Honesty is the most valuable and most precious part of a relationship. Without honesty no relationship will hold. Trust can only be given when honesty is guaranteed.
But what if a partner, a friend or even a colleague will withhold the truth from you? Do you respond to this with an emotion such as anger when you find out? Or do you choose not to judge and decide to talk it over? Do you know WHY this person does not tell you the truth? Is it to hide what he or she has been doing? Is it to protect you from feeling hurt? Is it out of fear of losing your Love as a partner, your Love as a friend or your Love as a colleague? Is it because they believe you will not be able to respect them anymore? Is it because they believe a lie is better than the truth because they feel ashamed? Because they feel like a looser, and will fail in getting respect when they tell you? (for more on reasons for this, see http://www.option.org/programs:radical-authenticity,13 )
Every single one of us has experienced “the forbidden cookie syndrome”…. You have taken a forbidden cookie and lie when you are caught. Even when your fingers are still on the cookie jar.This lie is yours and it belongs to a hidden world only you are allowed to enter. The other person that tries to get in will be shut out by telling even more lies. Why?
The motivation that lies behind lies is different to each person that uses a lie or lies. But they have one thing in common. People who lie are people who are afraid to lose.
They judge themselves for the lie. Even when they do not feel a want to admit that. They are afraid of BEING judged….Why would you be afraid of this when another person truly Loves you? And wants to find the keys in it WITH you? Some people believe they HAVE TO do that on their own, they tell the person or persons who Love them to leave them alone or they even HIDE from them. Could it be the liar wants to protect a world that is only his or hers? A world they WANT to keep apart from The Others because that is their safety spot? Then I have another question: Is it a safety spot? And how do you know that for sure? Are we taught we better create our own safety spot because we WILL be JUDGED?
Somehow people who are telling lies believe the lie will be better than the truth. Why?
There is a truth about a lie. A lie will always come out being what it is; a lie. The lie never travels as fast as the truth. And then what happens? Trust is a result of honesty. It can even be the other way around. But these two are always connected and influence each other.
So what benefit can it have to tell a lie?
Why would people hide and try to create another world within their real world? To hide who they really are? Because of a low self esteem? Or because they are creating a self fulfilling prophecy that will turn out to be self destructive so they can prove to themselves they are not worthy enough? So they can confirm to themselves the Love they receive was not meant to be after all? So they can accept it with apathy and do not have to “fight” for their Love?
There are big and small lies. We all tell small lies because we do not want to hurt the person we are with at that particular moment. But does it really serve them?
I wonder what would happen when people would be authentic all the time. Would we create a world of confrontation? Probably, yes…
But would it be worse?
As we are used to tell lies, we would most certainly have to get used when persons would always be honest.
‘How do you think I look in this dress?’ would mean you could get an honest answer like: ‘Terrible! You look like a yellow bird in a package of feathers that is too small!’ Of course we could make it less worse by telling the color is not that great too. There will be a variety of possibillities we can choose from in how we choose and decide to bring the breaking news. Honesty can travel with hurt when you are not used to that. We can grow up with the knowledge that a lie will be better than the truth. We can be taught that we better protect a person’s feelings with a lie instead of really hurting them.
But the most untold fact is that we CAN NEVER HURT a person! A person who is told the truth always creates an emotion to that him/herself! We are not that powerful to be able to GIVE another person a feeling of hurt. We can be the STIMULUS to that response but the person who feels hurt creates that him/herself! This does not mean we can just tell whatever we think off because we would not be responsible for what we do or say. We are always responsible for what we say or do ourselves.
Back to the relationships. In all relationships but specially in a Love relationship Honesty and Trust form the fundament of the house partners build together. When honesty fails, a brick will fall out. When there are more lies, the house will be less stable. It can even fall apart. You can replace the bricks but they will have a different color. Whenever a partner in a Love relationship has told a lie “the forbidden cookie syndrom” will almost immediately be activated. It can also be that the person feels the truth is too strong to denie and he or she will admit the lie. It can be they feel the WANT to tell the truth knowing this will replace a brick in their house that will have almost the same color as the brick that fell out and broke by telling the lie.
The truth is that lies are not really serving us at all. We may think they do but that is a lie……..
How many times per day do we tell lies? Small lies? Big lies? Because we feel obliged to NOT tell the truth? Because we start THINKING FOR THE OTHERS? And look through the eyes of The Others at ourselves and our lies? To JUDGE ourselves for it? And feed Fear?
I believe in Honesty. I believe in Truth. No matter what that may cause. I will be responsible for whatever I create as a response to the stimulus. Not the person who tells the lie or the lies.
Not even when he or she intends to protect me! I can think and decide how to feel about the truth myself. The same thing for a lie. What liars tell may be justified or true in their own belief. They may even start to belief their lie IS the truth. They have a reason to lie and decide the lie is better than the truth. Meaning they decide FOR us. They were taught that it is better to tell lies. They HIDE themselves and want to look BETTER in the eyes of the person they choose to lie to. Why?
Lies are not always protected by time, nor by beliefs they will never face truth. Lies always travel with the shadow of discovery. The outcome of a lie can carry a destructive force that was not expected by the liar. Only time and Honesty can restore Trust when people decide to do it differently than before.
The inner voice is strongly connected to the Truth. The inner voice is telling you, even when it is hard to hear, there is a lie. It will detect it and bring it up to you, so you can decide what to do with it. You can decide NOT to hear it at a conscious level. Maybe you even believe that will serve you better. But as a lie never travels alone, the truth will open it up and show you what you already knew…
I want to leave the next question with you:
Why a lie?