In a Love relationship people pretend to really know each other well. So well, they start to assume what the partner thinks or will do. Sometimes they are right but is it a good idea to assume? In America we say:’Don’t ASSUME because you make an “ASS” out of “U” and “ME”…..
Sure, you know him or her in a way no one else does. And of course you have experienced him or her in many situations, but do you really know what he or she thinks or will do? People are in their own process and change all the time. Small changes can lead to bigger ones. I will give you an example.
A man is married to his wife for over 26 years. They understand each other and they truly Love each other. The woman is always open and honest, talks about everything. The man is not much of a talker at all. He pretends to listen to his wife but since she talks a lot she assumes he is a very good Listener while he is thinking about other stuff while she is talking. Every now and then he says: aha or yes, or no or ah or really? She believes he is the best husband in the world for he always listens. She assumes he knows about her inn’s and out’s. One day she is reminding him of this important meeting she needs to attend. He wishes her good luck and grabs the newspaper again. She stares at him and asks why he is still sitting there. He looks up in an astonished way and asks what she means. The woman yells he agreed to come with her and looks at him with a not-believing-what-he-does expression on her face. He coughs, mumbles something and hides behind the newspaper again. The woman starts to explode. ‘Why do you do this to me? Can’t you see how important this is to me? It’s about me here you know? How can you be so rude? You make me feel angry, is that what you want for me?’ The man lowers his newspaper and looks at her. He puts the newspaper aside and stares at her. The woman repeats asking if he knows he is ruining her career by his attitude. And demands to know what ‘s wrong…The man’s facial expression now changes.
‘You, my love, you is what’s wrong. First of all it’s Always about you.
Secondly I am no God so I don’t hold the power nor the ability to ruin your career or make you feel anything. And the last thing I want to tell you is that I do not hear all you say simply because you talk so much that’s very hard to define what’s important or not since everything is important to you. So when you ask me to come with you now and you really Ask me, I will consider going with you when that really means much to you. But when it is just because you want to look distinguished and “normal” for having a partner instead of feeling the want to have YOUR partner there with you, I will refuse it.’
The woman opens her mouth to say something and then shuts it immediately. She does not know what to say for her husband told her things she had no idea of. She Assumed she knew what he was thinking. He let her. To a certain degree.
What does this example tell us?
How does this work in your personal life? Do you always believe you know what your partner thinks or believes? Do you open up and talk about that? Or do you choose to believe you know?
Personally I believe in being open meaning I ask questions and I feel interested in the thoughts and the process my partner is in.
When I feel a distance for whatever reason I ask myself and my partner why I feel this. We talk about that. And we ask open questions like:
What is it that you feel?
Can you describe it to me?
Why do you believe you feel this?
What does this tell you? Etc.
No matter how well you believe you know your partner, friend or family, be open to ask questions all the time. Never assume you know. Because it could very well be you do not know it at all. Or you only know it half. When partners want to keep growing Together it is very important to Communicate….really Communicate. Be in a Loving place while talking. Listen. Do not prepare you answer while you pretend to listen but take time to Listen well and then come up with an answer.
Feel Safe. For when you are in a real Good Love relationship you can do that without any Fear. And when you do feel Fear, talk about that. For you have a good chance your partner does the same thing you did. To keep the Connection open, it’s all about Loving Communication.