I Googled “is there such a thing as effortless love?” and saw several responses there. However the one that I checked out was someone asking the question of other readers: “Shouldn’t true love be effortless?” Of the 8 responses to the question, exactly 8 said, in one way or another: “no”.
The “best” response, as chosen by the person who asked this question, was this:
“True Love, as with anything worth having in this world, takes a tremendous amount of effort, care and support. Regardless of whether it is a case of love at first sight, or of realizing an unspoken love after decades together, True Love does not come wrapped in a bow and presented to you as a gift. It is earned through years of knowing, loving and supporting someone who loves you just as much as you love them.
In my opinion, the reason for the extremely high divorce rates in this country is that many people have this notion that Love should be effortless and easy. People who are convinced that they don’t need to work hard to maintain a healthy and loving relationship are often the first to give up when things get a little rocky. Ask any couple that has been together for a long time and they will be the first to tell you that there were bumps in the road and that there love was anything but “effortless”.
While romantic notions of “Love at first Sight” and “Effortless Love” are nice to believe in, they rarely happen outside of the movies.” –from user Andy
(Link to full page: http://www.mahalo.com/answers/shouldnt-true-love-be-effortless )
Aren’t beliefs wonderful?! Look at how loaded with them this statement is: “True Love…takes a tremendous amount of effort”, “True Love does not come wrapped in a bow”, “It is earned through YEARS…”, “the reason for extremely high divorce rates is…people have this notion Love should be effortless and easy.” All beliefs and all, to me, are pretty much the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I believe about Love relationships.
Let’s take the last one first. The reason for high divorce rates. First off, I actually think that almost NO ONE believes that love should be “effortless and easy.” That’s because, just like Andy is trying to convince us, we are taught OVER and OVER by The Others that “Love takes work.” Pretty much all 8 responses to this question said exactly that! We hear it all the time in dating columns, relationship columns, from therapists. And because we tend to not be strong in our beliefs, we end up taking the word of these so-called “experts” and put it in our minds that, yes, love takes work—real love and long term relationships take work.
I believe the divorce rate is high for exactly the OPPOSITE reason. I believe it’s high because we DON’T believe effortless relationships are possible. Believing that “love takes work” leads to SETTLING, and settling is what leads to divorce. To me the three biggest reasons leading to divorce are: 1) settling for less than you want, which, somewhere down the road will lead you to decide you want more and you will leave to go find it, 2) you were not open with the other person or they weren’t open with you, so you ended up marrying someone you did not really know, and 3) (and the only reason that is probably not preventable, and I actually believe is a GOOD reason to part ways) that you grew and changed in different directions and now want to go find someone who fits with who you have become. While Numero Uno is the biggest reason, most of us who date normally do a combination of 1 and 2. Why? Because we believe what The Others and the “experts” tell us! Love takes work (translate as: “it’s okay to stay in a relationship that is not effortless”). Make a great first impression (translate as: “don’t show who you really are during dating, only show your “best” attributes”). Don’t talk about anything controversial on the first dates (translate as the same as the last one). What buying into these beliefs leads to is a relationship where neither person actually knows the person they are dating, and both are accepting that they can’t get everything they want in a relationship, like effortlessness. Once you start caving in on big things like that, others follow. “Well if I can’t get effortless and easy, I probably can’t get (fill in the blank) either.” If you’re in that place and you’ve been settling for less than you want, it’s time to start over and GET what you WANT. Start with these two early blogs to get on your way:
So this makes it pretty easy to avoid divorce, in most instances: DON’T SETTLE for less than you want and SHOW YOURSELF COMPLETELY, the “good”, the “bad” and the “ugly”, to the other person so they can make an informed decision if you are the one for them. For a TREMENDOUS workshop on how to date in this way and build Love relationships this way, I highly recommend this one: http://www.option.org/programs:neversettle-singles,22 .
The reason I wanted to chime in on this subject was that while Mary was here, I gave her a “Love Coupon” book, with all kinds of little loving things on each coupon that she could redeem with me to get, such as a massage, cuddle time, etc. Most of the coupons were wonderful little loving ones like those, but three of the coupons were these: “Sweet Forgiveness: entitles Bearer to one (1) instance of sweet forgiveness,” “End to Argument: entitles Bearer to one (1) instant cessation of argument,” and “Make-Up Session: entitles Bearer to one (1) make-up session following and/or prompting the settlement of an argument.” These are three coupons we will never use. Even when there have been times where we apologized to each other for something we felt we were wrong in, the other person is completely clear in reminding each other that there is no need for forgiveness, because we never judge what the other person has done in the first place. We don’t ever have arguments because we don’t BLAME the other person for our unhappiness, so there also will not be a need for a “make-up session”.
I can’t answer for Mary, but I’m pretty sure of what she would say, but for myself, this Love relationship IS TOTALLY EFFORTLESS! The things that are of effort to us are the things OUTSIDE our relationship. Her dealing with frivolous trials, my dealing with snow blowers that I can’t get to work, our both dealing with money issues, family members who do fear because they don’t know the depth and solidity of our relationship. INSIDE the relationship, it’s pretty much a COMPLETE JOY and TOTAL EASE all the time. The hardest part about it is having to be apart physically. And we both are counting the days until we can be together again!
So stop settling! Believe in effortlessness and joy and if that’s what you want in a relationship, keep searching until you find it!