As most of our readers know Brian and I lived a life together before in Tuscany, Italy. In that life he passed away from me and I felt totally abandoned. Suffering from such a sharp and deep notched pain, even now I still cannot find the words to describe it. Watching a television show here (unique, since I almost never watch television at all) I thought of the title of this show ”Hello! Goodbye!”. It was recorded in the departure hall of the airport in Holland where people say goodbye to their Loved ones and the reporter asks them questions about the trip they want to do. He now spoke to three girls who were backpackers who wanted to leave for Turkey. One of them lost her new wedded husband and wanted to visit some family in Turkey and go to the grave of her husband. To clean it and to lay down flowers, lots of flowers and be closer to him. Though he always is with her she said. She then also pointed at the bracelet of leather with his ring attached to it and said she still felt married and connected. She also never took of her wedding ring. This all had been three years ago.They had always felt deeply connected and were only married for almost 3 months after 6 years of waiting for each other since he lived in Germany and the girl in Holland. They normally could only see each other in the weekends and talked on the phone for hours. He was killed in an accident, another driver did not notice him on his motorbike…The strange thing was this guy told his new wed wife (two days before he died) he had the feeling he reached his ultimate goal in life, which was to marry his wonderful fiancee. He even told her that whenever he would die at that moment, he would die as a totally happy man. Knowing there was nothing more to wish for….he felt totally happy.Two days later the girl got the message her hubby was killed in an accident…. As I was listening and looked at her and at the picture of their wedding she showed, I felt tears coming up. And together with that a deep, deep, very deep pain. I started to cry and felt the deep sharp pain from the death of Brian in our past life. He told me then he felt totally happy and had nothing to wish for but be with the women he would always Love. Brian died in my arms in Tuscany. How is it possible that such a pain pops up in a second? That this old pain can be triggered by a similar story? I believe everything we experience is saved in the archive of our soul. And like when we smell a fragrance that triggers an event which is connected to that fragrance, we start to remember or see or feel things we even did not know about.
In this life Brian has taken the same issue from the past life which killed him then and can kill him now. He knows this. And he made a decision he could not make in his past life with me. He decided to transform himself into the person he REALLY wants to be. Without the issue. To deliberately let go of that wolf in sheep’s clothing…Does this mean this is a sudden decision? Not at all. It has been a process of years and years and years. Even of ages. But Brian is starting to choose for Brian. He is climbing the path of his true destination and he feels it is the right one now. Does that mean he is 100% dedicated to this? Yes and No. Yes is a firm want, it is a choice. The No? Take the next example; the physical condition he is in. He does not like it so Brian decided to go to the gym. He only did not say when he would ACTUALLY go there. This has happened before. He was a member of a gym for 3 months and did not go. The decision was made to go, only the implementation was not there. Brian decided so much at once that he does not feel up to that implementation yet he tells me. Bullshit ! when you ask me, why the hesitation in this? He can start slow, building it up. Is it a threshold to him? Postponing won’t help him here. As he knows by the way. Does this mean I judge Brian for not going to the gym? No. It means I have a different opinion in this; I look at it in a different way. Will Brian mind me writing about this here in our blog? No. Why not? Because Brian does not judge me as I do not choose to judge him. We are totally open and honest to each other. We both know we say things to each other from a place of Love, not from a place of judgment in some negative way. The funny thing is that when Brian decides to do go to the gym not only in his mind but also physically, he will get to know all kind of new and interesting people and knowing Brian he will connect easily when he decides he wants to connect. Not judging himself by looking through the eyes of The Others at himself, he will be open and wanting to be there in order to live longer due to exercise. Building up the body he longs to have again. And he will, I am totally convinced of that too. Brian keeps a picture of himself being the guy he wants to be physically. I can see that picture with my eyes closed. Wearing sunglasses, in a short he looks happy and satisfied with himself. This is what I want for Brian. Because I know he wants this so much I will support him in another eating schedule, walking, exercising and so on. I told him I will be going to the gym with him. This is something I want to for myself, but actually never do here. 😦 Always an excuse… Too tired, not ready yet, don’t feel like it now etc. Bullshit again! We escape from our own needs because we……just fill in here whatever you feel or think.
Pain from a past life is where I started this blog with, it is up to us what we do with the knowledge what caused the pain we still feel. Do we REALLY choose to change? Do we REALLY believe it is possible? Do we REALLY go for it? I know what my answer is in this….how about yours?