(Originally posted November 4, 2009)
When leaving is letting go of what YOU want, you are leaving only YOU….
Last week I met a friend I didn’t see for quite some time. It was a very strange thing that happened. My youngest daughter Fay had a job in a call center. She made an appointment for me to meet a representative of the company she worked for. He came to my office and we talked about businesslike issues. All of a sudden he looked at a picture of my son and said:
“I know that guy! That is Tobias!”….I nodded and looked at him in an asking way. “I used to work with him at ‘La Cubanita'”, which is a restaurant in Alkmaar my son worked at years ago.
“Really?” I asked surprised.
“It is a small world,” he replied.
“But then you know Eduardo too!” I answered him.
“Eduardo? But of course I know him! He had his own restaurant at that time, but nowadays he works at the fire squad (fire department).”
“Well, that is another talent of him! Gee, I haven’t spoken or seen him in at least two years; I really would love to talk to him again. Do you have his phone number?” I asked him. At that moment, my cell phone rang and I took the call.
“Hi! Its Eduardo!” I heard a familiar voice…..I felt completely stunned! This was WEIRD……….
We talked for a little while and then decided we wanted to see each other. The business guy who’s name is Jeffrey by the way, seemed to be a friend of both my son AND Eduardo. We had a TOTALLY different chat afterwards and I could help him with certain things he was thinking about in his life.
So, what do you think, reading this all? Think this is a coincidence? I don’t. I believe that the right persons are brought on your and my way at the right time and the right spot. Because we are all connected to the universe. When you open yourself more to the POSSIBILITY that this might be true, connect with it as an OPPORTUNITY, so you can experience it for yourself that the universe takes in all of your connected thoughts, desires and questions. THEN be prepared to meet the right people, or receive the answers you were looking for, or even the INSIGHTS that will give you EVERYTHING you were looking for.
Back to the meet with Eduardo, who actually is a friend of my son Toop (that’s how we call him most of the time). We were having lunch at this nice little place called “Mr. Cockers”, but then the Parisian one in Middenwaard, in my hometown Heerhugowaard in the Netherlands.
He told me that he got divorced after a long time and that it did cost him a lot of energy, a lot of sadness and that he felt as Eduardo in No-one land….A miserable situation he felt caught by and stuck in. He still lived with his former wife in the house that was for sale now. He still came home and asked his ex- wife how her day was, how she was doing and took care of her. I asked him why?
He gazed a little while and his face got an injured and extremely sad look. Then he almost whispered: “Because I failed”….
“Do you REALLY believe this?” I asked him.
“Yes I do, because as I married her, I knew this would be for a lifetime and now we are divorced. I failed, oh yes, I failed.”
“In what way did you fail Eduardo?” I asked him gently. He sighed.
“I failed in MAKING her happy,” he replied. I started to smile and took his hand for a short moment and rubbed it.
“Do you think that you are responsible for how and what she feels?” I asked him.
“Well, not really I think. But I felt it as something I NEEDED to do for her, since she felt so unhappy and I WANTED her to be happy”.
“So, if I get this right, and help me out here when I am not, you believe that only YOU can take care of her and make her happy?” He nodded his head.
“And? Did it help her?” I asked him again, as I looked at him in a loving way.
“No!” he answered and started to smile a teary smile.
“Do you know WHY you were not able to MAKE her happy?”
“Because the only one that can make her happy is she herself…” He looked at me in an astonished way. Now it was my turn to nod my head.
“Exactly!” I confirmed his words. “She is the only person who can empower herself. Can I ask you another question?”
“Sure!” Eduardo answered.
“Are you tired?”
“Oh God! Extremely tired….”
“Because I gave all of my energy to the marriage I was in and still do that now though we are divorced…”
“Is there a solution in this situation for you?” I asked him.
“Yes! I will do my own things and I will keep my energy to myself as much as possible!” he said.
“Great! And how are you going to do that?” This time Eduardo had to think about it.
“By trying to look for possibilities for her to live on her own, though her father is busy with that now too.”
“Yes! And how about you?”
“I will try to do more things for me…” his answer was.
“Trying things is waiting for disappointments,” I said. “Do you believe you can decide to DO that from now on instead of trying?” I asked him.
“YES! Definitely!” he answered and looked at me in a very happy and smiling way.
“Can you say that out loud?” He started to laugh.
“I believe I can,…..from now on I will think more of myself and do the things I want to do for ME,” he said.
“Great! And the things you want to do for yourself, are these the things that will give you energy, or cost energy?” He smiled his famous smile.
“That will GIVE me energy!” he said happily.
We talked a bit further before we left the lunchroom. Then Eduardo said that he enjoyed our lunch very much and that he felt empowered by me. I told him that this could not be. Because Eduardo empowered Eduardo just now! He told me that he had a lot to think about but in an empowering way. And that he no longer felt that he left himself by leaving his marriage. Because he got the insight that SHE was responsible for HER thoughts, that SHE and ONLY she could make HER happy. And that in each marriage or whatever kind of connection between people, you are NEVER responsible for the way the other feels. We are only able to love, give love, feel loved. The thing is that WE DECIDE what we do with love that is given to us. The person that loves us can do NOTHING at all, when WE decide to do NOTHING with that love. So you are ALWAYS responsible for how YOU FEEL, THINK and ACT… Who lives this way, will give him or her a fabulous opportunity to live and love in EXACTLY the way they WANT to. How is this with you?
Are you a giver and constantly feel tired? Are you a taker and always expecting others to MAKE you happy? Or are you a person that wants to live and love in a more balanced way with lots of things in life you REALLY want? How many times do we “leave” ourselves to please others? And does that help in creating an authentic and loving relationship? Please tell us what your experiences are in this….feel free to leave a comment whenever you want to. In this way we can reach out for one another in an even more giving and caring way. Learning from what the other person already was given. Sharing this with many others in order to create MORE Happiness! ……….
When YOU want more people to SHARE, please send the blog address (https://findreallove.wordpress.com/ ) to as many other people you know, so TOGETHER we can learn and give everything we know to each other.
By SHARING we are reaching out all WE have learned, to pass it forward…What an AMAZING and CONSTRUCTIVE thought…..
Comment #1 from “mom”
I agree that no one can make us feel anything. But don’t you feel that certain comments set the stage for our feelings. We choose to feel the way we do about the comment. If we know a negative comment is not true then it rolls of like water hitting oil. I do believe that. If the other person feels a negative thought and i don’t buy it, it cannot hurt me.
I feel that I must give myself time to not react. Anger is one feeling that first comes from this kind of situation. Time heals, is a saying that holds water for me. If I stand back and take a look I see that it is the others person’s belief about me and if it has some validity, I must look at it and agree or not. I may need to discuss it with them and ask them why they feel that way and then maybe take a second look and and and. Hope this make some sense.
Comment #2: reply from Brian
Hi “mom”, and thanks very much for your thoughts! Your first paragraph doesn’t seem to agree with your second! In the first you say “we choose how we feel” about someone else’s comment. But then in the second paragraph you say “I must give myself time to not react.”
But your reaction IS your feeling! Determined BY YOU and only you! The fact that it happens quickly makes it no less yours! It is coming straight from beliefs that you hold. And just as you have trained yourself to react quickly with anger (or discomfort, etc.), you can also train yourself to react just as quickly with comfort or excitement, no matter what comment someone makes! How is this possible? Because your reaction comes from your beliefs. Change your belief and you change your reaction.
I can’t tell you what the belief is that engages for you, but if anger or fear (like a quick twist in your stomach) is your reaction, I can guess the belief falls under the category of “what this person said says something about me–and it’s a BAD something!” When in reality, what the other person says is completely about them. It stems from THEIR beliefs, chosen from THEIR life experience and actually says nothing at all about you, simply what THEY choose to believe about you. Once you truly believe that, no matter what is said to you will be greeted with comfort and curiosity!
Here’s a perfect example from my own life. I’ve already talked about my fears surrounding asking women out in the pre-Option Institute days. Well after changing my beliefs and living that way for a while, I was at a Guy Fawkes Day party and met a really NEAT young woman. We chatted a couple of times throughout the night and she was smart, attractive, outgoing, fun, lots of things on my wants list. So near the end of the night I asked for her phone number. Her response was immediate and LOUD and happened right in front of a group of high school and college aged guys–I couldn’t have picked a better scenario for complete embarrasment: “OH NO, uh uh, NO WAY, I am NOT going there, nope, no way, I am NOT going down that road!” And in the face of all of this, do you know what my IMMEDIATE reaction inside was?
“Wow! I wonder what HER issue is that she is rejecting me in such a big way?” And I didn’t have to take TIME to think it through and wonder what her belief was, etc, etc, that was my “instant” reaction. And it came from KNOWING that whatever her reaction was said everything about her. So I believe that time is not needed in learning how to react with calm, all that’s needed is creating a different set of beliefs about yourself–namely that what someone else says to you or about you has nothing to do with you!