This is the title of one of the great songs Peter Gabriel has written and composed. The lyrics talk for itself. How many of us have started a great Love relationship and keep their silence after a while. How many of us believed this one Love relationship had everything we longed for to realize after a certain time or even after a certain years it’s just a facade. A built up “fairy tale” with the outcome: They lived Unhappily Ever After…..
How’s this possible?
I have been in Love relationships in my life too, just like many of you will have experienced in your lives. Looking back I realise I created each Love Relationship myself because I exactly knew what I wanted to learn. I attracted those men who could make clear to me what I felt, how I felt and what I wanted in my “Long Lasting Love Relationship”, the so called: LoLaLoRelationship. The sound of that words already makes clear that mine was not a steady and balanced Love relationship. More like LoLaLo…:) I did learn a lot from it though! Still it was not THE Love Relationship I really wanted. As the years went by I understood more and more I myself projected my wants on the man instead of analyzing him the way he really was. And each time I came to the point of no return and no escape…the point I knew that even talking could not save the relationship anymore. I learned my lessons, I took my Insights out of it and I felt alone. Later this changed. I considered myself happy even without a Love relationship. I felt how more mature I had become and enjoyed Life in self awareness and knew if I wanted to find my partner for Life, I only had to open myself up to the Universe/ The Light to ASK for it and then feel everything would come at the right time and the right spot. I felt Confidence. I felt at ease. And I found Brian. With him I share the most complete and innovative, creative and joyful Love relationship I always wanted and never stopped to believe in. All of the experiences I had before I met Brian were totally perfect, all of it changed me into the strong person I am today. For Brian it’s the same, his journey of Life from being a very shy person to the open and most Loving, strong person he is now, has brought many challenges but even more solutions, learning’ s and we have lots in common.
Back to the talking.
“Come talk to me….” Each time I wanted it to work, each time I gave Everything, and each time it was not enough to keep up the talking to figure things out. Sometimes it was because my partner just did not feel like talking at all about emotions. Or my partner just wanted to talk about his feelings and wasn’t interested in mine. Sometimes we just did not communicate on the same level. I thought back of what my father told me many times in my life: When it’s good it’s good and when it’s bad it’s bad. No matter how hard you try you simply can’t make something good when it is not willing to be good or does not recognize it as good. Some things you simply can’t change. A relationship you need to work for each day to MAKE it good is self destroying. When you have found your real partner, you will feel it IS right. Comfortable, not judgmental…
I have seen many people in my office, being a psychological therapist/ hypnotist for years and years. And one of the most heard telling’ s included the miscommunication, the lack of communication or the complete ignorance. Where did it go wrong? Every person can answer this in a different way, still there is a common factor in it. The moment you feel you want to talk about something that is important to you and you choose not to talk about, will go into the bad tasting cookie jar. Who wants to eat them? Exactly! No one does, so the bad cookies turn more bad and after a while you just throw them away. Done with it. No more!
You can seek help, try counseling or talk about it with people you find to be trustworthy. You can work on attitude, on leaving your partner the space to be talking too. Or invite your partner to feel safe enough to talk about his/ her feelings.
On the other hand, when you really can’t talk with your partner and counseling or seeking other help does not work, you might consider to go to the Option Institute. A Life Changing Experience! It changed my Life in a healthy and good way, confirmed what I already knew and believed in.
When nothing helps and you tried everything for as far as possible for you, be wise and part. Go and be grateful for the beautiful moments, just remember these were a few moments of real joy, while you could have lots of them! Start a new life and find the partner you truly want to be with. Be sure and aware to have no masks on. Be the real you, it will save you a lot of time. Be direct, it will help you to see who your date really is. Ask for honesty and no masks at your date. Be who you are, both. It’s the shortest way to true Happiness.
Peter Gabriel already wrote a song about it.
“Come Talk to me”
Personally I believe in an open and good communication. When you can’t talk together, it is a hard and long way to go. Why would you choose for such a relationship? This is what I believe. Of course it’s always up to you to agree or disagree with that.
I often heard people say they could not divorce because of the children. Why? Is it better to give your children the example of two people being in a Love relationship that doesn’t work? Where two people live together without any Togetherness? Is that what we want our children to believe in?
I have seen many couples who stayed together because of the children and watched their children seeking the Love relationship they wanted. Almost all of them did not know how to deal with feelings, how to talk about emotions or how to handle affection in a Love relationship. They froze up when their partner tried to cuddle, snuggle or put an arm around them, specially in public. Having sex was the only time they could open up some more. No affectionate behavior, no kisses, no arms around each other. Is this what we want our children to think a Love relationship is? Because they never saw Mom and Dad hug each other, looking at each other in a Loving way? Instead of that they witness ignorance, irritation and looks which talk for themselves. How do partners/ parents believe children will know what is Love when they never show it? Never experience them sit or walk hand in hand? Never sit together? Is this what we decide to show to our children?
Let me ask you a question:
How many times did you try to Talk with your partner? And how many times did it work? Does this mean that you are having a bad marriage or Love relationship when you can’t talk? That’s up to you to decide. Just ask yourself ONE question:
Is this what I really want?
When the answer is No, think about what you DO want. And try to talk with your partner in a non-judgmental way. Open, willing to share. Willing to Listen. When Brian and I have a misunderstanding we talk. We want to know how to best understand each other. We negotiate about things. We tell each other what we feel and think. And we feel One.
The secret of our Togetherness is simple.
We WANT to FEEL and UNDERSTAND each other always. We choose to put energy in being Together. Whenever something is bothering me I bring it up. Brian feels safe enough to HEAR me and we talk. As simple as that. None of us wants to be Right. We simply don’t believe in right or wrong. We believe in opportunities, in choosing, in deciding how we want to live our Life Together.
How about you?