There are times the missing of my dad pops up out of the blue. But actually that is not true at all. It may seem to be popping up out of the blue, but in fact (to me) my dad always travels with me.
As I was watching “The wedding planner” with Jennifer Lopez I felt his presence and not his passing away. And because of this feeling I missed him hugely. I was watching this movie the day before his death date, which is the 28th of April (2006) no wonder I felt him so close that day before. These dates are special to me, as I feel they are important to my dad as well. There are times when I absolutely do not think about him at all and then sudden FEEL him next to me. His presence and his warmth, his eternal Love and his understanding. His words which comforted me when I was struggling. As I felt he was with me, comforting me on this evening. How wonderful to be able to still know and feel my father was still with me…I felt my father so close to me while watching this movie. I heard him say ‘Just follow your feeling Meertje (which was his name for me) there is no other person than you who can say what is right to do. Just go for what you really want…’
After he passed away my father told me I would earn a lot of money and I would be able to realize my dreams such as writing, filming and helping people who really need it! I heard him say this in 2006 as I was sitting in my back yard and felt sad about him being gone. I listened to his words and thought I heard it incorrect. Though that little voice inside of me (my Inner Voice) confirmed his words immediately. I did not understand how it could be possible I would possibly earn a lot of money, would be able to write and make documentaries. Now, after 5 years I do. Together with Brian I will live the life I always dreamed of and wanted. I will write way more books and there are plans for making documentaries and films. Isn’t Life fantastic! What you really Believe can develop from the state of a dream into reality! By creating your very OWN reality you will experience there are many opportunities to be exploid and that there are many chances for those people who Believe they can make things come true.
Another memory popped in that evening. Brian’s Mom Sara sent me a little notebook she had written down on: “Follow your dreams”……I have very often looked at it and each time I realized over and over again I was doing that. Following my dreams. Following my heart. Following what feels to me as my destination; my choice. No matter what The Others would comment I always stick to what I FEEL is right for me to do. Even when this means people do not agree at all. This is MYLIFE, and I will live it like it’s mine. As it is and always has been. Even at times The Others used to rule it or tried to rule it. Because of the many insights I received I am able to see what really belongs to me and live my Life the way I FEEL is right for me. Instead of sensing what the Others think about it or expect me to do
My marriage with Brian will be the marriage I always wanted. Brian was the first guy who actually proposed to me. It was the 13th of September 2009 in class at the Option Institute. Brian decided to propose there because his and my life have changed so much since we were there. The group was amazingly Loving and it was the most beautiful moment ever. Memorizing this, all kind of thoughts passed by. How I grew up, being different than The Others. The loneliness, the feeling people did not really accept or include me. Though I was pretty popular I never felt included. And this is exactly what it means. I NEVER FELT INCLUDED… It does not say I WAS not included. It all had to do with my belief I was not worthy enough. I made up this belief myself because I felt I was different. I looked right through people’s masks. And when you have something to hide you don’t want anyone to look right through that. This was the reason why there were some guys who wanted to humiliate me at school. As the teacher opened the blackboard I read the lines they had written down there:
“ Mary van der Valk is dead”
I had the feeling I could not breathe anymore. It was like an ice cold hand squeezed my soul and I felt terrible lonely. No one said anything. The teacher decided to wipe it out and started class as if nothing happened.
Later when I studied at the Pedagogical Academy for my professional education, the same guys who studied there too deliberately destroyed the art work I made and “accidently” sat on my sculpture and broke it down. Laughing and feeling proud of what they did they passed me and put up thumbs. I felt sorry for them and for the first time in my life I even felt sadness towards THEM. Strangely enough this was the event on which I started to feel I was able to free myself. I decided no person on earth would or could ever harm me anymore in any way. Simply because I understood them better than they did themselves. I decided to create a Loving atmosphere in ME. Despite of what they did after this, I started to open doors for them, smiled at them and stayed totally loyal to the true me. I did not want to pay them back with hate or destroy their work at all. I simply Loved them and it stopped. …They did not get the response they wanted and backed off…
I have experienced the same thing during the time I worked on Schiphol airport, years later. I was the first woman who was hired in a men’s community. So most of towards methe men started to make advances and I turned them down. Because they were macho’s and did not want to tell their friends I turned them down they started to tell lies about me instead. They told the guys they “had” me but I was no fun at all…Well, not in their wildest dreams! Sorry! 😉
In both situations The Others saw I was a strong person who looked right through them so therefore asked to be humiliated. The second time this happened to me at work in the men’s community the same process started to take place. Adults of 40 years and older ignored me, did not let me through in a doorway, did not open the gate when I was standing there with the car etc. etc. I had to ASK if they would be so kind to let me through and I had to ASK permission to be able to enter the gate. Sometimes they even refused. It all had to do with who has the power over who…. And I did not want to participate in this.
Again I answered this with Love instead of hate or cruelties like they enjoyed to do. And guess what happened after a little while? It stopped. They accepted me because their actions did not give them what they wanted; my leaving. Whatever they did I decided to Love instead of Hate them. THEY were the ones to feel insecure. They did not know how to respond to me anymore. They wanted me to leave and tried it in a childish way. Well I was not going to end my contract because of them, no way! As I ended my contract years later, a lot of these men did not want me to leave. Isn’t that weird? They got an insight out of the situation, as I did. There is always a reason why things happen the way they do. Never see a problem as a problem, approach it as an exciting event you can deal with in a creative way! It’s a challenge that can bring you the most positive things!
Back to my childhood. As I was a little girl I knew who felt what and why. I stopped telling people. Mostly because they did not want me to tell them. People felt shocked and not ready to hear things they never asked for. I can understand that too. From the age of 6 years young I created my own mask; the mask of hiding the true me to protect myself from feeling hurt or feeling excluded. I put on the mask of being normal…I wanted to be one of the gang at school. What a different way from being me in those days! I feel so blessed to be the better version of me ! Now I live authentically, no masks, no protection, no shields. No more. I do not feel any fear of people who could “hurt” me because i am the one who decides what i feel in order to what is presented to me. I was different in those days of my past. It did not bring me what I wanted. The problem was that I did not chose to be the real me. Because of The Others. Nowadays I don’t care anymore, what a bless!
Brian and I both Love people. There can be a challenge every now and then in how we respond towards how people treat us. I can be struggling with people who show dishonesty, with people who I know who are able to steal money from Brian and with people who deliberately deceive friends or other persons. But I am not a person who lives her life with hate or judgments towards The Others. I sometimes need time to let things fall down in the right corner. Brian can do this quicker and easier than I can. He can easily change his way of feeling about things. I need time for certain things. Does this mean I judge people who are dishonest and steal from Brian or me? I have an opinion about it, YES! Because of MY Beliefs I hold. I would never steal anything from any one. Ever!
So yes, I still feel shocked where he can embrace a female friend who stole money from him. I need more time to get there. Because in my belief friends just don’t do that. And when they do they are no real friends. Brian disagrees. He decides to understand the addictiona that has control over this friend. I can understand it but it is something that is so different from how I act and live. Meaning I am still chewing on my piece here. The fact I know that Loving a person brings more than detesting a person is a fact. So I will get there when I feel comfortable with it. But I will do that my way using my time for it and I want to share it all with Brian.
This entire week I felt really sick because of the pollen. Yellow dust over all of the cars here, no wonder I felt miserable. I relaxed, read a beautiful book and went to bed early. So as I was looking at this movie with Jennifer Lopez (The Wedding planner) I suddenly realized I still have a part of that child in me. As we all do. But this moment I was also able to FEEL the hurt and the pain, the rejection and the loneliness from the child I used to be again. I felt tears coming up and freed them by letting them roll down over my cheeks. I felt my father; I felt his warmth and heard his wise words. I thought of Brian who was sick too ( he also caught a cold). It’s so remarkable Brian and I can share the same symptoms at the same time. When I catch a cold, Brian has a cold. When Brian is feeling some better, I feel some better too. this has not happened once, no…it has happened many times! Something to think about…Twin souls? Or two souls who have been together in past lives before? Could be both too. Fact is we are very similar, feeling and experiencing much at the same time. Brian has gone through a lot, so have I.
I already experienced more than an average 80 year old person might have experienced in his or her entire life. Sure, I went down a couple of times and picked myself up again. Over and over again. Did i make bad choices during my life? Don’t think so. Did I choose bad people around me? Don’t think so either. I made those choices and chose these persons for a reason. I got my insights. I feel free! Thanks to all these circumstances, and choices I made. There is not something like a bad choice. It can ALWAYS GIVE you what you really want. When you are able to open up yourself to receive the insights it will change your life! Isn’t that exciting? The true meaning of everything I went through is less complicated than I thought when I was younger. I CHOSE every circumstance, every event, every rejection. The reason whyI chose this has to do with the path of my destination. Gaining the insights I had to gain before I felt ready to do wherefore I came here. There can be people who think I talk rubbish, they may think that. There can be people who reject me because of this. They may do that. There can be people who believe I am a floating hysterical spiritual so therefore not very balanced person. It’s okay with me. Every single person on this planet is totally entitled to hold on to beliefs he or she feels good with. and to choose the path of their destination.
I learned as a 52 year young person what I WANT. I want to LIVE. I want to LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT.
Brian has gone through rough times as well. He still is struggling with things. So am I. It’s only natural we do. But as we combined our thoughts, dreams and beliefs, we discovered we are a TEAM! Our LOVE is one out of all lifetimes. We will always feel each other even when we are 7000 miles apart.
The distance is terrible and beautiful at the same time. The obtaining of the fiancée visa takes a long time; we have been busy with this from August 2010. Still am awaiting the last international document so I can finally send in the paperwork and get an invitation for an interview at the American Consulate in Amsterdam. The Beautiful thing is:
Our Love has proved to be steady all the way.
So the hard part of being apart from each other has been a huge confirm of our Love at the same time!!!
At this moment I feel I MISS BRIAN TERRIBLY!………..I can feel him but he is not here. The feeling is similar to the feeling of the missing of my father. I can still feel him though he is not here with me. My dad would have Loved Brian. He would have seen who Brian was. My friends all Love Brian for who he is.
My hubby to be is a dreamer. And that is only one of the trillion reasons why I Love him. Because EVERYTHING STARTS WITH HAVING A DREAM. Those who BELIEVE in their dreams will LIVE their dreams. I know Brian does. I know I do. And the most beautiful thing is we SHARE THE SAME DREAMS…!
I am counting the days that are between us. I am counting each hour that will bring us back together again. What the future will bring us? Everything we go for. Because LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.