This week I talked to a client in my office in Holland. The woman asked me the next question:
‘How do I know when I meet the right person and how can I be sure I am not projecting my wants on the first guy I meet?’
Well, the answer is as simple as can be. When you KNOW you have been doing things in a different way and it did not work out, it might help to be just you….This woman always believed she had to GIVE and GIVE and GIVE and was surprised when the dude did not respond much to her. The reason why is obvious. Most men don’t run that much anymore when EVERYTHING they can possibly think of is already done by their partner….they have got the lady in their pocket so to speak and the hunter is at ease. He has his woman in his cave and wants more action before he gets bored. The hunting season begins…This season will start at an individual time. When the woman finds out her man has been fooling around with another chick, she can be devastatingly unhappy, feeling rejected and in total despair because she has given him EVERYTHING….and what does she gain? It’s all about stimulus, belief, response…..
Back to the question of my client, I can only say that when you believe you really Love a guy, ask yourself questions like:
How well do I know him?
Is this a realistic view or do I just project what I WANT to see in him? Is he really like that or do I only WANT to see things he does not have or do?
One of the big resons why women feel disappointed is because their expectations seem real and normal, but in fact they want the dude they date to be the prince on the white horse. Still, knights will have sweaty feet too, probably don’t not throw their dirty underwear in the laundry basket and more than often don’t tighten the lit on the jar with peanut butter as well…
How to preventthings? When you start with a WANTSLIST you will be able to understand what it is you really want in your Love relationship. This will help you to meet the guy who will fit you on all levels. How will you be able to find Mister Right when you don’t know what it is you are looking for? A wantslist will help you to recognize what it is you want when you see a guy you feel attracted to. Always be YOU…the real inner you. Never act like you are another, or even better person. You are you and that is what you really are, nothing more and nothing less. When a guy does not accept you the way you are, when communication sucks from the start and the guy wants to tell you what he expects from you, get the hack out of there… A Love relationship is there to GIVE you something and increase the Love you feel. A Love relationship that costs tons of energy and is unstable sucks…My client listened and then told me her hubby was beating her up, drank too much and even tried to rape her neighbor who was babysitting in their house. She showed me the bruises and the scars on her belly. At these moments I get silent…I understand the feelings of my client, she feels dependant from him and he knows this. He manipulates her and uses his power to indoctrinate her. My client told me he tells her she is ugly, not sexy enough, that it is her fault he jumped the bones of their neighbor. She buys it because her self esteem has gone down extremely, she believes him. The consults she is taking with me will do her good. She is opening up to her real self and starts to see what is happening. The only way to change her life and to create Happiness is to face reality and then decide what she wants with that. I cannot tell her what to do. It’s all her decision. We all decide what we want in our lives and what we want to do, sometimes with a little help.
By being you, your partner to be will never see a different person after 3 or 6 months. Being you is being at ease the way you feel comfortable with. Does this mean you can always sit in your old jogging suit or be a couch surfer with no interest in your guy? Of course not! Nothing is totally black or white, Love relationships aren’t either. Projecting your wants on the man of your dreams will be just that. The man was dreamed and not real…and you will know this after a few weeks as the first cracks will start to show.
As I was in Love relationships, the first weeks were GREAT! Then the guy started to feel more at ease, knowing he could enjoy the result of the hunt…putting his dirty feet on my table, taking over the remote control and ordering a beer….No thank you! That one did not last long….just not my wantslist at all. I will enclose my wantslist here: Wants list Mary
When you can’t decide yet what to do; continue or quit, you will take time as a friend in this. After about 2 to 3 months the real character starts to show. That is when you date a not really authentic dude. The character I did not recognize at all when this all happened to me. In the beginning this man was totally different! Had I been projecting? Sure! Had I been blind? Of course! I did not WANT to see the dude the way he really was, so I ignored the voice within who tried to make clear to me to start running…from him because this was the wrong guy. After 6 months life was no fun anymore, arguing had become a habit and I felt unhappy, not knowing exactly what to think of this all and still giving it another chance…It took me a long time before I could stand up for myself. Nowadays I do not hold the same belief anymore. I do not do guilt feelings anymore and am very direct to my partner. I feel much more confident and do not do any Love relationship that does not fit me from the first moment. I want to be me and I want my Lover to be him too. When my ex was not able to do that, it was done for me. No more talking trying to fix things, no more nightly conversations trying to understand each other. No way dude! In my eyes a good Love relationship is one that GIVES energy, not ABSORBE all the energy…
With Brian everything is the way I wanted it to be. We talk, negotiate and LOVE to be with each other, always! We give each other the space we both want too, we do things together and alone, we appreciate each other’s characters and our Love relationship is effortless. Being with Brian is being the true ME…Having Brian in my life means that the search is over, we are a team, we fit each other in the deepest connected way you could ever dream of. The most incredible thing is that what Brian and I share; the way we absolutely and totally Love each other is real, it’s no dream, it’s our reality. We create Happiness in an enormous, motivating way. Energizing, giving, accepting, and all of that being our real selves all the time. No judgments, only accepting and negotiating, feeling balanced and deeply Happy…So it IS possible!
However, the nasty thing was that as I got back in The Netherlands, I felt lost and really homesick for Brian and our life in America. Not able to sleep and totally out of my normal behavior, I felt like a victim of the situation. I chose to feel sad. After three days I told myself I wanted to be in the here and now instead of in America. As I did. But being in the here and now, I also know Brian is 8 hours away from me, and 7.000 miles, I sleep alone, I get no hugs, no cuddling, and no snuggling. I wondered if he would eat well, then I told myself Brian is an adult and capable of taking care of Brian. We “NEED”each other, but we CAN be without each other. We don’t LIKE it, but we are able to survive and overcome this because we deeply LOVE each other.
The way Brian and I are together is wonderful, at the same time we feel awful when we are apart. The moment I walked to the customs and was not able to hold him, be with him anymore in the way we normally live together, my entire body felt like I was in severe pain. I looked at Brian through the glass and I saw he cried. I did too. We silently looked each other in the eyes and then I turned around, on my way back to Holland, 7000 miles away from the man I Love intensely. Still we choose to create HAPPINESS instead of SADNESS. We both feel so grateful we Love each other in this life and we feel truly blessed. Does this mean we never have any issues? Yes!
Issues are never there, because we talk about anything, we negotiate and we even don’t sense any irritations at all. We are relaxed ourselves all the time…Before something can become an issue we already talked about it. Always. And because we feel safe with each other we don’t have to hide things and we can choose to SHARE. Share without judgments… Talk without blaming, with acceptance of who we are and what we want. Through negotiating we are perfectly able to find a balance which is great!
I would like to leave a question here for you who read this blog:
Do you recognize the way you can communicate and live together?
Do you keep your silence and then create issues?
Do you judge your partner often?
Do you communicate without blaming and defending?
Do you negotiate with your partner?
Do you talk from a place of Love?
Do you listen from a place of Love or do you already prepare your answer being busy to prove your being right?
Please let us know how you communicate, with a partner or a friend. And ask questions here so we can help each other in the process which is called Life!