Dreams leading to the truth you desire “I have a dream!”….sounds familiar? How many of you have followed their dream(s)? And how many still dream? How many of you have reached out for their dream and accomplished their goals? How many of you believe a dream is just a dream and that’s it? I am sitting in the hospital, waiting for my oldest daughter Elise to get back from surgery. One year ago she fell and broke her ankle. Her boyfriend Timothy was with her as she went in for surgery then and took care of her in such a Loving way. When I came in the hospital he nursed her and it was like these two people had been together for ages. So effortless and so fluently. Now, a year later, Timothy has passed away and Elise did not want to have surgery in the same hospital because of all the memories there. Tim was brought in there after his death too. Now we are in a different hospital and she is lying at the same side of the room at the window. Only the hospital is different and still feels the same, maybe it’s because all hospitals look alike. Memories keep on coming back with me as I am sitting here waiting for her to come back. Tim has never been out of our thoughts, not even a minute. A person who was so Loving, so caring and such a wonderful personality, it’s almost impossible to take in he really won’t step in here. It’s like we are back in time and his beautiful smile will lighten up the room while he is dancing his way in. Tim had a dream, several dreams to be precise. He wanted to have a life with Elise, they were working on his new website and Elise invented a new stage name for him: The Bodhi. Working together, making music, having fun. They also could lie down on the couch with their arms around each other, without even saying anything, just being Happy and very content in the moment. Tim had never experienced a Love like this and neither had Elise. They knew each other by soul and shared their feelings, felt totally one. Still, Tim had another dream; he wanted to be free, really free. He could feel a prisoner in his own body, wanted to be a free spirit and fly again. With flying he expressed his want to feel weightless and one with the Universe. He used to dream about that as a child; he could fly! Does that mean we knew he would end his life? No. Did he talk about ending his life? No. We had conversations with friends at the house every now and then, conversations they started. Questions like why am I here are questions every person asks him/ herself every now and then. We are all on our way in the journey that is called Life. Tim decided to go back to The Light on April the 16th. Did Tim chase an impossible dream? Did he feel like he could really fly as he literary stepped out? No. Tim totally knew he was not able to fly. He told me he knew once he was able to fly. He told me he dreamed that and still did fly in his dreams every now and then. As many, many other people do. Did Tim take drugs before stepping out? No. Whatever made him decide was strong enough to do it. And even feeling how hard this is to accept, we do want to respect his decision. We can have our own thoughts about that, we can guess why he did it, even judge his act. But it is not ours, it was his decision. He decided to choose this. Many people have guessed and told lies about the circumstances, the why he stepped out of his life and even pointed fingers at others. It has all been said and done from a place of shock and the want to understand the Why…Tim meant so much to so many people. He was so talented, such a musical genius too. We thought in dreams for and with Tim. We all were enthusiastic and wanted him to succeed.We lived OUR dreams with Tim. Still Tim chose to follow HIS dream, HIS way. What did Tim’s death mean to us, what did it do with us? To me, it meant a lot. To Elise it meant a lot, still does each day. To his parents, family, friends it did a lot. But what do we take out of this all? Do we only mourn or judge or stay in that terrible moment we heard about it, to relive that each day over and over again? Or do we choose to look at Tim’s life in a really grateful and positive way, totally accepting his leaving? Do we point out fingers to people just to have a reason to believe this was not Tim doing this to Tim? To make it more easy to accept when we can blame his death on another person? Does it make one feel better doing that? And do these people ever consider what impact this can have to the proces of mourn of the persons they blame?
There has been a lot of questioning around Tim’s going back to The Light. Understand it, in order to accept it. Some of us have accepted his leaving, some have not. Tim is not with us anymore in a physical appearance. That is hard. Does Tim’s death means Tim is really gone? I can only speak for myself; to me Tim is not gone, he is in a place we will go after our life here on earth. I personally feel Tim’s presence around us. I know my daughter does too. I feel and know a lot of Tim’s friends still think of him. Tim has reached out for many people. He wanted to be a friend to all his friends. And he did. Their lives were changed by his return to The Light. So, without knowing that this would be the case, Tim’s death has moved many, many people. He reached out over death to comfort people. A lot of people he knew started to change their lives too after his leaving. They wanted to live the life they really longed for. They decided to follow their dreams instead of just thinking of that as an impossibility. Tim has always been a person with charisma. Still after his death, this continues. And all of these people are connected to each other in a way. Tim reached out for them, gave them his Love, his presence, his energy. Like a little flame that has the ability to grow stronger and flame to lighten up and warm The Others. That is the thought I want to keep alive. Tim has reached out for me as I have reached out for Tim. My beautiful, strong daughter Elise has reached out for Tim in the same deep Loving way he reached out for her, the very special way two people who are in Love with each other can feel. She still mourns about the loss of Timothy, she takes her time in this, a very wise decision. No one can tell her or his family or friends how much time this process will take. His parents, his family and all of his friends have their special bond with Tim. To cherish, to multiply, to share and to pay forward. To me Tim is not dead, Tim is alive. And will always be.
Back to the dream again. I had two dreams in which I saw Brian. I believed this was a dream that was real because it was a different kind of dream than normal. And Brian showed up. I dreamed about being a writer, always knew I would publish books and it happened. I knew when I was just a child I had come here to help people. I knew I would not stay in Holland. So it happened, I have helped people for as long as I can remember and still am doing that. The dream I had is coming true now too. I wanted to have a soul connected Love relationship with my man. I wanted to have the ultimate trustful, inspiring, creative, accepting and fearless Love relationship I always imagined to be possible. In Brian I found my dream. I know that I decided to wait for him. I did not want to have a less than that Love relationship anymore. I have had one Love relationship in my life that could have worked and had the possibility to become what I truly wanted. But though my Love for P was endless and unconditionally, I also felt and knew that a life with P was not the true path of my destination. For many years I felt that loss in a terrible way. Doubting my decision in despair in letting go of the relationship with P. I had the feeling I was torn apart, could not believe it truly happened! The moment I realized I lost the man I had loved most in my entire life I felt terrible…it lasted for years…I did not understand why I felt so strongly that P was not my partner on my path of life, for I Loved him more than anyone before. I did not only loose my Love, I lost his four kids too whom I deeply Loved and felt so connected with. But Love has a way of its own to rule the lives of people, I had made and expressed my decision and it was done. I had to accept that there was no way back anymore. After so many years I still felt the pain as I saw them and decided to stay away from the course of my pain for a while. And see how Love takes over! The children of P still felt connected to me and express their Love for me! I feel deeply grateful for that. Though my Love relationship with P has ended years ago, I still Love him. He knows that, so do the children. The way I Love him has changed.
I understand and know I made the right decision by following my inner voice, even as I did not understand it then. How weird is it to end the Love relationship of your life just because this deep inner feeling is telling you this is not the meaning of your life! It happened to me and it has leaded me to Brian and America. I feel and understand and know this is my right path of life, of my destination. I sense a deep feeling of inner peace and motivation, I feel one with Brian and I know this Love is totally balanced. Does this mean we will live happily ever after? Of course! Life is what we make it! What you expect is what you create. I want to and I decide to create a fearless life with a strong and soul connected Love relationship with my beloved Brian.
My brothers do not understand me in this. In my opinion, it is their own fear that keeps the Trust I feel in my life, far away from them. They even judge me in a strong way. It does not effect my happiness. Not anymore. I feel strong, motivated, balanced and free of fear. I feel determined and know I will be taken care off. Both Brian and I both feel connected to The Light.
I know Brian. we lhave known each other before and lived in Tuscany, Italy together. I know I held his hand in a different life when he died as a soldier, I nursed the wounded ones there. We recognized each other in this life again. Never thought I would go to America! It is there I will enfold the second part of my destination. I feel more happy than ever! We are connected in a way people do not sense or understand. So be it. I feel no judgment in that. I want to live my life in my way, I want to fulfill my destiny of life the way I chose it before I started my journey here on earth. I feel ready to reach out for my personal goals to achieve and I will. People who believe I am insane or “fracking” out of my jolly mind; its okay! I am totally fine with that.
Do you follow your inner voice and do you follow your dream? And when you answer this with a No, ask yourself the next question: Why not?………..