Every person knows it and every person will recognize it: Obedience…
We are raised by the Belief to obey our parents, at school we were taught obedience is a lesson of Life. Children are supposed to be obedient to be good. I agree to a certain degree with this. Children can be taught, that’s a Loving and Wise thing to do. It is about the Way we teach our children for they are the adults of tomorrow. So teaching is fine, Obedience can be fine too.But what when these children reach the age in which they become more aware of their own vision on life? Is it accepted when they do? Or do we ‘better’ them by correcting our children in a very strict way? Thinking back of this I remember a father who yelled at his son and demanded immediate Obedience from him. But his son was already an adult and only stared at his father, stood up and walked out on him. The father got totally insane for he felt his control he always had or believed he had was taken away from him. The son refused to talk with his father for weeks and only after the son decided to talk, the father saw him again. The son explained to his father he did want to communicate but he refused to be told to be obedient for he had his own opinion and asked his father to Respect that. Only after the father understood you can’t demand Respect they were able to Communicate with each other.
In their puberty children will detach themselves more and more, it’s is a natural process of Life meaning the child is growing up and wants to make it’s own decisions. We are the Guiders not the ‘Demanders’ as a parent. Many of us still carry the criticism of our father or mother with us. Still hear their voices when we do things. Decide things. And silently we can even long for the confirmation we make our decisions in a right way….The Law of Obedience in this can be deeply printed in our system without being fully aware of it.
I remember when I was a child my father did not accept my behavior. He talked and I had to listen. But though I did listen, I also wanted to share my opinion with him. He did not allow that. So I had to swallow in all of my arguments and when I tried to pass that line, he would correct me immediately. Later when I grew up we had discussions and even issues with the Law of Obedience. He could raise his voice and I felt indoctrinated and intimidated by that as a child. This resulted in my attitude of immediate Obedience when a partner yelled at me. I shut down, acted from the indoctrinated Child in me and did not give any response, since I was taught by my father only then I was a good girl. It had become a mechanism I was not fully aware of. Though my father and I grew into a more mature way of talking when I was an adult, the mechanism to obey was still there. I was taught to show Respect by Listening. The way my father thought was best for me was to overrule me. Like partners overruled me later on in my Life. It took me years before I was able to let Go of this attitude. Nowadays I feel free to speak out when I feel like wanting to speak out. No Fear. No more. I am my own ‘good’ girl so I don’t need the Confirmation by The Others anymore. I feel Strong and Balanced, but above that all I feel my Self…
Do you have behaviors that are conditioned? Are you aware of situations in which you behave differently than you actually want? Is it because you were taught to behave in a certain way, was it demanded by your parents or environment? Do you have issues with people who are dominant or overruling? These are questions that interest me. Because even when we believe we are entirely our own Self, we can react in a way that is not ours at all. For example when you take a candy or a cookie, do you apologize for doing that? Or when you ask something for your Self do you make an excuse to ‘make’ the other person fulfill your want? Do you say:” I’m sorry to ask but would you please be so kind to get this for me when it’s not too much trouble for you?” We might consider this to be polite but in fact we give our Self away and let The Other person get the ruling part. Why? Because this was taught? So? Do you have a mind of your own and do you want to feel Good about your Self? Then just ask for what you want in a friendly equal way.
I started to dis-cover the things that got me. It was the yelling, the raising of a voice to overrule me, to shut me down, to intimidate me. After I understood this I was able to change the way I responded to that.
What in your Life is intimidating you? What in your Life is ‘making’ you feel something that is not really yours?
Life is a learning process we all go through in our own way with our own Beliefs, for as far as we realize these Beliefs are truly ours or not. I experienced that a lot of my so called ‘own’ Beliefs were actually Owned by The Others like my parents, grandmother, friends, teachers. So with every Belief I asked myself these same questions:
Do I really FEEL this is true for me and do I want to keep this Belief or do I decide to Let it Go?
My wish for the New Year is to ask your Self theses question in order to get the Life you Really Want and is yours to be. We only ‘have to’ reach for it.