The way Brian and I are doing our love relationship is different than I used to do before. The reason for this is the way I started to look at my former beliefs. I have always been the giver in relationships, in friendship relationships and in romantic relationships. I started to wonder why I was doing that. My mother seemed to be a big example here. I saw how she loved my dad and how she did EVERYTHING to please him. My dad loved my mum in a huge way; still I always felt that this was not the way I wanted to be doing a love relationship. On the age of seventeen I moved out of the parent house. Starting to do what I had learned; being the giver in relationships! And ended up always being the giver, just like my mum. Though I knew I did not want to live that way, I did! In my own way of course, but definitely doing the same. Taking care of the man I loved, wanting to MAKE him happy. Hoping that he would MAKE me happy. It didn’t happen….
What I have learned from the Option Institute programs (www.option.org) is that you cannot MAKE another person happy or the other person you. The only person that can “make” me feel happy is me….. The person I love can most certainly be loving towards me, but I DECIDE what I WANT to do with that. I and I alone am responsible for what I think, feel and do. I don’t control the other persons love, needs, thoughts. I only talk for me, what I feel, what I think and how I react. That was such a logical thought, that I overlooked it in myself. I was able to decide what I wanted to do….mmmmm……So I decide that I wanted to feel happy! No matter what would happen, I was the person to decide what I wanted to think, feel and how my reactions would be. Of course I feel emotions, gosh yes! But I can decide what to do with them! Do I choose to connect to my emotion or do I decide it to be of no value to me on that moment? For example, when a person I love, tells me that I am a bitch, do I respond to that with anger? Fear? Or being shy? No! I can decide that this is the opinion of this person and SMILE…knowing that this has NOTHING to do with me. It’s just the opinion of the other person! But what if I would believe that he or she was telling the truth? Then I could decide too what my reaction would be. Would it change anything? No! Why not? Because I always have the freedom of choosing my own belief! I can look at it, even understand it, but it is the thought and the opinion of the other person. I choose my own beliefs, which is the most relaxed way of living you can ever imagine….
The question is what I would do, when I think it’s a judgment that would normally hurt me, is easy to answer. A judgment is just something that belongs to the mind of…..the other person!!! So I finally freed myself of the old beliefs such as that I NEEDED to be a giver, without asking anything for myself. That I wasn’t a bad person when I would ask for certain things for myself. And that feeling guilty was something I created myself! What a relief!!! Now I am in this wonderful relationship with Brian, who is an excellent teacher for what’s about the Option way of living, I learn more and more how to explore myself. I can be resistant too you know, special when I believe that the person I love wants to control me. But that is a belief too. ..With old roots that pop up every now and then. I do not judge myself for feeling that. I embrace the opportunity it gives me to learn more about the way I react. And you know what? It makes me happier! Okay, sometimes it may take a few hours before I decide I want to admit it, but I enjoy the progress! Brian knows that and gives me the space I need. One of the things why I love him. Last night (2 nights ago now), as we did a dialogue, he started to give me instructions how to pose questions. I wanted to direct him with my questions, because I saw what was bothering him. (I am a therapist) Being an Option Process mentor to him, I confused my normal way of asking in my work. In the Option Process Dialogue, the mentor is always listening in a loving way, not directive, is totally present and knows the explorer is its own best expert. I got upset, because I felt controlled by Brian. Here I was, the giver (old belief popped up) and lovingly trying to help Brian with his issue and he started to tell me which question I could ask him to do the dialogue better! I did not understand why he was directing me. But it was the other way around. I was directing him…. I had to chew on that one before I responded again. But it learned me a lot! I feel grateful for the way we live our life together. To me it is a different way of looking at feelings, beliefs and reactions. But it is a way that leads me to the person I REALLY am, without any side paths as old beliefs I held on to. And that makes me unbelievable happy. Because now I am doing the love relationship I always wanted to have. A learning one to cherish my entire life…
(For more information on the Option Process Dialogue, there is a section about it towards the bottom of this page: www.option.org/the-option-institute/what-we-teach/37)