A couple of weeks ago I had dinner with my youngest brother Frank. We don’t see each other often and that bothered me. SoI asked him out for dinner at the restaurant where my son Tobias worked. He just Loved the idea and we agreed to meet at my place. During the weeks before we would meet, I wondered why we did not see or speak to each other very much. May be it was because I felt different and did not create a connection to my youngest brother that much, since he seemed to act pretty “normal” compared to me, the different one in the family. At least, this is how I experienced it.
Thinking and more FEELING this over, I realized I had been “hiding” something from myself since my childhood. I did not feel accepted as a child, I felt different and I felt like I was misunderstood and unseen. I was the girl with the huge fantasy, I had to show my thumb to my mother in the presence of The Others and answer her question: ‘See where all this talking about “things” is coming from?’…. (In Holland people say you suck on your thumb and your fantasy will be stimulated…weird saying) I had been hiding a very important part of me, the intuitive side…I had to act “normal”…
I asked my brother what he remembered from our youth. He looked at me and told me he actually did not have much memories at all. The thing he did remember was that he was given a red scooter, he still has it…Then he told me he chose not to think in terms of past, he chose to live in the NOW and memories are not important to him. Could this be the reason he does not keep memories? Or does he hide things that were unpleasant, things he cannot remember? When you do not connect to those feelings anymore, are they gone? Or just hidden? In that case you won’t feel emotions which are unpleasant too. Only my brother can answer this and he does not have memories of his childhood. Strangely enough I do not remember much either. So it could be very well possible we are both choosing a selective memory in this…
Before we went out for dinner my brother picked me up at my home. I felt so happy as I saw him standing in the door after a long time! He spread his arms and hugged me very lovingly and told me he really felt very happy to see me. I felt tears coming up and hugged him back in a very connected and grateful way. We talked a bit and then headed out for the restaurant. As the evening continued the feeling of gratitude and happiness lengthened itself. My brother opened up to me in a way which was different than before. I always wanted to have a good relationship with my brothers. This evening I really felt I had a brother, one who Loved me as I Loved him.
The days after this evening I thought back of my childhood and then, very unexpectedly felt a sharp pain. Why? And why would I feel this in the here and Now? As a child I was different, I “saw” and “knew” things. My parents did not know how to guide this and told me not to talk about it, afraid of what The Others would think or worse; say about this. I had to act “normal”. So I started to hide what I saw and knew. I felt like a strange kid who was not who my parents wanted me to be. I started to hide a part of me and felt intense lonely for as long as I can remember. All the things, all of the emotions and pain I “saw” with people…not knowing who to share this with. At school (in class) I knew who got beaten up, I saw children whose parents had unhappy marriages. I could even hear the shouting and the fights… I knew who felt miserable, I knew the way teachers felt etc. etc. And I foresaw things, which in those days was something just “not done”…so I kept my silence and felt terrible when things happened the way I had already seen. I felt like I had seen a movie that was not yet released. And started to fee guilty in a way too. Because i knew things were going to happen and did not say a word…I did not only see things with people, but animals too. For instance I knew which animals were sick. I started to pet them and bring good healing energy into them. Their little eyes closed, they absorbed it patiently and it seemed to work. I brought little birds home who fell out of their nests and together with my dad tried to comfort and take good care of them. My dad was feeding the little ones with so much tenderness in our shed. I healed animals that were in pain by “giving” them the energy they needed and as I did I felt completely “one” with them. This all was totally normal to me, but in the eyes of The Others I was a wacko. So I decided not to talk about it anymore.
My oldest brother and I did not get along well when we lived as a family. My mother felt deeply sad about this and I tried to make things better for her by acting “normal” in the way she wanted me to be. I really tried to be the daughter she wanted me to be and to get along with my oldest brother, but it was not possible. I felt afraid of him as he threatened me daily and wanted me to be gone and out of the house. (this has changed when we were adults and he helped me a lot) I felt responsible for many things such as the atmosphere in the house, the way we communicated, the way we lived. I often felt like I was the “mother” and had to comfort and keep the family together. I do not believe I have been a “child” in the way most children are a child. I always felt like I had landed as a wise and old soul in the body of a kid. I remember I knew exactly why I was born, what my destination was in life here. But I could not talk about it. At night I often looked at the stars and had only one desire; to be an adult and start doing where I was here for. Pretty weird thought for a kid at the age of 6.
The night I had dinner with my brother I felt connected to him, which felt so good. I still feel that. Later as I was thinking back of my past, I felt a strong emotion coming up. And I cried, for the first time I cried because of the pain I felt. The pain I had been hiding from myself, the pain of the hidden child, a child who did not allow herself to speak nor act the way she was, the child who felt misunderstood. I felt the intense loneliness and the sharp pain again caused by the lack of understanding. It was the first time after all of these years I looked behind the wall where I found this child still hiding there….It felt good to be able to look over that self created wall. It felt like a huge relief to finally have the spirit and the want to look at the pain that was still there. I faced it and I cried it out. And found another balance in me at last…
I do not judge my parents for this at all. They simply did not know what parents might know nowadays. High Sensitive Persons… HSP… they never heard about it then. Old souls, connected to the Light/ the Universe.
My parents Loved me, took good care of me and still at the same time they left me. They called me a liar because I told them things I could not possibly know. They wanted me to be “normal” and I stopped being who I was because I did not want to disappoint my parents. I decided it was best for my family to do what my parents wanted me to do. So I shut down that part of me. I did not want to feel or see or know things anymore, but I did not seem to be able to stop that. What I did was stop talking and sharing it. I always had the strange idea I did not belong in this family, I was a lonely and social child. Until I came into puberty. I decided to be who I was and there have been lots of confrontations with my parents. It did hurt them as I stood up against them.They did not recognize the child who had been so different in the adult I was growing in to. I felt sad because of it but also knew I had to free myself from the not authentic me. It still is a period my Mom refuses to speak about.
Being with my brother again, everything popped up from that hidden archive. We talked and I felt so good, it felt as if my brother finally could connect to me in a totally open way. I still feel deeply grateful for that. That night I was given the tools to heal myself, I was given the tools of Love and acceptance of my past. My brother handed me over this tools by Loving and accepting me and to hand over what I had missed: the feeling of being Loved for who I am. I already Loved myself the way I am, Brian Loves me the way I am, my children Love me the way I am and my friends do too. Somehow this meet with my youngest brother Frank was there at the right time and place. Which confirms my knowing we are all taken care of. Everything in it’s own time and place. But there were more miracles to come… My Mom, who never told me she Loved me, told me she did Love me hugely as I was with her in her house last time I saw her there. My courageous mother, who grabbed herself together after my Dad passed away. Who did not sit down in unhappiness but created another life; the life after the death of her husband. Their Love maintaned for 60 years. And even after death, their Love continues.
That day, my mother finally decided to express herself and the way she connects to me. In the sight of seeing her only daughter leave for America, she hugged me in a way I always longed for and told me she deeply LOVED ME…WOW…Two gifts in a row….and even without me being busy with this all the time, it felt like a warm blanket of Love that was spread around my shoulders. It healed everything I had gone through and even leaded to these beautiful moments in which everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be.The pain, the sadness, the tears, everything disappeared in a simple well meant energizing hug and the words I LOVE YOU…
So, to all of our readers who might feel despair and do not believe in a happy ending, read this story and follow your inner voice when it is telling you it’s time for action. As I called up my brother and invited him to have dinner with me. And remember the next guiding “rules”…:
I do not want to judge
I want to be totally open
I choose to be the authentic me
Experience what life can give you. By not judging you WILL be open and by being open and not judgmental you WILL be the true, authentic you…
Never despair, always believe in opportunities and most of all, never stop being who you TRULY are…it will bring you the ultimate Happiness and the most complete insights you always dreamed of.