Being your True Self…is it a Gift???

Watched a television show in which kids feel insecure and are helped to become who they want to be. Watched shows in which people critisize adults who are offered a total Make-over to become who The Others believe they can be, I have my doubts looking at that. I do not doubt for one second the honesty tv makers have to make a good show and help people who have a lack of self esteem at the same time. The question in this is: Do we have the right to Change them into persons they are not? You can change Beliefs and Belief structures in a positive and strong way.To help people feel more secure. This will possibly give them a real boost for what’s about their self esteem. Chats with psychologists, guiding their attitude, changing behavior, the way they dress. Still I wonder where we set the boundries so these people can remain loyal to who they innerly are. For they do not seem to be able or capable to do that.

I watched this show in which people were totally themselves but apparently not accepted by The Others. And for they wanted to feel more certain about themselves they let other people, in this case the television makers, rule their world.
They were taken in and the entire team did a total make- over. New hair. New Clothes. New Person….??? I saw this beautiful so called gothic styled woman change into an average house wife. I watched the audience. The entire crowd yelled at her when she first came on stage for the way she was dressed up. It was a NO! After the Make – over the same audience yelled again but now with enthusiasm (directed by the show) for they just loved the change this woman made who went from stunning and originally extraordinairy into an unhappy gray mouse.

Why did the audience react this way? It somehow reminded me of the gladiators and the crowd that got excited and went crazy for they felt they had the power to influence the emperor to hold a thumb up or down by mass hysteria.

My question in this is: Do we have the right to change a person into someone they are not?

Why not make a television show about people who look different than average and discover they feel great that way? Why do people feel the need to change them into so called accepted “normal” people?

Some shows even go back to see these people after certain months. Some of them have gone back to who they were before and guess what? It did have a positive change! They now felt really Happy being their REAL SELF again and felt secure about themselves. In fact a controversed situation.

However in that same show I also saw people who felt confused, not acceptive of who they were at all anymore. They felt worse after the Make- over for now they got the idea the way they were dressed and reacted before was not good enough for it had to be changed. And after the Make-over they did not feel themselves anymore at all. They were not able to overcome their uncertainty and as the camera faded out the voice over said:
People who doubt who they choose to be need Help. When they get that help and still can’t choose who they are that is a choice too. But a sad one.

So let me ask you a question. Is being your True Self a Gift or a Burden? Can we be like we want to be? And if not what is keeping us from that? I can assure you my personal Belief is that being your True Self always is a Gift. And the first step to Inner freedom and feeling Happy is letting go of the judgments by The Others AND by your Self.

I know I can be who I CHOOSE to be as long as I feel in Balance with who I FEEL I am. Nothing can or will EVER keep me from the want to be My True Self.
The only thing that might take the ability to be your True Self is when you believe you need to live by the acceptance of The Others.
To look at your Self through Their eyes and even worse through Their eyes only is a Decision. A Choice. You may choose or decide to Judge your Self for not being beautiful enough, slim enough, sexy enough etc. You will bleech your teeth so you will look like all these plastic people who seem to lead a photoshopped life as a natural state of being. But does it give you Happiness? Acceptance? By who? You or The Others? It all has to do with your Beliefs. Who you DECIDE and CHOOSE to be.

A real Happy person is a person who feels inside outside good about him or her Self.
We do not HAVE to look like a movie star to feel accepted.
We do not NEED the admirance of The Others to feel good.

What we do need it to see our True Self and feel Happy with us. Inside Outside. No judgments. For each judgment we make we look at our Self through the critisizing eyes of The Others.

And with that we give away the Power over our Self. Why on earth would we be willing to do that?

I know I do not choose that.

How about you?

What do we decide when we face Rejection……..?

Rejection is an emotion that is connected with attachment. We can feel attached to persons, animals, things or circumstances.

Last night I watched this movie with Mickey Rourke as The Wrestler.

And I felt tears watching it. So much to recognize and so much to lose, so much to win. Bad timing, hard words spoken at the “wrong” time, all of it building up to an imploding violence of the Soul.
Rejection holds it’s own Power. A very up building or a very destroying Power, but Power it is. What is Rejection? To me rejection was like a cold hand trying to tear out all of my Joy and sucking out all of my self esteem.

I know Rejection. I have tried to defeat it as my enemy. Until the point of no return. Till here and no further. There is always another person who Rejects you. You might believe, just like I did, this other person is so important to you that without his or her Love, Embrace, Confirming words, you are Nothing. This guy or this girl can break you or build you up. You feel like you can’t live without that. But the truth is you can. As long as you know WHO YOU ARE and as long as YOU LOVE YOU.

I have been in Love relationships with men who tried to be more than me by humiliating me, beating me up, raping me, telling me I was less than shit and taking away my friends, isolating me, punishing me with taking my privileges from me, burning me down in public, laughing at me for they did not believe in me. I felt broken, I felt down, but I always came back into the real me. My real Self is indestructible. My real Self is unbroken. My real Self knows who I am. This is why I am still alive.

One of my former partners told me the day before I left the marriage and his house that he had won. That he always wanted to win and would never stop fighting me until he did. He smiled his smile looking down at me and I looked him straight in the eye and said: There are no winners in this. It is not about winning. I know it isn’t, you don’t and I feel sorry for you that you still believe this is the way to handle a relationship. You did not win. Neither did I. For it is not about Winning, it is about how to Love one another. I know that’s where a relationship is about. You don’t. I don’t hate you. I just feel sorry for you that you are not able to Love.

Watching The Wrestler, I could understand and feel the head characters. They all followed their own process in their Life. The woman who came to see him was too late, she could not stand up for her Love for him at the “right” timing. She could have saved him but she got stuck in her own emotions and did not tell him she Loved him and she wanted him to be safe. She just said “I am here, I am really here…” The crowd shouted the Wrestler’s name. He tried to be a father for his daughter but screwed up by showing up too late, again. The daughter could not cope with the pain she suffered emotionally and rejected him as her father. Told him she never wanted to see him or talk to him ever again. The Power of Rejection versus the Power of Love.

The woman in this movie did Love the Wrestler but felt captured in her own life. The daughter was doing Fear of Rejection and took the power by rejecting her father who really needed her in his life like she needed him in her life. They all hungered for Love. None of them got that in the end. Rejection was the key here. Beautifully acted by Mickey Rourke. The disillusioned wrestler who chose to die rather than losing Love again. He had nothing left was his Belief. When he would have made a different Choice like stepping out of the wrestling business after his speech (which was great by the way) he could have had it all. Rejection has an amazing destructive Power. One you can never underestimate.

Some people feel rejected as a child and are not able to let go of that feeling and it’s Power ever again.

Some of us do not feel heard. Some of us do not feel Seen. Some of us do not feel Confirmed.

Some of us do not feel Loved.

What would happen when you would do this:

LET GO OF THE PAST.

How?
By CHOOSING to be in the Here and Now. By knowing and realizing you are never your Past. You are your own “present”… By listening to your Inner child that still may feel heart. By giving the child the attention that lacked. By taking your Inner child by the hand and by telling this child can feel Safe again because YOU are there to HELP him or her. Together you’re Strong!
Tell him/ her it will be just fine and nothing can happen for YOU are there to take care of the child from this point on. YOU are so much wiser now and YOU can DECIDE it’s just fine. YOU and only you are the director of your own Life and your own emotions.

It is not important if one of The Others rejects us by telling us we are not good enough, we are not Lovable, we are not Intelligent enough, we are Disappointing them, we are too Big or too Small, we are too Pretty or too Ugly or whatever they tell us we are or do. That has NOTHING to do with who YOU are. It only reflects their Beliefs. Not imortant. What IS important is YOU.

For YOU know who you are and you are not dependent from their opinion. For you and ONLY YOU can decide what to do with it. Never buy a Belief that is not your’s. It is just something they make up. So just shrug your shoulders. It is not important at all. I know I had to learn that. It was a tough and hard road to walk. Yet, at this moment in Life I feel like one with my Inner Child. I do not feel rejected anymore for I decide what my value is. Not The Others. I do not decide to give or hand over that Power to them for it only belongs to ME.
On this moment in my Life I feel Loved. First of all by ME. I accept myself and I Love my Self.
I feel Loved by my Loved Ones. My children Elise, Tobias and Fay. My husband Brian who Loves me deeply and his family. My mother, my brother. My friends.

No person will get any guarantee in Life. So what! Just live your Life with Choices YOU make, never live Life by the Choices The Others make for you. Never agree with a Choice when YOU feel a NO instead of a Yes. Be Authentic. Be You. Love YOU. It’s as simple as that. No hard work. Just a clear Choice.

Sadness is a Choice…?

Sometimes one can feel sad without knowing where that came from.
Still, when we can be in Silence with our Self it can very well be we will find our Answers…

It’s my own experience that when this happens I have been ignoring my own wants for too long. I start to feel some sadness I can’t explain. Then when I try to ignore this, for I do not choose for sadness, the feeling can even get stronger. So I start to feel irritated, tired, can’t put my finger on it but feel out of whack.

For me in this situation there are three things I can do.

1) Let go of the feeling Sadness. It’s a choice.

2) Dig into that feeling and try to find out where it’s coming from and what I want to do with it.

3) Or I can Ignore it all still feel out of whack and take on the Belief it will pass…

Normally I will always choose to dig into it and see where it’s coming from. But there can be times I do not want to. Because I feel tired, or just done with it.
When I look at people I see them act on this in their own chosen way.
They can project their sadness on The Other(s) in order to feel better themselves. People who project their issues on Others will also do Fear and will not be drawn to Self confronting thoughts. They believe it’s always the fault of the other person for they have nothing to blame them for.Some of them will point a finger into the direction of The Other(s) to blame them for making them feel this way.  I do not believe anyone can MAKE  me feel ANYTHING. I do believe I can take in a certain sadness that was originally initiated by The Other(s). Still I and only I can choose to take it in and leave it inside of me.
Yes. Some persons can be the Stimulus to my to be created mood. Still it’s ME doing that to ME. I create my own emotions. I am the creator and the director of my own thoughts, Beliefs and developed emotions. There can be times I just don’t choose to dig into this all and I just choose for the want to feel upset, cry, be upset etc.

I can discharge my Self by crying, feeling the want to talk about it etc. When that is my own Choice it’s all good.It is my decision.

But after a certain time (can even be minutes) I will choose to feel the want to change that into a more creative and solving balance. But that is me. Every person will handle this in her/ his own personal way.
I realize I can’t change the circumstances in my life. I can influence the way I respond to it, for sure.

This evening a friend called me and asked me when all the Challenges in my Life would finally stop. She asked me if I could see into the future for me. I was silent for about a minute then answered I can only feel and choose Trust things will be alright. That I know a part of my Destiny is in America. That I feel and know I will be able to overcome the financial challenges (no income on this moment). That I have learned to detach, to be happy with small things and let go of a lot of things. Material things are not my priority. Certain things I feel a connection with do. And yet, even that I can let go. Just existing. Breathe. Be. No needs. Meditating about what is of real value to me. And choose to live in a way I feel in harmony with.

THAT is digging into the Deep for me.
Listening to what my real Self wants.

Today I found the answer in my Self. How to go from here. In the Now. To express my true Inner wants. To not hold back out of Fear. To open up and to Share. To remind my Self of what’s really important in me. To hold on to that.

 

I am in my process, where are you?

 

Rejection might hurt when you Love a person…a decision?

I hold the strong Belief that when a person rejects you for some reason this can only reach your Soul when you believe it is true or partly true. Still there are times I also can feel rejected and experience a sharp pain in my Soul. Whenever this happens it’s because of the totally Unexpected timing and when it’s coming from a friend who is telling me things that are hard to hear.

In my opinion it has to do with Safety and a shared Comfort zone. When you feel Safe you feel Comfortable with each other. You simply do not Expect that person to say things which are assuming and/or blaming or said with the purpose of “making” you feel something else than Happy. Now in fact it’s pretty simple. No person in the world can MAKE me feel ANYTHING for only I hold the power to make me feel anything. Nevertheless it’s hard to hear some people say things which are untrue or just made up. When they hold the Belief it’s all on me. The question that pops up here is ‘Why’? Why does this happen and how do we choose to respond to that?

I have had several experiences in a row with people who were dishonest to me and later acted from a victimizing behavior. Projecting their issues on me. Blaming me for the way they felt for I SHOULD HAVE said or done something they had already written down in their scenario. Things to make THEM Happy.
But because I write my own scenario being in the Now, they felt disappointed I did not do what they already made up in their mind I would do. I did not say the right things at their supposed right time, I did not tell the truth they wanted to hear and already designed in their head. I did not play the game by their rules. Stubbornness followed, it’s like playing chess waiting who can make the first genius move. Pushing on all of my “buttons” to manipulate me? Sorry! Don’t like it and do not feel interested. Guilt tripping on me? Same thing, no thanks. It all has to do with being honest in and towards my Self without being ego minded. I am no longer interested in these blamings or assumings or guilt tripping to manipulate. I have taken in the Beliefs of the Others for a long time in my Life by putting The Other(s) first. No more. I know my own values by now. I don’t need them from The Others. No more. And I feel good by that decision.

So what’s left is that some people whom I considered to be friends were friends with a guideline. When I do not do what they expect me to do in conversations, behavior or gestures they will just ignore me, attack me or throw all kind of things at my head I am no part of. The question again is ‘Why’ do they do this? To have things their way? Control? Power?Or Fear? I have been thinking about this for some time. Just sharing my thoughts here with you.

1)When I do not do what people want me to do or expect me to do or say, I am doing wrong to them. Do I agree? No, of course not.

2)When people do not feel the want to be confronting to themselves, they will project it on The Other, in this case on me. They start to blame me for what they lack to do or say themselves.

3)When people are alone they have (too) much time to think things over and tend to ‘forget’ their own part in it . They will put the blame on The Other, me in this case.

4)People who are alone and only have one friend to claim, will be able to make things bigger and more sad and will even possibly dive into a deep victimizing behavior when this friend does not do what they believe is good for THEM.

Now what this all does to you is up to you. When you feel like someone is guilt tripping you and you believe he or she has the right to do so because you FEEL guilty, go ahead. It’s a Choice, your Choice. Like it is my Choice to decide what feels best for me.

But how does it feel? And what is Guilt?

According to Wikipedia:

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.[1] It is closely related to the concept of remorse.

Remorse is an emotional expression of personal regret felt by a person after he or she has committed an act which they deem to be shameful, hurtful, or violent. Remorse is closely allied to guilt and self-directed resentment. When a person regrets an earlier action or failure to act, it may be because of remorse or in response to various other consequences, including being punished for the act or omission.

Resentment (also called ranklement or bitterness) is the experience of a negative emotion (anger or hatred, for instance)[1] felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done. Etymologically, the word originates from French “ressentir“, re-, intensive prefix, and sentir “to feel”; from the Latin “sentire“. The English word has become synonymous with anger and spite.

I made my Choice. I still Love my friends but I can also decide not to continue the friendship in an active way. Like they can decide to do so. Sometimes a friendship needs a period of time in which you don’t see each other, to renew it after a certain time. After that it can be better than ever or it can be done. Time will tell.
How about you?

To Compete is to Win, to Lose is to Fail………..???

When you Win you’re considered to be a Hero, when you lose you’re considered a Loser.

This thought crossed my mind as I was taking a break after writing some emails. What defines a Winner and what defines a Loser?

I personally believe a Winner and a Loser have much in common, they both get Insights from the circumstances they are in. A Winner may learn about what is really important, a so called “Loser” can win Insights too. I do not believe in Right or Wrong, I do not believe in Winning or Losing either. I do believe we create our circumstances in order to get the Insights we long for. Problems are never there to bother you they are our disguised Helpers who can teach us so we are able to get the tools we have asked for. I also believe we will meet the “right” persons at the “right” Time on our path of Life. Everything leads to what we can recognize as our path of Life and the sideways we take will just put us back on that highway of our chosen Destiny again. Not every person will be aware of this process but they all can feel the deep Happiness when they are on that road (again). We are All Connected. There are a lot of Light Workers here. And we can all join hands to Help.

As I look around me I see many little children being busy with football, karate, music, baseball, dancing, singing, taking courses to educate them more, etc. etc. Which is all Great when they WANT to do this themselves. Unfortunately I also have seen many children in my office (being a psychological Therapist) who suffered because of the need to do so much just because their environment demanded this. I absolutely Love it when I see kids having FUN playing football, playing music, dancing etc. But personally I find it remarkable to see how parents force their children to Win and not allowe them to Lose because this means they fail…???

What strikes me in it as well is the competition. Parents teach their children to enjoy sports while at the same time they teach them to beat The Others like it’s life depending. Parents pretty often project their own missed chances on their children, meaning their kids need to achieve what they lacked or failed in. Children who cry because they were not able to win and get yelled at after the game by parents, coaches or friends does build up their developing Self esteem. Children who need to practice over and over again in order to be a star on the field of Life get easily frustrated and buy the Beliefs of their parents, coaches and friends they totally suck when they do not win. So apparently losing stands for failing.
It’s all about Winning…..But what do kids win with this?

We all seem to “need” confirmation on good behavior. Normal to many people and to a certain point I can go with that as well. It’s nice when people you feel related to appreciate something you do. It’s great when they feel the want to tell you. But it is not something you really NEED in order to feel good about your Self. I believe Communication about Winning and Losing can mean a lot. I believe it’s a Chance to talk about this with our children. To let them be aware about their Self and how beautiful they are. To confirm them. To talk about their issues without a judgmental attitude. I believe in being honest and feeling Safe with each other so children can talk about Everything with their parents. Each child has it’s own Talent. By seeing the child the way he or she is, we can Give them Awareness of what is really important. To let them be who they really are. Never judge. Always try to keep an open communication going between you and your children. A Safe place. No judgments. This doesn’t mean you will agree all the time. It does mean you are open to see the true Soul your child is. To guide the child to become an adult who has an open eye to him/ her Self and knows who he/ she is. Awareness. Teaching them about Ego and Character. Teaching them about the “what you Create is what you Attract” truth. Tell them about The Universe; The Light. Explain them Spirituality is not a floating Mystery but a real Thing. To be acceptive, passionated ( I know I spell this “wrong” but it has so much more Empowerment in it this way) and Living with the want to Help and recognize their path of Life here.  In this world we live in, it seems to be the outside overrules the Inside. Still there is an upcoming Change I can see very clearly. And not just me, but a lot of other people do too…
I believe 2013 will be the start of a Change in this all. More Transformation, more Awareness, more Awakening, more Loving thoughts and Beliefs and more Sharing. More Compassion. You can already see the Change. In books, on television, in films, in the way we Live.

More HSP are born. HSP stands for Highly Sensitive Person. Soul Connected Loving people who know they are here with a reason. Who feel the want to Help. Who will build Together on a World Peace and believe me, that IS possible.

On Face book I saw www.dignityentertainment.com
I want to put in here their link and their vision on Face book:

Our purpose is to make films that inspire positive social change around the world. www.dignityentertainment.com

Description

Our passion is people! Dignity Entertainment was created to produce films and entertainment that inspire positive social change. We believe all of us have great potential and deserve a chance to realize it irrespective of color, creed or roots. We will tell impressive universal stories to ignite courage in people to fulfill their potential…that is the real power of film.
But why stop at making films that remind us what a big opportunity life is. Our aim is to make everything we do count towards a better society. This means being an active member of the community and working with like-minded organizations because together we are stronger.
We invite our supporters to play a part in the making of our films from script to screen through activities online and on the ground. Nothing is more effective in turning strangers into friends than working together. If you would like to take part in making films that inspire people to be better and do better…then join us on here on Face book

SO! When you feel Inspired by this please Join! And let’s start to make our World an even better one! Together!

Conditioned Love is no Run-a-way…..is it?

About a year ago I watched a small video about a huge elephant who did not run away though he was not chained to a tree like he used to be. I saw him move several stems of trees that were chopped in the jungle and apparently he worked there all day. The elephant enjoyed the personal guidance of Mister Juul who seemed to be his best friend. Juul himself never had any friends so he and the Elephant felt very close Together. The elephant did not have a name different than Elephant. Or Elphy like Juul every now and then caledl him in a Loving way. When the interviewer asked why this elephant stood there as if he was chained the camera registered a remarkable outcome. Juul started to tell the story while the elephant worked on the stems.

This elephant had been chained for several years since he was very young. One day  the chain broke. The elephant however did not run away. He just ignored it and stood there in exactly the same way he had been standing there for the past years. In his mind it made no difference if he literally was chained or not. He FELT chained. He got indoctrinated. The interviewer asked more while Elephant just worked on the stems of the trees in front of him.
Elephant was chained for years and years since he was very young. At the end of each day Juul used to take the loose chain from her paw in his hand and click his tongue so Elephant would bend down on her knees and Juul could be lifted up on her trunk and Elephant could put him on his neck and shoulders, Juul’s legs right behind her flapping ears. Each day Juul held the chain in his hand and walked Elephant home directing her where to go. Just like today. Elephant knew this road inside out.
“Good job Elphy!” Juul rewarded her with a sweet tone in his voice and Elphy’s ears immediately started to flap. Juul held the chain in his hand behind her ears. The camera followed the journey home which took about half an hour. Juul and his family lived in a very small village where about 90 people lived. They all seemed to believe this was a normal ritual, Juul sitting on this huge elephant, to ‘park’ her next to their hut. The family was already waiting for her with big water cans and threw it all over her. Elphy threw her head into her neck and gave an enormous trumpeting that almost blew the camera away. Juul’s family was feeding him with all kind of leaves, vegetables, fruits and more water to let him drink. It was pretty obvious Elephant felt Loved and Comfortable. Despite the fact Elephant worked for Juul, he respected him too and these two, the little India man and his Elephant were a team.
Friends even for Elephant did protect Juul once as a bear attempted to attack him and his family. Elephant had become family. This elephant could easily kill Juul and his family, he could decide not to work, because each animal has it’s own willpower. But Elephant BELIEVED he was chained. So he stayed. It was his Belief.

Beliefs and the way we Like or Dislike. Use them or Let Go. Beliefs that are bought, taken into our system by our acceptance. Just as Elephant did.

It reminds me in a way of the 63 year “old” woman I saw years ago in my office. She was shy, did not or hardly ever make any eye contact and spoke so softly that it was hard to hear what she was saying.
She told me about her abusive father and her ditto older brother. Both were extremely dominant. She was abused by both her father and her brother from the age of 5 till she was 23. Her father died and the brother got married and moved away, she and her other two brothers were left alone in the house of their parents. No one knew about what happened between but her and her father and older brother. She kept it as a secret for many many years. Her father told her not to look in his eyes when he abused her, her brother said she had to whisper or shut up. Now both the father and the brother were gone, the woman still could not have any eye contact and did not speak out loud. She still felt ‘chained’…..This might look weird but these examples are not the only ones. When a person is not aware of the fact he or she has a VOICE in this and can DECIDE this stops right here and now, they will feel chained lifelong…

Another example is about the man who was raised by his dominant mother, his dad died when he was only 2 years. His mother told him it was his fault her husband died for his father got into an accident as he was coming from work and decided to pick up his son at grandma’s place. He never arrived. The mother hated her son for taking away the only person she really loved.
Apart from this huge burden the mother parked on his shoulders by blaming him for his father’s death, she also blamed him for not being as perfect as his father. The young man started to suffer from an immense lack of self esteem. Even after his mother died he kept looking at himself in the way his mother always did. He was not good enough. He should have died and his father should have lived. He took the life of his father and he blamed himself for the death of mother as well for when she would not have been so deeply sad being a widow, she still would have lived. This is an indoctrinated process. A dog learns a trick  by ringing a bell and even when you remove the bell which originally is the Stimulus, he will still do his trick. It has become part of it’s system.

We all have these indoctrinations, some of them we notice, others we are not aware of. However, we may know people who do notice it. When this is the case decide what you want with that. You could decide to look at your Self in a different way and do some Inner research on that. Or you can decide to ignore it and let it pass. For you feel satisfied the way you are. Or you are afraid to look at the Inside You. Or and this is the most Interesting number 3: You might even tell people: Listen you just Accept me for this is the way I am and that will never change…But what if you WOULD DARE to take a real good look at your Self and dis-cover the Belief structures you have always had do not lead to the real YOU? Can you give your Self another Chance to see what is your REAL BELIEF? Or do you sit still and live the same Life without any Change? As long as you feel 100% Comfortable with it, it’s great!

Do YOU have hidden indoctrinations? Do you like them once you become aware of them?
Do you ignore them?
Do you accept this is the way you believe you are….?
Or will you decide to Change it once you become Aware of it? When you realize you DO have hidden indoctrinations that you become aware of, will you decide to change them so you can become the real Inner YOU?

Or do you want to leave it and accept this is the you that you know best. Last question here:

Why would you leave it and accept it, is this out of Fear or because you feel really at ease with it the way it is?
I have had my share of Indoctrinations and I have looked at them all for as far as I can. And you know what? I like myself a LOT better since I threw away a bunch of them. I even feel Freed in a way, yes , most I definitely do.

Nowadays I can say Yes! I feel GREAT being ME, the REAL ME…. How about you?

The Law of Obedience as an Attraction….

Every person knows it and every person will recognize it: Obedience…

We are raised by the Belief to obey our parents,  at school we were taught obedience is a lesson of Life. Children are supposed to be obedient to be good.  I agree to a certain degree with this. Children can be taught, that’s a Loving and Wise thing to do. It is about the Way we teach our children for they are the adults of tomorrow. So teaching is fine, Obedience can be fine too.But what when these children reach the age in which they become more aware of their own vision on life? Is it accepted when they do? Or do we ‘better’ them by correcting our children in a very strict way? Thinking back of this I remember a father who yelled at his son and demanded immediate Obedience from him. But his son was already an adult and only stared at his father, stood up and walked out on him. The father got totally insane for he felt his control he always had or believed he had was taken away from him. The son refused to talk with his father for weeks and only after the son decided to talk, the father saw him again. The son explained to his father he did want to communicate but he refused to be told to be obedient for he had his own opinion and asked his father to Respect that. Only after the father understood you can’t demand Respect they were able to Communicate with each other.

In their puberty children will detach themselves more and more, it’s is a natural process of Life meaning the child is growing up and wants to make it’s own decisions. We are the Guiders not the ‘Demanders’ as a parent. Many of us still carry the criticism of our father or mother with us. Still hear their voices when we do things. Decide things. And silently we can even long for the confirmation we make our decisions in a right way….The Law of Obedience in this can be deeply printed in our system without being fully aware of it.

I remember when I was a child my father did not accept my behavior. He talked and I had to listen. But though I did listen, I also wanted to share my opinion with him. He did not allow that. So I had to swallow in all of my arguments and when I tried to pass that line, he would correct me immediately. Later when I grew up we had discussions and even issues with the Law of Obedience. He could raise his voice and I felt indoctrinated and intimidated by that as a child. This resulted in my attitude of immediate Obedience when a partner yelled at me. I shut down, acted from the indoctrinated Child in me and did not give any response, since I was taught by my father only then I was a good girl. It had become a mechanism I was not fully aware of. Though my father and I grew into a more mature way of talking when I was an adult, the mechanism to obey was still there. I was taught to show Respect by Listening. The way my father thought was best for me was to overrule me. Like partners overruled me later on in my Life. It took me years before I was able to let Go of this attitude. Nowadays I feel free to speak out when I feel like wanting to speak out. No Fear. No more. I am my own ‘good’ girl so I don’t need the Confirmation by The Others anymore. I feel Strong and Balanced, but above that all I feel my Self…

Do you have behaviors that are conditioned? Are you aware of situations in which you behave differently than you actually want? Is it because you were taught to behave in a certain way, was it demanded by your parents or environment? Do you have issues with people who are dominant or overruling? These are questions that interest me. Because even when we believe we are entirely our own Self, we can react in a way that is not ours at all. For example when you take a candy or a cookie, do you apologize for doing that? Or when you ask something for your Self do you make an excuse to ‘make’ the other person fulfill your want? Do you say:” I’m sorry to ask but would you please be so kind to get this for me when it’s not too much trouble for you?” We might consider this to be polite but in fact we give our Self away and let The Other person get the ruling part. Why? Because this was taught? So? Do you have a mind of your own and do you want to feel Good about your Self? Then just ask for what you want in a friendly equal way.

I started to dis-cover the things that got me. It was the yelling, the raising of a voice to overrule me, to shut me down, to intimidate me. After I understood this I was able to change the way I responded to that.

What in your Life is intimidating you? What in your Life is ‘making’ you feel something that is not really yours?

Life is a learning process we all go through in our own way with our own Beliefs, for as far as we realize these Beliefs are truly ours or not. I experienced that a lot of my so called ‘own’ Beliefs were actually Owned by The Others like my parents, grandmother, friends, teachers. So with every Belief I asked myself these same questions:

Do I really FEEL this is true for me and do I want to keep this Belief or do I decide to Let it Go?

My wish for the New Year is to ask your Self theses question in order to get the Life you Really Want and is yours to be. We only ‘have to’ reach for it.

Happy New Fear!

Most of us will start the New year with all Good Intentions… Quit smoking, getting another job, making up with the long lost friend, go to the Gym to do those work outs, eat less etc. everything intended to create a Happy New Year!

The Good thing about Good Intentions is that they are well meant…for that moment. Still Good Intentions can have relatives like Aunt Disappointment and Cousin Failure. Not to speak of Uncle You are all Weakness or Niece I Told you so! They all were raised by the ‘God’ father of all called: Fear…..So when we feel the want to wish each other a very Happy New Year, we could also see this as an open invitation to think about all the Fear we hold without even realizing we do.

Fear is the worst enemy we say, but is that really the case here? Without Sun there would be no Shadow isn’t it? When we would never experience Fear we also would not try our very best to defeat it….would we?
In fact Fear has another relative, actually it could be it’s partner, any idea what this could be? How about Denial? It’s way more easy to just deny you are feeling Fear and trade it for two other family members like Arrogance and/or Aggression….Hanging out with one of these family members can distract you and even give you the idea you are doing great. Sure, deep down you will know it, but who cares once you start to deny that little voice, it’s an easy road to walk. The only thing is that this chosen road will not bring you where you really want to be. In the End you will feel Alone, not really appreciated and feel the want to be honest to your Self. That is I can only hope this will be the case. That you will start to ask your self questions like: How can I feel Unhappy when I HAVE Everything…How  come I do not feel satisfied? THAT my friend, is the best that could ever happen to you. It means you start to hear your Inner Voice again.

Whenever you want to be and Feel Loved, it is important to know who you really are and what you really want.Of course it’s possible you want to have an easy Life with luxury and everything to prove you made it. Great! When that is your true want it’s Mission accomplished. But when you want to give Life YOUR Life a meaning which is deeper than that, just dig in here.

Is where you are now also where you WANT to be? When it is, Congrats to you! When it is not, what could you possibly do to Change it into what you really want?
The fun of it is, we almost always SIT on our solutions but we can’t seem to dis- cover them. We are looking for our Happiness outside of our Selves. We make our Self dependent from what The Others might Give us. We experience Problems as obstacles that stand in our way.

But in fact these ‘Problems’ are placed there so we can start to hear our Inner Voice. Not an easy thing when you are not a Believer there is more than what you can see with your own eyes. Still, when you try not to come up with self chosen solutions, you might hear your Given Insights more and more. Just be Aware of it and start to Listen. It will bring more’ family members’ to you. More Positive relatives. Once we start to choose our real Family like Trust and Self Esteem, Honesty and Willpower, we can achieve Everything we so deeply longed for.

Like a friend I know who believes she will only be able to find herself the Real One out of town, creates a vicious circle. Once she would start to CREATE the Belief her Mister Right WILL come along she will open up the Attraction from within and the Universe will respond to that immediately. Out of the Blue.
But when you start to believe there is no one out there and you need to move to another town or country to find him that is what you create as well. How about creating the reality HE is already THERE…?You just did not MEET yet.
HE can visit or just drop by. He can meet you without any intentions but to get a hotel room and walk into a store where you guys start to chat…or HE can just have his car break down while you just come out of Wall mart and offer him a ride to his house…
HE will literally BUMP into you as you are already late for work and want to get some fruits for breakfast …
EVERYTHING is possible once you start to CREATE different Beliefs.
The Universe Connects wandering Souls who are on the same Level in their Search. These Souls  WILL Meet at the Right time and Place. The only thing you need in this is hidden deep inside of your Self. It is the place where we do not look anymore for it has not brought us what we were looking for yet. So we get frustrated and invite a family member called our Aunt Disappointment for we feel really Connected with her during our Search. The key to this all however is simply but effective:

Just NEVER GIVE UP……!

My Good Intention for the New Year is not to feed Fear. To stay even more in the Now than I already do. I want to choose my own relatives to accompany me. How about you?

The way we look creates the way we live our Life……

In a Love relationship people pretend to really know each other well. So well, they start to assume what the partner thinks or will do. Sometimes they are right but is it a good idea to assume? In America we say:’Don’t ASSUME because you make an “ASS” out of “U” and “ME”…..

Sure, you know him or her in a way no one else does. And of course you have experienced him or her in many situations, but do you really know what he or she thinks or will do? People are in their own process and change all the time. Small changes can lead to bigger ones. I will give you an example.

A man is married to his wife for over 26 years. They understand each other and they truly Love each other. The woman is always open and honest, talks about everything. The man is not much of a talker at all. He pretends to listen to his wife but since she talks a lot she assumes he is a very good Listener while he is thinking about other stuff while she is talking. Every now and then he says: aha or yes, or no or ah or really? She believes he is the best husband in the world for he always listens. She assumes he knows about her inn’s and out’s. One day she is reminding him of this important meeting she needs to attend. He wishes her good luck and grabs the newspaper again. She stares at him and asks why he is still sitting there. He looks up in an astonished way and asks what she means. The woman yells he agreed to come with her and looks at him with a not-believing-what-he-does expression on her face. He coughs, mumbles something and hides behind the newspaper again. The woman starts to explode. ‘Why do you do this to me? Can’t you see how important this is to me? It’s about me here you know? How can you be so rude? You make me feel angry, is that what you want for me?’ The man lowers his newspaper and looks at her. He puts the newspaper aside and stares at her. The woman repeats asking if he knows he is ruining her career by his attitude. And demands to know what ‘s wrong…The man’s facial expression now changes.

‘You, my love, you is what’s wrong. First of all it’s Always about you.

Secondly I am no God so I don’t hold the power nor the ability to ruin your career or make you feel anything. And the last thing I want to tell you is that I do not hear all you say simply because you talk so much that’s very hard to define what’s important or not since everything is important to you. So when you ask me to come with you now and you really Ask me, I will consider going with you when that really means much to you. But when it is just because you want to look distinguished and “normal” for having a partner instead of feeling the want to have YOUR partner there with you, I will refuse it.’
The woman opens her mouth to say something and then shuts it immediately. She does not know what to say for her husband told her things she had no idea of. She Assumed she knew what he was thinking. He let her. To a certain degree.

What does this example tell us?

How does this work in your personal life? Do you always believe you know what your partner thinks or believes? Do you open up and talk about that? Or do you choose to believe you know?

Personally I believe in being open meaning I ask questions and I feel interested in the thoughts and the process my partner is in.
When I feel a distance for whatever reason I ask myself and my partner why I feel this. We talk about that. And we ask open questions like:

What is it that you feel?

Can you describe it to me?

Why do you believe you feel this?

What does this tell you? Etc.

No matter how well you believe you know your partner, friend or family, be open to ask questions all the time. Never assume you know. Because it could very well be you do not know it at all. Or you only know it half. When partners want to keep growing Together it is very important to Communicate….really Communicate. Be in a Loving place while talking. Listen. Do not prepare you answer while you pretend to listen but take time to Listen well and then come up with an answer.

Feel Safe. For when you are in a real Good Love relationship you can do that without any Fear. And when you do feel Fear, talk about that. For you have a good chance your partner does the same thing you did. To keep the Connection open, it’s all about Loving Communication.

‘Do you want a real good Love Relationship?’……..

To assume is to expect. To expect is to glance into the future with hope. Writing your own scenario in that future. Projecting your wants upon the person who “needs” to make it come true. To be disappointed when the future has become the Now…you might discover the scenario is written by the other person himself/herself. And most probably Judge him, her or yourself….Still with me?

Assuming means you are thinking for The Others. I have seen many people, mostly women, in my office in Holland. They all had the same in common:

They Assumed

They Expected

They felt Disappointed

They Judged…

In this time of Christmas I hear people talk about the real Truth within. About values like being Kind, Loving, Sharing, Giving, all ingredients that can lead to a non judgmental behavior. And therefor Peace. Christmas so I hear people say in movies and read in books, papers etc. is the MOST IMPORTANT time of the year. Why? Because we hear about the birth of Christ who was all that. A person like you and I. And yet so totally different. More Wise. More Tolerant. More Giving. More Sharing. More Loving. More Respecting. More Accepting.
More Present in the Now. More Patient. More of all and more…

When we all seem to know our Inner Truth this well, why do we argue so much just to feel Right?

Why is it so important to win the discussion?

Why is it so important we get to say what we want instead of really Listening to what our partner has to say?

Why is there so much to feel bothered or irritated about?

Why is there such a lack of Tolerance?

Why do people want to feel like they own the Truth? Do they look at their REAL Inner Truth?

Why is there so much Jealousy?

Why is there so much Anger?

Why do we Assume before talking?

Why do we Expect without asking for what we want?

Why do we feel disappointed?

Why do we Judge?

I believe we all do that out of Fear. Fear to NOT get what we want. Fear to Communicate. Fear to really open up. Fear to BE Judged. Fear to be Rejected….

Most of the people I have seen in my office were women, still there were guys as well. Ashamed to be there for I could possibly think they were weak for coming to the practice. As soon as they understood I was in a Loving place which also meant they felt I was not judging them but listening, they immediately opened up. Shared. Cried. Showed their Real Self. Without Fear.

This means that when we are in a Love relationship we can trade Fear for Trust, and Trust is only possible when we feel Safe.

Just ask your self the question if you feel Safe enough to open up. When so Great! When not so also Great! This means you are able to give a boost to your Love relationship! Since YOU and ONLY YOU are the director of your own Life you are able to use the tools to MAKE this work!

How? By looking back at the A.E.D.J….Assume / Expect/ Disappoint/ Judge….

How does YOUR process work in this? What can you Change? Look at the Key in this for YOU…

By NOT Assuming you can create a moment to really Talk, Communicate. Honest. No hidden signals.
By NOT Expecting you also will not write the scenario for your partner.
By not writing his/ her scenario (they can and will do this on their own) you will create an open field in which the partner can respond in his/ her own words. Therefor there will no Disappointment.
By no Disappointment there also will be no Judgment.
To be able to do all this you might say: When I want to do this all I “need” to feel SAFE…How do I do that?

Super! Than FIRST talk about that. This is YOUR FIRST WANT. Tell your partner you want to Communicate in an open non judgmental way without expectations from both sides. No attacks. Just Loving Talking and Loving listening. So you BOTH can feel Safe without any interruption.
NEGOTIATE about your Wants. Meet each other in these wants without judgments. No expectations. No scenario’s already written.

When you would tell me this is not possible for you always carry expectations I would like to comment on that immediately. Expectations are nothing more or less than a certain need/want to control. You want your things in your way. You designed a future picture of how your life will be, of how you imagine it will be. And your partner is part of that to make that design come true. But Life is not about Expectations. Life is about being OPEN to Life and to Love it to the fullest.
Life is being in the NOW…The Now does not contain any expectations, it just IS.

Expectations are different from Wants. You can always feel and carry your Wants inside of your Soul. Wants are there to be heard, felt, dealt with. The key is to be in a Loving place when you feel your want is to Share your thoughts and wants with your partner. To be in a non judgmental place. To Listen. To Think. To Answer from that place.

A World Peace seems so far away, still it is so Simple….