beliefs when we can choose for Loving memories?
We cannot change our past, but we can change the way we respond to our past. We can take out all the insights it will give us. But we can only do that and live a Loving happy life when we are ready and willing to ACCEPT our past. And feel happy with the new insights, insights that may help us to live our lives in an even better way. Feeling grateful instead of judgmental…..Every person can make his or her own choices. I so want you to be able to make the choices that will provide you with happiness. To all of you who have lost a beloved person I would like to say;
Enjoy life, embrace life, do not judge yourself. Be happy you are given the gift of being alive and take care of yourself and The Others in a true and authentic Loving way.
Even when your beliefs tell you that to enjoy life is not right because you feel you SHOULD not enjoy things while your beloved one cannot do that anymore. Then think of what he or she would have wanted for you…to live a life with guilt, mourn and negative thoughts, or to live your life with happiness and joy…
Today my very special thoughts will be with Timothy,with my daughter Elise, with Tim’s family and his many, many friends. We so Love you Tim…