Sometimes we unexpectedly make a journey in ourselves. A journey that can Change our life in a way we never could possibly predict. I will tell you about mine.
Brian and I are a team. Always have been since the very first moment we met. Even before we met. For we were madly in Love for about 5 months before we really saw each other. So many memories, so much Sharing, so much understanding, so much Love. We both felt Blessed. We had this effortless joyful and great Love to share and multiply with everything we did.
The circumstances were not ideal. But who needs perfect calmness or everything smoothed out when you feel this kind of Love.
We knew we had met before, in Tuscany, in another life. Even different lives before. And we were so deeply Happy to have found back the Love we always shared before in this life again…We didn’t take anything for granted. Working Together, Laughing Together, Living Together. In perfect understanding.
In overflowing Gratitude and in feeling humble this was ours. We felt Blessed.
Let me tell you more about me first. I come from Holland. Here we hold on to tradition. To Beliefs that are taught by our parents. The Dutch people in general are more distant than I have experienced in America. They “look the cat out of the tree” which is a Dutch saying expressing people do not act right away but keep their distance to first check out what is going on or who some one is. Now I have always been different than my brothers. I was different than my parents. I was no “Dutchie” at all. I wanted to experience myself where my family was taught Beliefs by their parents. I did not choose to believe their Beliefs. At least I thought I did. But somehow, underneath all my braveness and living things my way, there was this undertone that still kept me down in my exploring. I was not aware of that at all until the last couple of months. The old Beliefs popped up, unexpectedly but there. Very much there. What it triggered was Fear. Fear to be rejected as had happened more than once in my Life. Old Fear dressed up as new. I who believed was not doing Fear acted out of Fear now. I will not go into all the details for that is my privacy, but something happened with Brian and I in the beginning of the year that gave the space for my old Beliefs to pop up. Something that caused a distance between Brian and I. An event that took place in the summerhouse caused it.
In February I broke my back after a fall in an unknown movie theater. Brian was in total shock and later that week even in despair for the doctors I called said I was exaggerating. I was in extraordinary pain after a week and could not sit, lay down nor stand. I was crying and got at the point I started to feel nauseous caused by the terrible nerve pain. Later it was clear that one of my spine vertebrae was cutting my nerve. I do not remember very much of that time, apart from the fact I finally was allowed to go to the hospital where they drugged me and nothing helped. Brian who did not speak Dutch was left alone in a town he did not know anyone. Exhausted after three days in a row with no sleep. Upset for he could not understand why doctors did not send an ambulance immediately for I was in such a pain. (At that point we did not know my back was broken.)
During that 13 days in the hospital I had no idea how Brian was doing for I tried to survive the immense pain. After 11 days they used electric impulses on my leg and this finally helped. I do not have much memory of the time after I came back in the summerhouse where we stayed. Brian took care of me and was up 3 times per night for otherwise the pain got too bad, I had to get up and stretch. Could not walk, so was in the wheelchair. Fainted. Back in bed.
Brian kept a spreadsheet with what medicines to take at what time. I was in a bed in the living room. Brian was in the other bedroom. I could not do anything. Needed help by every move I wanted to make. I was not me. Brian was not himself. There was a distance because of the medicines and because of the Event that took place there. We both felt it. I just found back the medical sheet Brian made and I saw he wrote entire files with how I felt, what I did, the progress and how I responded.Never knew that he wrote it. Just found them by accident. I did not know about this for I do not remember. By finding what Brian wrote down on my laptop, I started to think back. And some memories still seemed to be there. They popped up out of the archive, my archive. It was confronting.
I felt disappointed by certain things Brian did. I felt hurt. Rejected. And the old Beliefs started to gain ground here. My mother warned me to not continue this relationship for it was bad for me. All based on fear it would repeat itself. The Others started to give comments based on their Fear and their Beliefs and said I was crazy when I would continue. Because of the medicines and the exhaustion of the burnout I was diagnosed with, I started to see things differently. I did not think the Mary way which is always positive and trustful. I started to belief the old Beliefs of Fear. Based on these Beliefs that were not really mine at all, I was looking at the entire situation in a way that did not fit me. It did fit The Others. Because of that Fear I thought it would be better, though it broke my heart in little pieces, to not continue the Love relationship with Brian. Of course things happened and of course that was not good at all. But the Mary Mary would have talked about it more and would have never given up. The drugged Mary who got influenced without realizing this was happening, chose to break up. For the Beliefs were realistic and I bought them.
Let me tell you,I do not suffer a complex personality. I do no drugs. I was given drugs that could help me though I hated them. I am not a person who is unstable. But I did feel scared. Scared based on the Beliefs of the Others who told me when this Event could happen once it would most certainly happen twice and so on. I did not feel like me. I felt terrible. Alone. Rejected. Even angry, which is a second emotion, for underneath that, lies rejection. I however always believe things happen with a reason. Problems are never there to just bother you. They are there to help you. To get the Insights you need. Even when you were not looking for them…
The journey in me continued. As in Brian. He got confronted with Lostness, complete Lostness. No future plans anymore. No Mary. The distance was partly due to this all. Being apart for that long is devastatingly terrible. After a month of feeling out of his normal balance Brian went to the Option Institute again (www.option.org) to take a course called “Calm Amid Chaos”. He came back and felt balanced again. He faced himself. And decided that he would be fine. He also told me I would come back. And when I asked why, he simply said: ‘Because you will remember….’
I started to awake from my hibernation after 8 months. I saw Brian on Skype every now and then and knew I felt lost too. But because I did Fear and felt Angry I was not able to do anything yet. I chose to remain in my “I am the one who got rejected here remember?” mode and felt like shit. Friends helped me. I stayed with friends, who even took me in for a while. But I knew I had to face Brian again. I decided to deny that force from within. Out of Fear. I denied Fear as well. But the reason why I did not continue our relationship started to become more and more clear. I felt hurt. And because I did not want to feel hurt I decided to eliminate the relationship. Out of plain Fear….But my Love for Brian was Always there, underneath that thin surface of hurt and anger. Until the moment I simply could not deny it anymore. Then I got the Insight. I had abandoned my marriage out of Fear. Fear based on things like what happened in the summerhouse, Fear it would happen again. The rejection, the hurt, the feeling of being abandoned.
I called up Brian and said: I want to talk to you on Skype. We talked. We cried. We knew we did not really want to part. That is I did. Brian never wanted to part. After 8 months of being apart and about 2 and a half months of separation, we were back Together again.
Today in the evening of the 8th of December I was watching this movie called:”Man about town” with Ben Affleck, Rebecca Romein and John Cleese. Somewhere in this movie she says: ‘You Always saw me’…and I felt tears running down. Because Brian Always SAW me. He never gave up on me. He simply knew I was coming back.
In this movie “Man about town” Rebecca Romein says: ‘Look inside of yourself and find a place where all of the good memories are, everything that happened between you and me. If you really Love me why is it so hard for you?’….and I cried even more. For it is not about what you did not have or what you did not experience, it is about what you did experience Together. And I had to look deep inside of me just like she did and find that place again…I remembered….all of the beautiful things. Everything was still there. Just as Brian said it would be. Even the Event had not changed that, though I believed it had done just that for months. I was in no-where-land for these months. I felt Lost. I felt cut off. I felt terrible.
But after 8 months I knew it was not about Forgiveness towards Brian. I was the one who judged him hard. He did not judge me. The Event was something I could not get over. It was bad. We both knew it was. But for me it was about being able to let go of the Past. Taking my Insights out of that. As Brian did too.
I still remember everything that happened. But I do not choose to judge Brian for that. No more. And the most beautiful thing happened. The veil of judgment I took off gave me the space to see that my Love for Brian was never gone. It was covered by a self protecting defense system based on Fear and the Beliefs of The Others. Beliefs it would never become a good relationship anymore for that was impossible. Well they were right about that. It is even better now! We have grown. We have found our Insights. We survived.
At the End of the movie I quoted before the She says: ‘ I want to come Home… I want us to be Together….I just want to come Home…’Just like I told Brian.
I am coming Home.